The Artist in the Ambulance
by creampuffsteph
Summary: While trying to run from his future, Edward gets into a car accident. Bandaged head to toe, his disdain for hospital staff extends even to the woman who saved his life. Without the aid of his good looks, does he stand a chance? AH/EPOV
1. Prologue: The Artist in the Ambulance

**disclaimer: not SM, just like to use the characters**

**a/n: sooooooo i was going to not post this on ff til i finished PT. however, i am getting grief from some of my bitches to hurry and post it here. posting will go slowly til i finish PT tho so please...remember that.  
this is an all epov story, my own personal dr. mcdouchey. i heart him. obv this was "inspired" by Thrice's "The Artist in the Ambulance." lyrics are posted at the beginning of the prologue. and i promise that will be the only time i do that.  
each chapter will be the title of a song (tho not necessarily related) and i'll include my own personal TAITA playlist for some of you to enjoy...maybe. **

**songs for the chapter:**

**"The Artist in the Ambulance" by Thrice  
"Piece by Piece" by Osker  
"Contention" by Osker**

_Late night, brakes lock, hear the tires squeal  
__Red light, can't stop so I spin the wheel  
__My world goes black before I feel an angel lift me up  
__And I open bloodshot eyes into fluorescent white  
__They flip the siren, hit the lights, close the doors and I am gone  
__As I lay here owing my life to a stranger and I realize that  
__Empty words are not enough  
__I'm left here with the question of just  
__What have I to show except the promises I never kept?  
__I lie here shaking on this bed, under the weight of my regrets  
__I hope that I will never let you down  
__I know that this can be more than just flashing lights and sound  
__Look around and you'll see that at times it feels like no one really cares  
__It gets me down but I'm still gonna try to do what's right, I know that there's  
__A difference between sleight of hand and giving everything you have  
__There's a line drawn in the sand, I'm working up the will to cross it  
__I hope that I will never let you down  
__I know that this can be more than just flashing lights and sound  
__Rhetoric can't raise the dead  
__I'm sick of always talking when there's no change  
__Rhetoric can't raise the dead  
__I'm sick of empty words, let's lead and not follow  
__Late night, brakes lock, hear the tires squeal  
__Red light, can't stop so I spin the wheel  
__My world goes black before I feel an angel steal me from the  
__Greedy jaws of death and chance, and pull me in with steady hands  
__Giving me a second chance, the artist in the ambulance  
__I hope that I will never let you down  
__I know that this can be more than just flashing lights and sound  
__Can we pick you off the ground, more than flashing lights and sound_

--

I had to fucking get out of there. I was practically suffocating under the weight of my parents' damn expectations. I could still hear Carlisle's voice ringing in my head.

"_Edward, when are you ever going to grow up and accept responsibility? You know that they need you to step up and take over the department. Why do you insist on shying away from your potential?"_

He didn't understand me. He never did and never would. I wasn't ready to give up all my fun in order to sit in a fucking office, bored shitless day in and day out. It wasn't my idea of a good time. Nor was the pressure of living up to my "potential" as my father put it. More like live up to his name. Everyone in the area recognized the name Cullen. If I failed? The shame would be un-fucking-bearable.

So that's why I was pushing 90 mph on a too small road that was too wet for the speed.

In front of me was a red light. I knew it was about to change green because the little blinking man changed to a red hand.

_Hurry up._

I briefly toyed with the idea of just blowing through the damn thing, knowing it would probably go green as I was half way through the intersection. But I also knew this light had one of those fucking annoying cameras installed to catch anyone running the red. It wouldn't do well for me to get a ticked now, especially when I wouldn't even deserve it.

_Damn you light. I wasn't planning on touching the brake until I got the hell outta here._

I stomped on the brakes, trying to at least slow down as I screeched towards that invisible point of no return.

As if I needed one more thing to go wrong tonight, the brakes locked up under my foot.

_Shit._

I pumped the pedal quickly, pleading with my tires to find grip with the slick pavement. Didn't I just get my brakes checked?

I had in fact gone in last week to some generic mechanic. He was obviously no Emmett. But then again, who was? I had never had a problem before, even with my dangerous high speeds and wet roads.

I felt a lot calmer when, as I swept past the cross walk, the light changed to green.

_Hallelujah. _

Something was going my way at least.

_Wrong._

My relief turned to bone chilling fear when I saw a pair of headlights coming at me from the side. I caught a glimpse of some kid through the windshield before I felt his front catch my back end. The resulting collision sent me spinning madly.

In my haste to leave my parents' house, I hadn't bothered to buckle my seat belt. I panicked. Somewhere deep in my subconscious, my brain was screaming at me to try and correct the damn car, to grab the steering wheel and attempt to regain control.

Instead, like the dumb shit I am, I uselessly fumbled with the seat belt to click it in place.

_Fucking dumb shit._

I looked up in time to see a light pole hurtling towards me. Because I was still occupied with that damn belt, I didn't even have a chance to raise my hands to defend myself from the oncoming collision.

My car stopped too suddenly, my body being thrown forward from the inertia. I slammed back in the seat, my breath leaving me in a whoosh. And somehow, way back in my mind, I processed the fact that I was slipping into unconsciousness.

--

"Oh my god, are you ok?

I tried to open my eyes to see who was calling out to me. The voice was distant and hard to distinguish. It was no use.

--

"Please, sir…if you can hear me, blink or something, so I know."

My ears picked up on the voice more clearly now. Even through the pain it sounded…heavenly. So, what, it was an angel? Oh shit, she was coming to take me to the pearly gates! I was fucking dying!

"Please…please…please…"

I'm the one dying and _she's _upset? Hm, maybe she was pleading my case to St. Peter. I wouldn't doubt that my past would keep me out of heaven.

I needed to try and communicate with my winged messenger.

"Dead?" it's all I could force out. I was afraid it was too quiet, that she wouldn't hear me.

"No, not dead, not if I can help it."

Why would my angel try and keep me on earth? Wasn't it her mission to deliver me to my judgment.

I managed to open an eye. I took in the angel's face, hovering above me. It radiated beauty and her large innocent eyes were brimming with unshed tears. I saw one lone tear escape and I wanted so badly to reach up and brush it away.

_Angels shouldn't cry._

But my arm was too heavy. I just managed to lift my hand when she spoke.

"No, don't try to move. Be still. I'm here for you. I will not leave your side until help arrives. Just stay with me."

I let my eye close, her eyes still burning with intensity behind my lids. And then she spoke out again, more firmly this time.

"Just stay with me."

--

_What's going on?_

My eyes blinked open and caught a heavenly sight. Lights were dancing across the pure white skin of the angel beside me. her hair shimmered and flowed around her.

_Beautiful._

Then my ears were assaulted by noises blaring all around. My eyes moved away from the angel beside me and tried to take in my surroundings. I didn't recognize anything.

I began to panic, starting to choke on my own saliva.

_Oh shit, this is it. Stay away from the fucking light, Edward._

The face of my own personal guardian angel came into view.

"I told you I wouldn't leave you."

--

_I must be in limbo, neither here nor there, alive or dead.._

Everything was black. I tried to call out to the angel who was escorting me, but no noise escaped my lips. My throat felt sealed shut.

Ahead of me, I saw bright lights, as if through a tunnel. And then I heard the voices.

"What happened?"

"…accident…"

"He's…lucky…"

_Lucky? Did that voice just say I was fucking lucky? _

The voices were all jumbled. I couldn't make out what they were saying. Then the angel's voice broke through, cutting through the tangle of sounds around me.

"I'm sorry, I can't go in there with you. But I'll see you on the other side."

Sight and sound left me once more. The pain did too.

_I guess dying wasn't too bad…_

* * *

**so? whatcha think?**


	2. Bandages

**my name may be steph but it's "anie" not "enie"...ya know, the normal way.  
a/n: thanks for all the tatas...i mean taita lovin. and also a thanks...albeit grudgingly (lol) to mskathy who started a thread for this story over on twilighted. there's a link to it on my profile, along with the link to the PT thread in case you want to take a little gander over yonder. (wtf? idk it's late, don't ask)  
i couldn't resist getting this next chapter out bc well, it's already written down in my notebook of wonder, aka a blue composition notebook full of a story that resembles chicken scratch and doodles....notebook of wonder was kinda yelling at me to put this chapter up on gd ffnet since it's up on twilighted.  
****  
title comes from Hot, Hot, Heat's song "Bandages" (content completely irrelevant to the chapter....but title very much so)  
chapter songs:  
"The Truth Can Be a Brutal Business" by Halfway Home (E)  
"Motionless" by Osker (E)  
"Freakish" by Saves the Day (B)**

**now, please (srsly, PLEASE) enjoy some more mcdouchey ;)**

The first thing I heard when I came back to…consciousness?...was some damn annoying beeping.

My mind started to de-fuzz, as if waking up with one fucking major hangover; everything sounded strange and…slightly off. And when I tried to open my eyes, I felt a tug of pain shoot through my face.

_Ok…so _not_ opening my eyes then._

I felt fire shoot up my limbs and I would've screamed if I'd been able to talk. The pain was…well…it was hell. Oh shit, I was in hell! All the years spent boozing and cursing and fucking landed me in eternal damn-fucking-nation.

Just great. Fucking brilliant.

"Dad, is he ok?"

I heard my sister's voice close to me, then felt the warmth (almost cool to my burning skin) of her small hand on mine. I wanted to squeeze back but found it hard to move.

So aggravating.

But this meant I wasn't dead. I was alive!

_Maybe I should use this near death experience as an eye opener, change my sinful ways._

_First on the list: no more swearing._

"He will be…" I heard Carlisle use that tone of voice reserved for families with members in seriously bad states of health.

_Well fuck me, it is that bad then…_

Shit, I already slipped up on the whole no swearing thing. Though, did it count since I just thought it?

_Whatever, I'm a lost cause no matter what. It's not like redemption comes that easily anyway._

"What happened_**, **_Dad?"

I could hear it in her voice. Alice was crying. I kind of felt bad at that thought. She was probably the only one in my family who I even remotely got along with. She made sure to stay out of my shit as much as possible. So yeah, I didn't think she should be crying over me.

"He got in an accident when he left our place last week. It wasn't his fault. If the other driver hadn't tried to catch the yellow… and there's not much the police can do since the guy took off."

I stopped listening after the first sentence. Did I hear Carlisle correctly? A week? I've been here for a fucking week?

"Thank God he was found quickly. I can't imagine what would've happened otherwise."

"I know. Luckily, it was a member of the hospital staff who found him. She was able to keep him from going into shock while they waited for the ambulance to arrive."

"Who was it_**,**_ Dad?"

"…she's…town…nice…"

Well that didn't make any sense.

I knew Carlisle was talking but I could barely make out the words he was saying, leaving the story of my savior a mystery.

Must be the morphine drip kicking in.

--

I woke up, still in pain despite the drugs being pumped into my system.

"Fuck."

"Edward Cullen! You've been out for a week and the first thing out of your mouth is the word 'fuck'? How very verbose of you." Her cut-down was thick with relief.

"Shut it_**,**_ short stack." I tried to smile but my face felt too heavy.

"Oh Edward! Thank god you're ok! We've been worried sick!"

"Sorry_**,**_ Alice."

"Shhh…it's fine." She obviously missed the sarcasm in my voice. "It wasn't your fault. What's important is you're okay now."

"How bad?" I rasped out. Alice got that shifty eyed look, trying to find a diversion to a conversation that was clearly making her uncomfortable. "Alice. How. Bad?"

"Edward, I don't think it's really my place to…"

"Spare me."

She continued looking around the room for another minute, every so often coming back to look me in the eye. I wasn't backing down. I had to know. Finally_**,**_ she let out a deep sigh.

"Well, it's not pretty." Alice winced at me. "I mean, you sustained a lot of injuries from the accident: third degree burns, deep lacerations, broken bones…they had to put you in a medically_**-**_induced coma to give your body a chance to heal." She looked away quickly after she finished talking.

It sounded like something was missing, like she'd left out one crucial fact.

"Why do I feel like you're not telling me something?"

Alice's tiny hand went up to her face as if feeling something there. I mirrored her actions with difficulty and felt the texture of gauzy bandages completely covering my face.

"What the fuck?"

"Um…your face got pretty messed up…they had to do some reconstructive surgery…"

"Oh my god, my face!"

I know I sounded vain.

I was vain.

The face of Edward Cullen was my biggest asset.

"Calm down. They got the best in plastics to come over and work on you. He promised no scarring. And that you'd look exactly the same as before…once the swelling goes down anyway…"

"Oh no."

If I wasn't covered in bandages right now_**,**_ I'd bury my face in my hands. I knew I should feel embarrassed at my reaction, but I knew no shame.

I knew I was good looking and totally played it up. Over the years_**,**_ I had honed the artful skill of seduction. It didn't have to be sexual, just using my looks to get what I wanted. I paid attention growing up. The female population seemed to cream themselves over my smile, which was more cocky than genuine. And I'd lost count of how many women had gotten "lost" in my eyes. Throw in some "bronze sex" hair that was just really "auburn I don't give a fuck" hair and I was fucking golden.

What if I didn't look the same? Would I be as successful?

"Don't be such a drama queen, Edward." Alice rolled her eyes at me as the door opened and in walked Carlisle.

"It's good to see you awake, son."

Carlisle's smile was overly bright. I'd bet my left nut he was feeling guilty. Our last encounter before the accident was the fight. And because Carlisle was the good man that he is, he blamed himself.

Good.

Guilt suited him just fine.

"Carlisle." I didn't bother looking at him.

As far as I was concerned he _was _guilty. If he hadn't been all in my shit about taking over, I'd never have taken off like that.

"Edward, I don't really know what to say. I'm sorry."

"Dad, it's not your fault. Right_**, **_Edward?"

You could've heard a fucking pin drop.

"I'll…just leave you then. Let me know if you need anything_**.**_ I'll check on you later."

Carlisle turned and left. It made me angry as hell.

I was angry at him because he caused this.

And I was angry he didn't try harder to make it right.

"Real nice." I cringed under Alice's stare…the only person that could effectively do that to me. "See you later, brother." Her words were ice as she took off.

I just needed to be alone anyway. Couldn't they see how distressed I was? I didn't need people coming in and bothering me.

I closed my eyes, grateful for the solitude.

I must've drifted off to sleep because the next thing I knew, the sound of the door opening startled me awake.

The sight of legs clad in scrubs annoyed me.

The sound of the plastic wheels on the food cart being rolled in irked me.

And I knew if I had to hear some nasally voice, I'd probably scrounge for a scalpel to end the torment I was in right now.

I hated hospitals. Funny_**, **_since I worked in one…this one_**.**_

"Just keep your mouth shut please." I blurted out the words. Who cares if I sounded rude?

The sharp intake of breath alerted me to the nurse's recognition of my words. I didn't bother looking over. Why waste the effort? It hurt too fucking much to move.

"Just do whatever it is you have to do, quietly, and get out." My eyes stayed closed, too tired to open them, too lazy to give a fuck.

Small, warm hands went to my right arm, wrapping the bp cuff around my bicep. Whoever this nurse was, she was quick and efficient. I liked that. Get in, get out, get on with it.

I could hear her checking my IVs, replacing the bags of fluids. When that was done, a small nudge on my side alerted me that the food was next to me.

The food smelled…funky, like most hospital food does. But there was another smell that made my mouth water.

Strawberries.

I fucking _loved _strawberries.

_Since when do they serve fresh strawberries at this hospital?_

As I pondered in my head, I heard footsteps retreating from me, ending with the soft click of my door closing in place.

_Good, she's gone._

I opened my eyes and eagerly looked at the tray of food by my side. When I lifted the cover_**,**_ I felt disappointment leak in.

_No strawberries?_ _Why is life so disappointing?_

--

Being stuck in this bed was the most degrading thing ever. Who likes being an invalid? I know I didn't enjoy having a tube shoved in my tip so I could piss in a bag. And having someone have to wipe my ass for me?

God it was beyond embarrassing.

I was covered in so many bandages I looked like a fucking mummy. And I smelled like death warmed over. All of the constant dressing changing wasn't helping.

Luckily I didn't have very many visitors…besides family anyway.

Esme came every day, multiple times, to help clean and change me. It was a little bit easier having her do it since she was my mother. She used to wipe my ass all the time when I was in diapers. No big deal_**,**_ right?

Carlisle usually came at least once with Esme during the day. I'm sure the guilt drove him to put up with me_**,**_ especially since nothing else seemed to do the trick.

Alice came around when she could, dragging Jasper around like some leashed_**-**_up show dog. Her poor boyfriend was dressed up in threads I knew he'd never wear if Alice hadn't picked them out. I had seen him once or twice before Alice could sink her little claws into his wardrobe. Apparently Wrangler butts do _not _drive Alice nuts.

Emmett came by, too. As my mechanic…and brother…he had the pleasure of informing me about my beloved car. A 1970 Chevrolet Chevelle SS 454 LS6 convertible. My baby. She was damaged beyond repair. All the years of searching for parts and helping with the restoration…gone…flushed down the gutter along with the rain water. I wanted to weep like a fucking girl at the news.

Luckily Emmett's fiancée, Rosalie, never came by. I had a pretty good idea why not. That bitch couldn't get over shit.

All in all…I guess family wasn't so bad.

Wish I could say the same for this hospital staff. No matter how much I asked, demanded, or downright begged them to be quiet, those damn nurses would not shut up.

Except for one…the nurse who smelled of strawberries.

I had taken to feigning sleep whenever my door opened, just so those stupid sluts would hold their tongues. It was a habit I carried over with Nurse Shortcake, as I had taken to calling her. You know, like those fucking scratch-n-sniff dolls…Alice used to play with them all the time. So what if I liked the way they smelled? Like strawberries…strawberry shortcake…like Nurse Shortcake…

She smelled so delicious. But I didn't want to open my eyes and ruin the mental picture I had drawn based off her smell. I'm sure if I _did _open my eyes, she'd open her mouth…and ruin all the nice qualities I had imagined her to have.

I was closing in on the first conscious week of the many that I'd be stuck in this God forsaken hell hole. Nurse Big Mole just rounded out her shift. I felt a migraine coming on after her mindless drabble about her grandchildren.

Like I gave a fuck.

Just as I shut my eyes to will the pain away, Nurse Shortcake walked in. She was a breath of fresh air –literally. After having to breathe in the smell of cat litter and stale cigarettes, the strawberry scent was more than welcome.

I felt a little guilty for being such a prick to someone who could quite possibly surprise me and be a good person.

"I just thought I should thank you. You always keep your mouth shut like a good little nurse. It's nice not having to hear about pointless shit from people you don't care about, you know?"

I tried to smile –ouch- then opened my eyes to finally see what my favorite nurse looked like.

But all I saw was a trail of mahogany fluttering through the open door.

She left.

Huh.

_Did I say something wrong?_

--

"Is it really asking too much of you to _act _like a human being instead of the monster you've become?"

I was not opening my eyes for this. It was too fucking early in the day.

"I know you're awake Edward. Look at me damnit."

And I did. Because Carlisle didn't swear often. And even though he'd only said "damnit_**,**_" I knew he was livid.

_What's up his ass?_

"Why do you treat your nurses like garbage? Especially Bella_?"_

"Who the fuck is Bella?"

"You know how I feel about your swearing."

Oh…but _he's_ allowed to swear? Carlisle waited for me to amend my sentence. Fucking hypocrite.

"Fine. Who…is…Bella?"

All of this nonsense was getting to me. The aggravation building up inside of me was getting too intense. My thumb and forefinger flew to my nose, seconds away from pinching at the bridge there. But goddamnit I had to stop myself. I kept forgetting the raw skin under the bandages. That would only make things worse.

"Bella, Bella Swan?" He stopped as if the name should mean something to me.

It didn't.

Carlisle's expression grew exacerbated.

"The woman who saved your life! The woman who stayed all night at the hospital just to get reports on your progress. The woman who asked to be on your case so she could personally see to your recovery. The woman you insulted last night by saying she was a "good little nurse" for keeping her mouth shut!"

"Nurse Shortcake?"

The girl that smelled like strawberries and was decent enough to comply with my silence request was the girl who found me on the night of the accident? Why hadn't I tried seeing her before last night?

"_What_ did you just call her?"

_Oh shit…did I let that slip out? _

By this point, Carlisle was furious with me. I'm sure he did not appreciate the nickname I had assigned Bella. I chose to ignore him though.

My brain was too occupied with the name of my faceless Nurse Shortcake.

Bella

Bella Swan.

But she wasn't _exactly _faceless. I had brief flashes of big_**, **_doe-like brown eyes. Of mahogany hair sparkling from the ambulance lights. She was my angel from that night.

I had literally thought she was an angel.

And that glimpse of her face had visited me quite a few times in my dreams.

Mostly they centered around the eyes_**:**_ big and caring and filled with tears at the sight of my wreckage.

I had been pretty dickish to her throughout the week…avoiding as much contact as was humanly possible…she probably ran out because of me.

Christ, had I made her cry?

"So you see now." It wasn't a question. Carlisle could read the look in my eyes. They always gave away too much, which is why I tended _not_ to ever look him straight on.

He knew that I did feel like a monster right now.

"Erm…is she ok?"

"The real question is what will you do now that you know?"

--

I was on edge for the rest of the day, waiting until 6 pm when I knew her shift started. The TV was on, but only for background noise. I wasn't watching it. I was watching the clock.

5:45.

Wasn't it 5:45 twenty goddamn minutes ago? Is it possible for time to go backwards? Because it sure as hell felt like it now.

An eternity passed by in the next fifteen minutes.

I wanted to apologize.

I didn't know how to apologize.

I was never good at it. What do I say to her? I was still mummified, so I couldn't use the face to soften her up. So really, what could I do?

_Damnit. I knew I wasn't being overdramatic at the news about my face._

The door finally opened and I saw a foot clad in orange crocs.

For some reason I didn't imagine Bella as one to wear crocs. I don't know why since I really didn't know her.

"Bella?"

"Oh no, sorry honey, my name's Gloria." A fifty-something woman walked in.

I _knew _Bella would never wear those lurid things.

"Where's Bella?"

I didn't care if I was rude to Gloria. I only cared if I was to Bella Shortcake. She's the only one here that deserved better.

"Um…something…came up and she needed to change shifts today."

Gloria wasn't looking me in the eye.

That bitch was _lying _to me.

"Is Elizabeth here?"

"Sure..."

"Get her for me." I spat the words out at her.

Elizabeth was one of the only members of the nursing staff I could stand. I actually _liked _her. As the charge nurse, I had grown pretty damn close to her. She had become a sort of surrogate mother to me during my interning here. And for whatever reason, my charm didn't affect her. Elizabeth could take all the shit I dished out and hand it right back to me.

So of course I liked her. I straight up admired the woman.

"What do you want_**,**_ Cullen Jr.?"

I hated when she called me that, which is why she did it.

"Where's Bella Swan?"

"You got a problem with Gloria?"

"Yes." I could see Gloria hovering behind Elizabeth, eyes all doleful and shit. "Er..." I didn't want to hurt her feelings too. Karma would probably come back and bite me in the ass. "No. It's just I want Bella."

"Sorry Stud, but you won't be seeing her anytime soon."

"Why?"

"She asked to be removed from your case. Stevens was more than willing to grant her request. What the hell did you do to her? I've never seen her cry like that before."

Fuck.

Thoughts confirmed. I had made her cry.

Looks like karma had already caught up with me.

* * *

**reviews are strawberry shortcake ppl!**

* * *


	3. Guilty Conscience

**disclaimer: it's stephANIE not stephENIE. don't own anything twilight, tho i love making edward dr. mcdouchey and bella nurse shortcake.**

**a/n: i had promised myself i wouldnt' post this til i got the nxt chapter of PT out...but i couldn't stay away i guess. here it is. thanks for the love. sorry if i havent' responded to many reviews...i swear i am trying to keep up and let you all know how much i appreciate the kind words. let me publicly thank you since i am failing to do so one on one. also, major gracias to my nameless bitch of a gay bf who looked this over. you know who you are *wink wink***

**Title comes from Eminem's "Guilty Conscience" and def has nothing to do with the actual content of the chapter  
Songs for the chapter:  
"Take Lots With Alcohol" Alkaline Trio (E)  
"Paranoia Pays Off" Before Braille (B)  
"Shu Shubat" The Anniversary (E)**

"What's going on Edward?"

I had called Carlisle the moment Gloria and Elizabeth had left my room. I needed him here _now_. Only Carlisle could make Bella Shortcake come back. He was almost as good as I was at getting what he wanted, and since he hadn't been the one to make those brown eyes cry, he'd be even better at it. Not only could he talk to Bella, but Carlisle still held a lot of clout at the hospital. Even after stepping down, he had Steven's nose up his ass. So if his charm failed on Bella, all Carlisle had to do was bend over so Stevens could kiss it and agree to any requests made.

"Dad, I need your help."

"Dad?" His eyes narrowed at the sound of the title I had stopped using once my balls dropped. "What do you want?" OK…so he knew I was trying to butter him up.

"I need to see Bella."

"Edward, I don't think that's a good idea. You really…"

"I know, I messed up." I decided not to swear since Carlisle clearly despised it so much.

"No. You _fucked_ up."

Damn. I don't think I had _ever _heard Carlisle drop the big F bomb before. I didn't realize how angry the man was.

"Yeah I did. Which is why I want to see her again, to apologize. Maybe she can forgive me and get back on my case. She's quite competent."

Which was true. Bella always got the job done quickly and obviously she listened to her patients' wishes, since she had granted my request for silence.

"Are you sure that's the reason you want her back?"

I was thrown off by his question.

"Why else would I want her back?"

"So it's not just because she's another pretty face?"

_She's a pretty face? Interesting…_

I knew she had endless eyes, so deep I could spring off the high dive and plummet to the bottoms of those brown pools…_what the fuck? Where did _that _come from. Did I get castrated during the accident?_ I reached down to pat around my junk, just in case. I had to make sure everything was still intact because I had no idea why I had just thought about Bella Shortcake that way.

But yeah…the eyes. That was the extent of my visual recognition, at least past the flashes I had in my dreams.

However, her having a pretty face couldn't hurt my situation. This place was so goddamn boring. Bella Shortcake could definitely add to the excitement level if I needed it. I mean, once I could piss by myself and actually sit up without aid…Though I guess I technically didn't _need_ to sit up. I mean, I could lie back and let her do all the work…But still, being able to pee on my own was a must.

"Edward?" Carlisle started snapping his fucking fingers in my face.

"I don't even know what she looks like Carlisle. I just want to apologize, ok?"

He mulled over my words, wondering if he should buy what I was selling.

"I'll see what I can do.

--

It had been days since my chat with Carlisle. I had yet to see those doe eyes come through my door. Instead, an endless sea of white came to bother me every few hours.

I had given up hope. Was I to suffer this strange out of place feeling of…regret…on top of all the physical pain and trauma?

Six o'clock rolled around and I let out a heavy sigh, trying to drift off to sleep before having to see those damned orange crocs walking through my door. When the door opened, her footsteps tread lightly. Maybe she thought I was already asleep.

_Good. No forcing out meaningless dribble just to appease the powers that be…all in an effort to make me look more decent._

"Just leave the food, Gloria. I don't have much of an appetite right now."

"It's not Gloria." The voice was timid, soft and instantly recognizable.

_The angel. Nurse Shortcake…I mean, Bella. _

My eyes shot open and my body would've catapulted itself out of my bed had I not been so damaged.

"Bella?" My gaze zeroed in on her face.

Carlisle said she was a pretty face.

Carlisle was a fucking idiot.

Bella Shortcake Swan wasn't another pretty face. She was _divine._

"You know my name?" Her volume increased slightly at my recognition.

"How could I not know the name of my savior?" I tried to throw her a winning smile but it probably resembled a grimace as my skin stretched and tightened painfully.

_Fuck. My smile…gone…_

"Huh…you'd think then you wouldn't have been such an asshole to me this whole time."

Bella's mouth formed an adorable "O" as she clapped a hand over it. Clearly she hadn't intended on saying that aloud. I couldn't help but chuckle.

"If I had known it was you, I would've reacted differently. Trust me."

"So that gives you the excuse to treat people like garbage, because you don't know them?"

Bella's face flushed a deep pink. Mmm, the color of strawberries…shortcake…

"No don't be silly."

"So I'm silly to you? I knew this was a bad idea. But _no…_ I had to listen to Dr. Stevens and Dr. Cullen. Then Jake convinced me it'd be a good idea to vent and…."

Her tirade was adorable, anger no more ferocious than a kitten batting a ball of yarn.

"Bella please! I wanted to apologize. I'm sorry for being an…"

"Asshole?"

"Precisely."

Her eyes looked calculating, trying to figure out if I was fucking with her or being honest.

Silence stretched for some time. The ticking of the clock and beeping of the machines around me seemed to be chanting _'Say something. Say something. Say something'._

But what? I already said "I'm sorry." What's left to say besides that?

_Shit._

This wasn't a bad idea on Bella's part, it was a bad idea on mine. It was stupid for me to ask her back, and she was right, I was an asshole…there was nothing I could do, nothing I could say to disprove it.

_And why should I?_

Maybe she _was _just a pretty face…a pretty face who could take care of me. True, she seemed the least annoying of all the nurses, but she really hadn't had a chance to prove my theories about her nursing abilities incorrect, had she? There was still time though.

She was nothing special to me.

The regret I felt was simply tied to the fact that she had _saved_ me. I owed her a bit of decency for that. But not an ounce more.

"Did you have anything else you wanted to say to me?"

"No, not really."

She turned to leave. I looked down and saw her footwear. No crocs but a pair of beat up white converse. What really caught my attention were the small purple stars on the sides that looked to have been drawn by hand with a sharpie. _Why would she have done that? _I smiled, at least on the inside, at that. They were a far better choice than crocs, which come to think of it, I'm pretty sure had been banned.

"Bella, wait. One more thing."

So…maybe there was a part of me, a small part albeit, that was intrigued by her. I didn't want this to be the last time I saw her.

Bella Shortcake turned to look at me, her eyes red rimmed. _Fuck…again?_

"What, Mr. Cullen?" I shivered at the tone. How did this girl go from timid to strong to exasperated to biting in such a short time?

"I would really appreciate you as my nurse again." Her big eyes widened impossibly. "And please, call me Edward."

--

Days passed and I found myself almost looking forward to seeing Bella each time. Even if she was a little _too _formal, greeting me with a "How are you Mr. Cullen?" despite my request to be called Edward. She hardly spoke a word while with me and she always left with a "call if you need anything" before she stepped out of the door.

I had to assume this bedside manner was reserved only for me. Sometimes I'd hear her laughing with the other nurses at the nurses' station outside my door. She was nice and friendly. Just not with me.

It annoyed me. Even though it probably shouldn't.

"Why did you come back if you hate me so much?"

She scanned the barcode on my wristband before handing me a little white cup with percs in it.

"I don't hate you," she stated as she moved towards the door. "Let me know if you need anything Mr. Cullen." Her hand was on the doorknob.

"I need you to call me Edward."

I swear I saw her lips twitch, as if fighting a smile, as she walked out the door.

Hmm…maybe I didn't need the face to work her over.

_Or maybe she felt pity for King Tut over here._

Either way, I'd take it.

* * *

**yes this chapter is short...the plan was for shorter chapters...we'll see how well that works out. you know i get wordy and as edward heals he may become a long winded bitch...er douchebag.  
reviews are better than semi-sincere apologies from dr. mcdouchey  
**

* * *


	4. My Name Is

**hola, me nombre es stephANIE. no es stephENIE. **

**a/n: thank you for all the support, especially all those who first joined me with PT and came over here once it was done. you guys are the best. i have much more time to devote to this story now. updates should come more often. aren't you excited? i think you will be after this chapter...hehehe.  
muchas gracias to my beta arra584 for being super awesome and taking time to beta even in the midst of a possible tornado.  
****  
also, i'm gonna pimp here:  
if you love doctorward, you really need to read Save You by socact. it's awesome. i am intimidated by her fic. makes me feel so very inadequate, esp with the medical knowledge. go r&r bc she deserves some love **

**Chapter title comes from Eminem's song by the same name...it has nothing to do with the actual content.  
Songs for chapter:  
"Sowing Season" by Brand New  
"My Apology" by The Get Up Kids  
"Animal" by Osker**

"So_**,**_ Bella, I hear you're new to Seattle."

Alright, I admit it; I had actually broken my one cardinal rule and engaged some of the nursing staff in conversation. There was no other way of finding out more information about Bella. She was so maddeningly distant with me. So much so that I wondered if this was how some of my patients felt whenever I entered the room. _Yeah but that's different. Those idiots don't deserve the time of day outside of saving their pathetic lives. _

"Yes_**,**_ that's right."

She didn't even make eye contact with me as she changed out my bag of piss. _So fucking humiliating. _Those white Chucks carried her to dispose of said piss way too quickly. She turned to ask if I needed anything else. I knew from experience that she always chose to end our "conversations" with that parting line, but I cut her off before she could get the words out.

"What brought you to one of the rainiest states in the continental US?" I knew if I could just _smile _at this girl, she'd start acting much more…appropriately. What female could turn down the charm of _this_ Cullen? None. It was too damn bad my face was broken.

"Work." And just like that, she turned away from me and walked out the door.

_I can't believe she didn't ask if I needed anything else. _

The next day was more of the same. I was more than sick of how we interacted. I tried to instigate conversation, who even knew why, by asking where she moved from.

"It's not important, Mr. Cullen."

"It's important to me."

That drew her attention to my face finally, brown eyes wide and staring at what I wished was a cool, calm and collected face. Instead, she just saw the bandages. _So fucking sick of this shit. _

"Um…Arizona."

_Then again, I could definitely play up the pity to my advantage. _

"I'm sure you don't miss all the dry, dead shit down there, huh?" I started to laugh until I saw Bella Shortcake's reaction. She looked pretty fucking pissed at me.

"Actually, I grew up there. So yeah, I do miss all that dry, dead shit. Thank you very much." She marched away, worn soles on her shoes making her slip just slightly as she made her way out the door.

_How old are those shoes? Pretty sure she needs a new pair. Those cannot be safe around a hospital._

"I'm sorry I insulted your home state." Those were the first words out of my mouth as she entered my room the next day.

I wasn't really sorry for my "insulting" remark because it was true. Arizona _was_ dry and everything looked dead there. But I _was _sorry that it had hurt her feelings. I would never understand how some people felt a strange pull to their place of origin. It was just another city in another state. Big fucking deal if you asked me.

"Thank you."

Her face smoothed at my apology and I mentally patted myself on the back for a job well done. For some reason I felt the need to prove I was more than the douche I had shown her. Yeah I was a douche, but I could be charming if I wanted to be. Couldn't I?

"I mean, it is pretty fucking dry there though." The scowl was back in place. I probably shouldn't have said that…

Nurse Shortcake walked over to me, holding out some much needed relief in the form of opiates. She leaned down to place them in the one good hand I had at the moment, immediately going for the large plastic cup next to my bed. The sudden movement caused a shift in the air, bringing her strawberry scent to me in a wave of…something bad. I didn't want to name whatever it was her scent did to me. All I knew was that it made my dick twitch. I did not need any shit like that. Hospital sheets left very little to the imagination.

"If there's anything else you need, let me know."

I was fucking sick of this: her polite curtness. Prim and proper Nurse Shortcake in the fucking Chucks, checking on her patient but staying distant. Fuck that.

"Cut the bullshit, _Nurse Swan._" I may have sneered it out, but I was proud I had managed to remember her real last name.

"Excuse me?" She stood there, frozen from shock. "Just who do you think you are, talking to me like that?"

Finally. Bella Shortcake lives! And all it took was me being my normal ass to her.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we'd already been introduced. I'm Edward."

I held out my hand, mocking her, hoping to continue to get a rise out of her. She was pretty damn cute when all riled up; the strawberry color on her cheeks a nice accompaniment to the scent that already had a strong effect on me.

"Listen, Mr. Cullen."

"Don't call me that."

She fish mouthed at me for a second, probably thrown off at my tone. I hadn't spoken this harshly to her since that first time we had met, before I even knew who she was.

"First of all, it's _Dr. _Cullen. Show some respect." I watched her eyes widen, eyebrows disappearing behind blunt bangs. "And second of all, _Mister _makes me feel old."

"Well, you are kind of old…"

It was my turn to be shocked.

"Excuse me?"

And then she went and did it. She smirked at me; and upon seeing my reaction, threw her head back and laughed. Fucking _laughed _at me.

_What the…_

"Calm down, old man."

"This coming from the fucking child playing dress up in front of me."

Her laughter died out abruptly.

"I am _not _a child."

"Mhm right."

"I'm 25 years old!" Her voice tweaked up at the end, successfully making her sound that much younger.

But I flinched at the revelation. She was just 25. I had known she was young just by her appearance but had never guessed at her age before. She may as well have been a child. And I may as well have been an old man.

I was ten years her senior. That, by no means, made me old. I was at the top of my game; making a name outside of just "Cullen" in this hospital and enjoying myself with whomever doing whatever I pleased. Hell, I had fucked girls younger than her. But for some reason it aged me, made me feel older than I was. That worried me. What the hell was Bella Shortcake doing to me?

"Do I really look old to you?" I must've sounded pathetic because I saw her face soften.

"I don't know, your face…"

_Oh._

Shit, I had forgotten about the bandages. Well of course I looked old. Mummies were fucking decrepit.

"Then why did you call me old man?"

"Oh, I know how old you are." She tapped my wristband, making the skin tingle there from the almost contact of her finger on my bare skin. "But I personally judge youth by a person's eyes." She stepped even closer to me, strawberries seemingly wafting just under my nose and making me want to lean closer just to breathe it in better.

"Is that so…" I hoped she couldn't hear just how strained my voice was. It sounded so fucking clear to my own ears.

She nodded her head in answer, hair slightly swaying with the movement. Just like that I had another distraction from the way her hair seemed to shine under the disgusting fluorescent lighting above.

"May I?"

She leaned over me and that strawberry scent intensified. I had to stop myself from fucking licking my lips because she smelled so goddamn tasty. _What does this girl do? Fucking eat strawberries till the scent is seeping out of every pore? _I was in my own personal hell, trapped underneath her on the bed.

I hesitantly met Bella's gaze, afraid of giving anything away…even though I still didn't really know what there was to give away. Her eyes were scrutinizing, searching me. I wondered if she could see anything in them besides the jackass glare usually present.

"You have beautiful eyes."

I didn't want to laugh at that most clichéd line, I really didn't. I tried holding it back. But it still managed to surface.

As a disgustingly hideous snort.

Bella Shortcake ignored me, thank god. Because Edward Cullen did not snort. That was so very…ugly.

"I've never seen that color of eyes before."

Cue eye roll.

"Right. Because hazel is _so _uncommon."

"No…it's like…" She kept cutting herself off, tilting her head at different angles, moving to the other side of my bed.

"Like what?" I snapped, impatient as usual.

"Well it's like they change color almost." That was a new one. "Like right now, they almost look golden."

"Maybe it's the fluorescence." Because, really? Who the fuck has golden eyes?

"But see…there. They look green now!" She had made her way to the other side of my bed again, her voice a little higher than normal with some weird note of…excitement? I couldn't quite gage her reaction to my "changing" eye color. "Maybe light affects them. Or mood. Because Lord knows you shift between those easily enough. Maybe the eyes follow suit." She smiled down at me, lips full and pink and looking really fucking kissable.

_Yeah, think of all the things those lips could kiss._

"Don't be absurd. Who's ever heard of changing eye colors?" My voice was harsher than I had meant, but only because I was trying to rid myself of the mental image of Bella on her knees, lips brushing against my cock.

_Erection plus hospital sheets equals bad, remember?_

"I know dumbass. It was a joke."

"That's Dr. Dumbass to you, Miss Swan." I wanted to smile, show her I was joking. But fuck these bandages. So I tried smiling...with my eyes...since she liked them so much and shit.

"I'm so sorry for disrespecting you earlier. I should've addressed you properly."

"Stop. I really do not give a damn about the doctor title. That is, unless that kind of shit turns you on."

I winked and again missed my smile. At least, I was rewarded by the strawberries blooming on her cheeks again.

"I just forget you're an attending here, since I'm so new and all."

She had ignored my attempts at flirting.

_Ah hell. That is not a good sign._

Mummy Edward was a fucking failure with women.

"It's ok Bella. Really, I don't care. I was just joking. I don't want you to call me doctor." _Well, maybe when I'm fucking on top of you… _"I want you to call me Edward." _Or scream it more like… _"Please." I threw that in for good measure. Girls and manners…

My favorite Slice of Dessert stared at me; moisture building up from those big eyes not blinking for too long. Or at least I hoped that was the reason behind the tearing up. No more crying from Bella Shortcake.

"Ok…Edward."

She smiled and drew my attention to her lips again. Her bottom lip was fuller than the top and just so fucking…nice. I wanted to suck on it.

This was so frustrating. I had never taken time to really get to know a woman. Especially one that I was this attracted to. Working a girl over shouldn't be this hard. And honestly, I shouldn't even _want _to work for her attention. Girls flocked to me naturally. If one didn't show interest, and that was pretty fucking rare, I just moved on to the next one.

_I must be bored. That explains why I'm so fixated on Bella. Once I'm out of here, things will go back to normal and I won't feel this weird _thing _whenever I see her._

I couldn't heal fast enough. Every morning I woke up harder than the day before. _At least you know that part of your body is ok. _I wondered if conjugal visits were allowed in this prison.

--

I didn't see Bella the next few days. I briefly worried that my attempts at flirting had scared her off.

Goddamned face.

Instead, Gloria showed up. She saw my reaction to her presence and informed me that my Slice of Dessert just had the next few days off work. I felt foolish for slightly panicking. Of course she would have time off. She couldn't be here every single day.

Though I wished she could. Because I was even more bored without her.

When those white Chucks walked through my door finally I felt…eased? I couldn't quite place it, but knew it was a good thing.

"Hey old man, miss me?" She was just like Elizabeth in that way; digging on me with the stupid nick names.

"Yeah I did." I just blurted it out. Not like it should be weird or anything. I did. There was no one quite like Bella.

But I saw those damn strawberry cheeks flush bright and Bella faltered in her steps.

"Oh…er…I missed you too?" It came out as a question.

I couldn't tell if that meant she was embarrassed to admit it, or if she just said it to be nice.

"But of course. I mean, look at me. What's not to miss?"

One small hand went up to cover a mouth that was giggling softly.

"Next time I'll make sure to take some bandages home with me to remember you by."

Fuck. I kept forgetting…mummy.

So she just felt bad for me then.

Bella's giggles grew louder til she was once again tipping her head back to laugh loudly at me. She was clearly amused by her own attempts at humor. If she didn't sound so damn pretty, I would have been much more annoyed by her.

As it was, I was slightly bothered at her laughter.

"Oh please, as if you don't know how ridiculously good looking I am."

"As a matter of fact, Zoolander, I don't."

She rolled her eyes as if the topic bored her. I couldn't believe it though.

_Really? She's not curious about the man behind the gauze? None of the females in this hospital talked me up to her?_

"Well then, I'm requesting you be present when they finally take all this shit off. I want to watch your reaction to _the_ face."

"Oh god, you're vain. How do you walk around with that giant head of yours without toppling over? Can you even fit through doorways?"

"Just wait, Shortcake."

Bella quirked an eyebrow at me.

_Shit, did I say that out loud?_

"Whatever Edward. Jake is the most handsome man I've ever seen. Any better looking and you'd be a girl."

_Who the fuck is Jake?_

"Jake?" I didn't want to sound too nosey. The idea of some guy better looking than me shouldn't bother me so much.

"My boyfriend."

Strawberry cheeks ripened, darkening more than I'd yet seen. I did not like it. After all the time we had spent together in this room, I felt a strange possessiveness over that goddamn blush. It should be reserved only for me.

"Oh." Because what else could I say?

"If you need anything Edward," she paused, emphasizing the use of my name with a smile, "let me know." She turned to leave but stopped to speak to me one last time. "I won't be seeing you tomorrow night…or any other night from now on actually."

"What the fuck? But I've been on my best," Shortcake glared at me, "ok, so I've been on good behavior."

"I'll be seeing you at 2 from now on. I switched my shifts around."

"Oh, ok." I struggled to keep myself in check. I desperately wanted to breathe out a sigh of relief. "Why though?"

"Um…well..Jake doesn't like me working so late. Thinks it's dangerous for me to be out at that time of night."

"He's right. A girl as pretty as you should not be out on the streets tempting the scum of this city." The blush on her cheeks rivaled that of the previous one.

_Ha! Take that Jake!_

Bella left fairly quickly, leaving me to my thoughts. We had made a lot of progress over the past few days. Not only was she calling me Edward, but she was also actually _talking _to me. It was nice. With only family coming in to break up the monotony, it was nice to have a…well friend wasn't really the right word for her…but something akin to it in this Godforsaken Hell hole. It was so nice, that I felt the pain in my jaw from trying to smile.

Something was nagging at me though. Try as I might, I couldn't place my finger on just what had me concerned about Bella. I was half way asleep later that night when the light bulb clicked on.

2:00 was my scheduled sponge bath.

_Oh. Fuck. Me. _

_

* * *

_

**i would love to hear all of your thoughts. leave me a review and let me know. perhaps i will be compelled to send you a teaser in response (yes i know, i'm doing this so that i can get more...whorin it up ppl)  
i'm really hungry for strawberries right now...**

* * *


	5. Gotta Get Through This

**disclaimer: it's stephANIE not stephENIE. don't own anything twilight, tho i love making edward dr. mcdouchey and bella nurse shortcake.**

**a/n: big thanks to both arra584 and mskathy who looked over my chapter. This one has been such a bitch to get out…more of that in a minute.  
I was gonna keep this short…but I feel the need to 'splain some things to you. First and foremost is the BIGGEST apology I can offer. Bc just in the last chapter I declared no long waits between posts and then what do I do? Take a month to update. I'm so sorry. If any of you are still stickin with me, thanks. Appreciate it. and it means a lot, those of you who pmed my ass and reviewed asking when I would update. truly it does. You guys all deserve some strawberry shortcake…or some mcdouchey. You pick. I'll dish out.** **  
Second, I had some drama concerning this chapter. More specifically I had drama revolving around edward's injuries and how to go into more detail about them. Many many thanks to Meighan who has been there for me, emailing my ass with suggestions and info about the medical field. There were many nights spent trying to focus in on what is really wrong with him and if it was even at all plausible. you may notice, if you are well versed in anything involving medicine, that edward's injuries and his rate of healing maybe don't match up quite like they should in RL. I was going to go back and revamp the past chapters so that they did…but then I wondered how many ppl would actually go back and reread what I had done. I didn't want confusion when ppl thought he'd only been in the hospital for x amount of time and all of a sudden it was y. tho I must make a note that when alice was telling Edward what had happened to him, she specifically said he had third degree burns…which just wasn't right. That was not an error on her part but on mine…tho I will try and play it off as alice not knowing much about burns. Sorry guys. I'm just taking creative license here. It's ff so I figure I can get away with a little departure from absolute reality.  
****my last note of the day is that edward's views on life are not necessarily my own. more specifically, the way he views nurses is definitely not my own. i don't mean to offend anyone with what he says. **

***deep breath* sorry about the long winded a/n. moving on.**

**Chapter title comes from Daniel Bedingfield's song "Gotta Get Through This." Parts can definitely be applied to this chapter *snickers* just don't take **_**all **_**the words literally.**

**Chapter songs:  
**"**Dead on Arrival" by Fall Out Boy (E)  
**"**Great Romances of the 20****th**** Century" by Taking Back Sunday (B)  
**"**Let the Cool Goddess Rust Away" by Clap Your Hands Say Yeah (E)**

* * *

"Good afternoon, Edward."

Bella walked into my room, but I actually smelled her before I saw her. The scent went straight to my dick. And all I could think was _no, not now. Why does she have to smell so fucking good?_

"Hi," I mumbled while looking anywhere but directly at her.

"It's time for your bath. Let's get started, shall we?" She seemed distant; cold, or something. I didn't know if that was a good or bad thing.

"Um, about that…" I forced out a choking cough, and hoped to God she didn't hear the nerves in my voice. "I don't think that's such a good idea."

"Why?" Confusion flickered in her eyes as she searched mine.

"Well…I just think it may cause…a…er…" I cut myself off, looking down at my lap pointedly as I waved a hand in my general groin area.

"Oh!" Her cheeks flushed a light pink as she realized what I was getting at. _That doesn't help. _"Don't worry, Edward. I'm a complete professional. In fact, how about I call you Dr. Cullen for the duration of your bath. Would that help?"

That would not fucking help. _She sounds so good calling me Dr. Cullen. _

"I doubt it." She smirked at me as if reading my mind. "What I think would be best is you just not administering the bath right now. I'll have another nurse do it at a different time."

"Sorry Dr. Cullen. That just will not do."

_Ugh, quit calling me Dr. Cullen. _

She moved to the basin full of water and dipped a sponge in, letting it soak up the water that would do nothing to wash away the dirty thoughts in my head.

"Bella, no."

My words caused her to halt, but only for a moment. Another smirk graced her lips as she set the sponge down and went towards another basin just to the right of the one she had her hands in.

"Don't worry Dr. Cullen. I know just how to take care of any little problems that may _pop _up."

_Did she just insult me? _Little _did she say? _

"Oh, it wouldn't be a _little _problem Nurse Shortcake. Trust me."

"Regardless," she kept going without acknowledging her nickname, again. Was she ignoring that on purpose? "I know just what to do."

Her hand lifted out of the basin to reveal something silver and shiny. _Is that…?_ I cringed back as she advanced on me, object held out in front of her and moving down towards my crotch.

_She's not going to do what I think she is…is she? People don't _do _that anymore. Do they?!_

"Hold still, Dr. Cullen. I'm here to take care of you."

And before I could tell her to stop, she had lifted up my gown, hand dangerously close to my cock.

"No, stop! Stop! I'm not even really hard! You don't have to…"

The spoon was ice cold as she thwacked it against my balls once, then ran it up my length, now flaccid after her attack. It was so cold and painful, the need to cup and protect myself inherent. I closed my eyes tightly, trying to breathe through the pain that was now in the pit of my stomach, making me feel sick.

"See? I told you I'd take care of it."

I opened my eyes to yell at her, see the guilt in her face when I informed that my balls would literally be blue thanks to her, but she wasn't there. There was _nothing _in front of me. W_hat the fuck? I know I did not imagine that pain. Too real._

But it had to have been a dream. No spoon, no cart, no Bella. It was a dream. Christ, I was so worked up over what was going to happen I was having fucking _nightmares _about it.

_Still, just in case…_

I felt around my sac, just to make sure. Still hurt, but I attributed that to not having busted a nut in quite a fucking while. My cock grew hard from merely touching it, practically crying out for me to stroke it good.

_Don't think about it. Just don't fucking think about it._

I kept telling myself not to worry about Bella Shortcake's shift change, but my body didn't care enough to listen.

_It's been three weeks at _least _since you've gotten any Edward, of course you'll react like this to a beautiful woman about to sponge bathe you._

That may have been true, but it didn't make me feel any better. I was about to pop a boner from a girl's mere touch, something I hadn't had to deal with since Angela Weber, freshman year high school in her parents' basement. And if my little Shortcake even came close to my cock, I was sure to lose it. Just like with Angie.

Fuck that! There was no way I'd let it get that far. I would not blow my load because of my own personal naughty nurse fantasies. Fantasies which were made even hotter because Bella wasn't naughty at all, at least that I could see. She looked so damn innocent.

_I wonder what kind of panties she wears. Plain white cotton? Or maybe lacy and frilly…red or black?_

That was not helping. I mean, I probably could've used those thoughts to _help relieve _some of the pressure I knew was building up, but my body was probably too weak, focusing its energy on healing me. I doubted my forearm could handle all the pumping action. Plus, how weird would it look if I paged a nurse asking for lotion? Never mind the problem of where all the spunk would go when all was said and done. Because I was pretty fucking sure there would be more than a few Kleenex could handle at this point.

I just had to form some kind of game plan. Direct my attention to other things and distract myself from what I knew would be an awkward situation. As a doctor I knew problems like this could…arise…and nurses kept things professional, but it didn't make me feel any better.

I didn't want Bella's first time seeing my dick to be while I was still all mummified and smelling of decaying flesh or something. Not ideal circumstances. Preferably she'd see the Full Monty while lying naked under me. Or on top. Maybe turned around with her sweet ass in the air for me to spank...

_Edward, shut the fuck up!_

I was on edge all morning, snapping at the hospital staff more than normal. One nurse burst into tears by the time his shift was over. That's right…_his. _I had little respect for any man who wanted to do a woman's job. Okay, so calling him _Focker _repeatedly probably wasn't the best idea I ever had. _What the fuck ever dude. Get a real job. _

Carlisle decided to make his daily obligatory visit. He tried chatting about my coworkers, as if I even knew what was going on in their lives before the accident. I was really more interested in hearing how I was healing. It was hard as hell to lay here and not know everything that was going on with how my body was healing. I would have asked the nurses for information, only I didn't want to open the floodgates and let them think I was okay with chatting. As Bella was only now talking to me again, I decided to play nice, be polite before overwhelming her with my requests.

"Carlisle, how about you just tell me what's going on. Sound good?"

"Alright, then…" He cleared his throat, entering professional doctor mode. I was no longer his son, just another patient. Though that wasn't much different from how he normally treated me. "What do you want to hear about first?"

"My face."

"Naturally." I noticed Carlisle roll his eyes.

I had spent hours restoring my car to pristine condition, only I apparently slacked at the more modern safety features. The airbag deployed late. That's not to say it wasn't up to today's safety standards. It's just, I clearly hadn't taken as much time to install it correctly as I had other aspects of my car. Since I had not been buckled up, my face smashed into the steering wheel. My nose broke, I ruptured my left sinus, and a few teeth had chipped; I guess I was lucky none broke completely. Suffering through teeth implants and the healing would have been hell, not to mention the embarrassment that went along with having them cleaned. As it was, having caps on my teeth made me feel like shit. Hopefully those didn't interfere with my winning smile. Most of this I already knew though. I was more concerned with the other injuries to my face; the ones that occurred once the airbag did deploy.

"What about the burns?"

I didn't think it was possible to get third degree burns on my face from an airbag, but I was still worried. Any third degree burns on my face would equal ugly. Alice had told me I was promised complete healing of my face, no scarring, but Alice wasn't really qualified in that area. She was right, I shouldn't have asked her.

"Luckily most were just first degree. You did suffer some second degree burns around your cheeks and jaw line. I wouldn't worry about those though."

I nodded mutely.

Carlisle continued listing off the rest of my bodily problems. Two ribs had broken when my body was thrown forward; subsequently, my left lung was punctured. I had glass embedded in my face, arms and chest. Most were surface wounds, though some had cut me deeply. I saw one wound on my left pectoral that was sure to leave a scar. Some people say "chicks dig scars," but all I could think of was the body I worked hard to maintain was now marred.

My left femur had been fucking pulverized from the crash. The break was high up my leg, so not only did I have a rod in my leg, but pins holding it in place. That along with the metal plate they put in my face to repair the sinus damage was sure to set off metal detectors at airports.

"And you'll probably walk with a limp, son, at least for awhile. With rigorous physical therapy that should dissipate, but you know you will need to take it easy for awhile."

"Christ, I'm not even out of the bed. Why don't you wait until I'm released before laying into me."

Before Carlisle could respond, my door opened. He gave me a piercing look that said "this isn't over," but shut his mouth. He looked up at the doorway to see who was coming in, interrupting us from going at each other's throat. He seemed to shrug away all the negative energy that he was feeling. Carlisle was always like that, switching into professional mode with a flick of the wrist, leaving whatever family member he was dealing with still reeling from whatever real life situation they were currently discussing.

"Hello Nurse Lauren." Carlisle smiled cheerily at the fake blonde strutting through my door.

She knew what I looked like pre car accident. That was why she was trying her best for va-va-voom. Only, the vapid look in her eyes and outfit two sizes too small made her look more like sl-sl-slut.

"Hi Doctors Cullen." She tried for a cute giggle as she recognized both of us. But again, her attempts fell flat. Everything about her was flat…except her chest. I wondered if it was James or Laurent that fixed her up. Knowing how Lauren was likely to pay for the services, my bet was on Laurent.

"Lauren." It was as much of a greeting as I was willing to offer. She spent too much time each day trying to engage me in conversation. I half heartedly thought about just telling her to get on with it and go down on me, but I was decent enough to know it probably wouldn't be so pleasant while I was still bed ridden.

"Dr. Meyers asked me to come check on your face."

Lauren had taken an interest in plastics, along with the supposedly attractive males that chose that profession, and assisted on my facial reconstruction. Little did she know that, being a Cullen, I'd only get the best to fix me up. And the best just so happened to be Meyers, a no nonsense middle aged woman. I knew that had to have put a damper on Lauren's spirits, while not doing the same to her panties, but at least she got to be close to me. That had to get her going, even in my mummified state.

She slowly began removing the bandages that kept me hidden from everyone, including myself. I kept my eyes closed, afraid of what I'd see on Lauren's face…in case I wasn't healing like I should. After what seemed like ages, I felt a coolness being spread across my forehead.

"Everything looks great, Dr. Cullen." I opened my eyes to see her smiling down at me. This time it almost looked genuine. "The first degree burns have basically healed completely." She swabbed on some CeraVe to keep the skin moisturized.

"And what about the other burns?"

"Most of the blisters have popped!" She looked so excited. Truthfully, I was too. Normally anything involving blisters popping would not sound so spectacular, but in this instance, it meant I was healing well. "I'm just going to cut away the skin, apply some more antibiotic, and rewrap you. I can't speak for Dr. Meyers, of course, but I wouldn't be surprised if within the next week or so she wants to leave the bandages off!"

_Thank fucking God._

I watched as she snipped away the disgusting skin from my blisters. She grabbed a sterile swab and dipped it into the silver sulfadiazine, slathering it on my cheeks, around my mouth, and along my jaw liberally. It stung just a little as she caked it on -just like her makeup- but soon the sting was replaced by a soothing feeling all along my face. It smelled though, like shit. Well, really not like shit, but some weird yeasty thing I couldn't quite place. I couldn't help but wish Nurse Shortcake was the one applying the cream on my face. At least then her sweet strawberry scent could combat with this…unpleasant one.

She placed the bandages and gauze back on my face, sealing me up so as to keep out any contamination. With those on, the smell was slightly lessened. Regardless of the stench, my face would soon be back to normal. My Shortcake would soon see how accurate my comments were on being ridiculously good looking.

_Try and call me Zoolander again…_

I started to smile at the image of Bella's surprised and lustful gaze when they finally revealed the man behind the bandages for her. But, as was to be expected, the pain overrode the smile and I winced as a result.

"Does your face hurt?" Lauren bent down lower to assess any problems on my face.

"When I try to smile, it hurts."

"The skin is probably tightening up too much from the healing process. You need to stretch it out more." Carlisle butted in. I had almost forgotten he was still here.

"How?" If I had paused to think, the answer would've come to me on its own, but I was too annoyed by his disturbance.

"Well, I would hazard a guess that you need to smile more." The way he said it made me think he was not only giving advice on how to heal the ache but how to "make me a better man."

"But that's what hurts! You can't possibly expect me to bring more pain to myself by…"

"I think I'll leave now." Lauren started backing away towards the door, clearly uncomfortable by my exchange with Carlisle. "Let me know if you need anything."

Her statement made me think of Bella, and how mere hours from now she would come swaying through my door in her ridiculous Chucks, ready to bathe me like some overgrown man baby. That got me nervous all over again, thoughts of my face being unveiled forgotten. How the hell was I going to keep myself calm?

--

Carlisle left shortly after that, noticing my drooping eyes as a sign of needed rest. I was tired. It was pathetic what tired me out these days. Just being _awake _and _talking _seemed to wear me out. _I wonder if this is how the elderly feel…_

I slipped into another fretful sleep. Dreams began crashing down on my subconscious, though luckily none involved Bella and a cold spoon. One particular dream did stand out to me as rather odd and nerve wracking.

It was like an out of body experience. A younger version of me, complete with casts and a bandaged face in thick black glasses, went up to the nurse's station. A look of determination was etched into my face as I began speaking to Elizabeth.

"And what would you like, little boy?"

"I want a sponge bath from Nurse Bella Swan."

"You'll shoot her eye out kid," Elizabeth pointed down to my child sized hardened cock and laughed.

I woke up with an even bigger fear of ejaculating all over Nurse Shortcake.

_Oh God, please don't let me make a fool of myself._

I fell back asleep, praying my dreams this time would have nothing to do with Bella or my own bodily fluids.

--

The smell of food woke me up again, my lunch tray by my bedside. Lauren must have left it while I was still asleep. Even though it smelled funky still, I knew I needed to eat if I wanted to heal faster. I looked up at the clock as I reached for the cover of my dish.

_Shit! It's 1:50!_

That meant that delicious strawberry scent would come wafting over in just 10 minutes. I needed to eat quickly so I could be finished before she came in. I needed all my wits about me in order to divert her attention from the necessity of bathing me.

My hand was shoveling random bites of what-the-fuck-ever into my mouth when I heard the handle turn and door open. It scared…er…startled me and whatever was on my fork spilled all down my front.

"Fuck."

"Nice to see you too, Edward." She smiled at me as she took in my appearance. It grew wider when she noticed food splattered all across my front.

_I am one fucking man baby. Jesus Christ._

"Hi." I reached to the side to grab a napkin but Bella's hand stopped me.

"Allow me." She picked up the napkin and began dabbing it across my hospital gown. "It's a good thing you didn't get any on your bandages, otherwise Nurse Lauren would have to come back and change your dressings again." _She knew Lauren had been in here? I wonder if she told Bella anything about my face. _"And it's a good thing I'm here to wash you. Looks like you need it." _I think my mind just checked out for a bit. Bella saying she's here to wash me is…fucking…yeah…_

After cleaning off as much as she could, Bella worked her way up to the skin that was exposed just above the gown, swiping the cloth from side to side in order to soak up all the shit there. The feel of the napkin against my skin was like a caress. Each pass across my clavicle made me breathe a little heavier. I also noticed I was starting to pitch a tent.

"I think you got it all." I pushed her hand away quickly, trying to make it seem not so rude. It didn't work though. Her face fell.

"Sorry."

"It's ok Bella, my skin is just kind of sensitive." She smiled again at the use of her name.

"Oh! Of course!" She kind of fluttered her hands above my chest as if wanting to make sure I was ok without actually touching me. "Don't worry Edward, I'll be gentle with you."

_Jesus…_

Without waiting for a response, my little Shortcake left the room to acquire the necessary essentials for an adult sponge bath. I used the time away from her to try and calm down the massive hard-on threatening to bust through the sheets like some kind of creature out of _Alien. _I was chanting to myself to "think unsexy thoughts" as Bella came back in with a cart like the one in my dreams.

"You ready to get all clean, dirty boy?"

My eyes widened as I stared up at her, trying to figure out just what the fuck was going on. Did she really just call me a _dirty boy_? Was she _trying _to get me worked up? Her face was smiling down at me, but it was innocent; as she thought she was being cute and funny. When in reality all she was, was a cock tease. She had no idea how hot that was, telling me how gentle she'd be to this dirty boy. She also had no idea that I was trying to inconspicuously adjust myself so she wouldn't see just how hard she made me. This girl was seriously bad news.

_No fucking clue how sexy she is. _

Bella grabbed hold of a cloth that was folded on the cart. She dipped it in a basin of water, pulled it out and squeezed out the excess water before bringing it up to the top of my head. I could feel the warmth drip down my head, tickling my ears and the back of my neck as droplets escaped. It was an odd sensation, yet somehow still…erotic. I struggled to hold back the groan that was working its way up my chest.

One of her slender hands came to cup against my forehead, keeping any water away from my bandages. The feel of her skin against mine caused my cock to jump up in attempts to say hello. _Down boy. _Her nails were scratching and massaging my scalp. It felt so damn good. The 'down boy' command swept through my mind again, but this dog wanted to be disobedient. How could I expect myself _not _to react when she was doing this to me? It was all natural, right?

My hair thoroughly washed, Bella began unsnapping the top of my gown, exposing my chest to her. I felt a chill run through me that had nothing to do with the temperature. Her nimble fingers removed the bandages covering my cuts. She used such gentle pressure to wash the swollen cuts and stitches littered across my upper torso. It was getting to be too much. I was afraid there'd be a wet spot soaking through the gown and sheets directly above my groin…and it wouldn't be from the water.

"Bella." I had to stop myself before I let an embarrassing noise escape my lips.

"What is it Edward?" The cloth was slowly traveling down my body as she tugged down the gown. Her hand swept from left to right, getting closer to my belly button. If she kept going, she was going to feel something distinctly hard.

"You need to stop." My words were a little on the breathy side as I tried to plead my way out of this situation. I was fucking Dr. Edward Cullen.

"Edward, I can't stop. I need to do this for you." All I heard was _Edward, I can't stop. I need to do you. _Which totally didn't help me at all. "I'll be softer." She tried to give me a reassuring smile. All I saw was a sexy smirk.

_Fuck. Me. No, really, fuck me Shortcake. _

The pressure she was exerting on my body was barely there. It made me even hotter. Her fingers and the cloth were teasing me again, making me want more.

_Harder, touch me harder Shortcake._

It seemed my lower head was now ruling my entire body, thinking things that would only get me in trouble. But this was not what I fucking wanted. Ok, so it _was _something that I wanted; just not right now. Not while I was in this bed. I wanted to cum, but I wanted it to be mutual. And right now, Bella Shortcake had no idea that I would be making a sticky mess in my gown because of her skillful hands.

_There is no fucking way. Dick, you need to shut the fuck up._

"Bella. Stop." I ground out the words through clenched teeth.

Her hand stopped and pulled away from my body as if I had electrocuted her. She looked up in my eyes and _had _to have seen the look of sheer determination there. Though judging by how crestfallen she looked, it may have come across as something harsher. My tone had alerted her that I was 100 percent serious.

"Why? Edward, I don't understand. Am I doing something wrong?"

_No sweet girl, you are doing everything so fucking _right.

"Because…"

"I thought I was being so gentle. I'm sorry if I was hurting you. Do you want another nurse to come in and do it? I can't believe I screwed this up. Oh my God. So embarrassing to have the patient tell you to stop…"

She was rambling now. It was actually pretty adorable to see her worry so much. She had no idea that, while it was completely her fault I needed her to stop, it wasn't for the reasons she thought. Unfortunately, that thought made me feel bad. She was obviously berating herself for not doing a good job with her patient. Bella was nothing if not a great nurse. She took pride in doing a job well done, and my reaction was making her second guess her abilities. But I couldn't tell her the real reason for wanting her to stop.

_Bella, if you don't stop touching me like that I really will shoot your eye out. My jizz is so backed up, my cock will surely launch it out like some type of ballistic missile._

"It's not that. It's just…"

I was cut off from having to explain by the door opening.

_Thank you God!_

I don't know how I forgot what time it was. And who always came at the same time each day.

_Mom._

"Edward, how are you feeling today?"

She looked over at my bed, seeing the hot Nurse Shortcake struggling to help clean me off while I struggled to push her away. _Only having the use of one hand severely limits that. _Her eyes bugged out a little as she took in the scene.

Usually if she walked in on my bath time, I lay there limp as a cooked noodle. Today, my right leg, my _good_ leg, was bent at the knee in attempts to hide my hard on, though hopefully Mom didn't know that. My eyes were crazed with lust and annoyance, and Bella muttering to herself about being a good nurse probably floated to her ears.

"Mom! Thank God you're here!" Bella stopped all attempts at finishing the sponge bath with those words. "You can take over for Nurse Swan!" I was ecstatic. With my own mother bathing me, there was no risk of inappropriate thoughts and body parts getting out of control.

"Um, sure honey." Mom tried to smile at me, but her eyes were fixed on Bella Shortcake.

I looked up at those big brown eyes as she walked away from me. They were filled with tears, and the look on her face made me cringe back. She was hurt. It was written so plainly in the soft lines of her face. The excitement of seeing my mom walk in, exclaiming _thank God _probably came across so much differently to my sweet dessert.

_Shit. _

"If y-you n-need anything, Dr. Cullen, p-please let m-me know." She walked out before I could say anything.

_Double shit. I was back to Dr. Cullen._

"Edward, what the heck was that all about?" Mom asked me as she picked up where Shortcake had left off. Luckily, my cock was properly deflated with the presence of Mom and Bella's reaction.

"Nothing." She cocked her head to the side as one perfectly sculpted eyebrow lifted up at me.

"Are you sure? I've never seen you react that way, ever."

"Yes, Mom, I'm sure."

"Who was that nurse? I didn't recognize her?"

"Can you just hurry up Mom? I'm getting cold." I snapped out at her, something I hated doing. Mom didn't deserve any of my bad attitude. She was my mother, my rock, and the only person I could honestly say I loved unconditionally.

"Ok, son."

She looked hurt, but continued to wash me, shifting my body around so I wouldn't develop any pressure sores. Her hands were soft and gentle like Bella's. Only, while my favorite Nurse's incited a not so quiet riot in my body, Mom's made me feel calm and secure. Esme always had that effect on me. I was her first child, and I would be lying if I didn't say she seemed to favor me at least a little bit over my other siblings. It showed in the way I reacted to her. She could talk me down from my proverbial ledge like no other. The few times that I had opened up to her about my problems, she used those hands to hold me, push the hair out of my eyes, and placate my troubled soul. She was the only one who knew the "softer side" of Edward Cullen even existed.

And I worked damn hard to keep it that way.

"I'm sorry Mom. I'm just having a rough time right now."

"Ok, sweetie." She bent down to place a kiss at the top of my head. "Just know I'm here if you need to talk."

"I know. " _You are the only one that's there for me. _"Thank you."

Mom chatted with me about what was going on at home and in the neighborhood as she washed me. I only half listened to what she was saying. I was more focused on her voice. It was soft and musical and right now lulling me to sleep. I "mhm"ed and "yeah"ed to all that she was saying, until my lids were too heavy to keep open and my mouth too tired to speak. I felt one last kiss on my head before drifting off to sleep.

No dreams bothered me this time, but I woke up in a panic nonetheless. I had to apologize to Bella Shortcake. If I didn't, all the progress we had made would be ruined.

_Why do you care anyway?_

I didn't have an answer to that. Usually, that would freak the shit out of me, but I chose to ignore the way I seemed to completely fall apart at the seams whenever I thought about that delicious girl.

_I just need to do this, ok?_

I pressed the call button, anxiously waiting for that sweet scent to fill my nose again, and stared at the door. She would come in as soon as she was done with another patient. I hoped she got everything done while I was asleep, because I planned on occupying Bella the rest of her shift.

"Is everything ok Dr. Cullen?"

"Bella, please, I'm so sorry about earlier." Her steps faltered as she neared me, probably thrown off by the sincerity laced in my voice.

"I, uh, don't know what you're apologizing for." She looked away from me in a hurry.

"Yes you do. Don't lie to me." Bella was finally at my bedside, looking shocked as hell. "Earlier, when you were bathing me, I snapped at you. I didn't mean to."

"Then why did you?" She spoke in a quiet, barely there voice.

_Shit, you painted yourself into a corner there, Cullen. What do you say now?_

"I just have issues with…people touching me." No need to explain that _people _really meant _her. _

"Oh." Her eyes widened more. "I had no idea. I'm so sorry. You should've told me, Edward."

_Thank fuck. She's calling me Edward again._

"I meant to. Can you forgive me for being an asshole again? I didn't want you to question your skills as a nurse because of me."

"Of course I can forgive you Edward." The stunned look softened to something close to…affection? Her smile was tender and alarmingly beautiful. It was my turn to be stunned at her reaction. I couldn't speak and the silence dragged on for a full minute before Bella broke it. "Was there anything else you needed?"

"Yeah there is. Do you think you could tell me about it?"

"About what, Edward?" I swallowed the lump in my throat, suddenly nervous.

"About the night of my accident."

* * *

**so...whatdya think? i hope the medical business of this chapter came across as authentic as possible. i realize that maybe edward shouldnt' be talking and eating as often as he does now, but...well that's just how it is. hopefully you still like it.**

**reviews are better than unsatisfying sponge baths ;)**


	6. You Tell A Tale

**Disclaimer: it's stephANIE not stephENIE.**

**a/n: I won't take up too much of your time. I'm sorry. I suck. I know it. forgive me? I'm trying to get better.  
****Muchas gracias to Meighan for giving me the medical info I needed. Also for creating this amazingly awesome blog: 4theluvofmary (dot) wordpress (dot) com****. If you ever wonder what's going on …check there. Thanks to twilighter620 for reading bits and lmk if things flowed ok. And also to arra584 for being such an awesome beta, helping me out despite her busy schedule. *mwah*  
the large portion in italics is a flashback. Also, I know little to nothing about Seattle, so names of places may be fictitious or unrealistic to the location suggested. Using my creative license again *shrugs***

**Chapter title comes from Just Surrender's "You Tell a Tale." The song has no application to the content of this chapter.  
****Chapter songs:  
**"**This is Our Emergency" by Pretty Girls Make Graves  
**"**For Your Lungs Only" by Alkaline Trio  
****"Siren Song" by The Anniversary**

* * *

"You want me to tell you what happened on the night of your accident?" Bella cocked her head to the side, somehow puzzled by my request.

"Yes." I drew the word out so she would hear clearly. Somehow she wasn't understanding me. _Do I need to speak slower?_

"But why? Edward, your father is a highly competent doctor, and was also present that night. Surely he…"

"He gave me a basic run down, you're right. But what I want to know; only you can provide for me. You found me. You know everything that happened."

"Well, not _everything._" I noticed a delicious blush coloring her cheeks.

"I know you stayed the whole night. That was one detail Carlisle made sure to mention. Especially after how horrible I had treated you."

"Oh." The blush blazed brighter. God, how I loved it.

"So…" I trailed off, hoping I had prompted her enough to go into the story.

"Well, where do you want me to start?"

"Start by pulling up a chair and making yourself comfortable." I smiled, feeling the tightness around my mouth, but Bella had already turned around to grab the chair. She had missed it. I suffered through the pain for her and she missed it.

_Not like it was that much anyway. Can't be that great of a smile if my face is still fucked up._

My pessimistic attitude was wiped away when I saw my sweet Strawberry scoot the chair over. She had the biggest fucking smile on her face. She was beautiful and I stared unabashedly until she got settled next to me.

"Thanks, Edward."

"It's I that should be thanking you for taking the time." If my face hadn't been so sore I'd have tried to smile again.

"Laying it on kind of thick, are we?" Bella smirked at me.

Was I? Perhaps I was coming on too strong. But it was all with the intention of wooing my favorite nurse. I needed her to want me. Because the minute I was discharged, I was going to bend that hot little body over a hospital bed and…

"Well, I was driving back from Forks," she cut in, interrupting my little fantasy.

"Forks?"

"It's where my dad lives. Tiny town on the Olympic Peninsula. So, like I said, I was driving back…"

"But I thought you grew up in Arizona."

"I did."

"Then why is your dad in Forks?"

"Because that's where he lives." She gave me an exasperated look.

"How come he's not in Arizona?" I was confused. And very interested. I was all about getting to know more about what made Bella the tasty little dish that she was.

"Do you want to know what happened or not?" Her eyebrows furrowed in annoyance.

"Of course I do. But I'm also trying to understand you." Her face relaxed and she smiled once more. I seemed to be saying the right things.

"Fine. The abbreviated version of my life: parents married, got pregnant, had me, then divorced. I went with my mom to Arizona. My dad stayed in Forks. I visited him in the summers, lived with him for the last two years of high school, then came back to Arizona for school. Happy?"

"For now." I managed to smirk a little bit without too much pain. _Progress._

"So you'll stop interrupting me then? Because if you can't be quiet, I can do this later." She started to lift herself out of the chair.

"No!" I was afraid she was really pissed at me. "I'll be good. I promise." I noticed her sly smile as she started to get comfortable again. "You're bad." I tried smiling in response, this time it hurt just a little bit less.

"As bad as I wanna be." She curled one leg under her as she got settled in her chair for good. My eyes went straight to the spot between her legs. I wished more than anything that Bella wasn't wearing those stupid scrubs right now. Especially when she was telling me how bad she was, or could be.

Too bad she didn't mean it in any way sexual…at least not yet. That time would come, or at least I hoped so-in every sense of the word, in the near future.

But thinking about Bella coming, or anything sexual for that matter, was not what I needed to do right now. Right now I needed the facts.

"So you were driving home from Forks…" I prompted her again.

"Right. I stayed with my dad that weekend. He had a few things of mine that I needed for my new place." I noticed a strange look in her eyes, something akin to longing. It was weird. But I figured I would ask about that later. "I was driving down Jackson when I saw you, well not _you, _but your car."

I almost stopped breathing at her words. I would finally know what happened. As Bella began recounting the story, her eyes grew serious and the smile she had been wearing curved down into a slight grimace.

_Bella was so glad she was almost…home. She cringed slightly at the use of the word. She still thought of her place back in Arizona as home. The house she and Jake were living in together. Everything that made her feel safe and happy was still with him back there. This new place made her feel isolated and alienated in a new area. Bella really hoped that once Jake moved out to Seattle she'd consider her new house a home. _

_She was cruising down Jackson, getting closer to her small bungalow, when she saw taillights in the distance. It looked like the car was over too far to the right. She subconsciously slowed down as she neared, taking in the absolute mayhem of the scene._

_The car, some kind she didn't recognize, was practically wrapped around the light pole. Glass and other debris were littered across the street. The transformer, once on the pole, now rested on the hood of the car. Sparks crackled in the dark sky, giving an eerie ambiance to the accident. In Bella's mind, there was no way someone survived an accident like that; not a head on collision of that magnitude. _

_She instinctively pulled out her cell phone to call 911. After giving her location to the operator, Bella hung up and rushed to the driver's side door. The man inside was covered in blood. His entire face was cut up and swollen. The urge to cringe back from the rust scent was almost overwhelming. Luckily years of desensitizing herself in order to become a nurse took the edge of the desire._

"_Sir, can you hear me?" Bella called out as she tried opening up the door. Medical training dictated she not move the man. But she still wanted to determine just how bad he was…if he was even alive that is._

_The broken man in the front seat let out a small groan, barely audible as Bella managed to pry open the door._

"_Oh my god, are you ok?"_

_But there was no response. Whoever this man was, clearly he wasn't coherent enough to be of much use to assessing the damages. _

_Bella reached forward, needing to find a pulse to reassure that the person inside the car was alive still. When she at last felt the faint throb on his neck, her heart beat fast in her chest; almost as if compensating for the weak one belonging to the man. _

"_Can you hear me?" There was no response. "Please, sir…if you can hear me, blink or something, so I know." _

_Still nothing. Bella was getting even more worried than before. She desperately needed to hear this man say something, if not for his sake, than for hers. For whatever reason, seeing his broken body pulled at her heartstrings more than just a normal patient. Maybe it was finding him like this, alone and bleeding, that caused her to feel so strongly. She needed to save him. _

_He was bleeding a lot, and from so many places. She noticed the cuts on his face, the ones on his chest that oozed blood now soaking into his shirt, and from the looks of it, his left leg was broken, pretty badly at that. Bella needed to do something._

_Running to her car once more, Bella scrounged through her luggage, retrieving a clean towel. It would have to make do to stanch the blood flow. She needed to put pressure on his wounds. She used the tiny surgical scissors her first aid kit included to cut the towel into strips. When she was back at the man's side, Bella worked quickly to do all in her power to keep him alive. _

_Bella could hear the smallest of groans leaving his mouth whenever she applied direct pressure to a wound. The noises made her hopeful. _

"_Can you tell me your name sir?" She stilled her motions, hoping the silence would allow her to hear something, anything of significance from her patient. "How about allergies; do you have any?" She was growing desperate, feeling completely helpless in the situation. "Where do you live? Do you have family nearby?" _

_Bella searched the car, hoping to find a cell phone that would display some list of contacts to identify the mystery man in the car. There was nothing though. Perhaps he kept it in his pocket. And because she didn't want to risk moving him, she wouldn't go searching._

_Another noise escaped his mouth._

"_Please talk to me. Please be ok. Please hang on. Please…please…please…" Bella felt traitor tears leak down her face. She was a professional. She should be able to keep herself more distant than this. . _

_The thing was, someone had hit him and took off. The back of his car made that clear enough. Some bastard left him for dead. How could anyone do something like that? The knowledge that someone could be so cruel made it even worse for her. _

_Bella had worked her way down towards the broken leg. It was really bad. But she couldn't do much for it, not with her limited resources. Using some of the scraps in her hand, Bella tied a tourniquet around the shattered leg. He was losing too much blood, too fast. When she tightened the cotton fabric around his femur, the man seemed to be pulled out of the hazy consciousness he was in._

"_Dead?" The voice was raspy and harsh, forced out of lungs that weren't inflating right._

"_No, not dead, not if I can help it." _

_Her fingers ghosted down to his chest, feeling the ribcage. There were definitely a few broken, and judging by the way he was breathing and the slight blue tint of his lips, he was probably suffering from pneumothorax. _

_Damn, how long had he been sitting in this car? _

_Bella took her jacket off, holding it firmly over his chest. She prayed it would be enough to help splint the fracture and get him breathing more steadily. She did not have the equipment necessary to do much else. _

_With every labored breath, Bella felt her own catch in her throat. He was struggling to hold on to life. With that thought, the tears started leaking from her eyes. She hated showing any weakness when facing a situation like this, but it couldn't be helped. Bella cried for the man in the front seat who needed care now. And she cried for herself; alone and scared._

_A slight movement drew her away from the overwhelming feeling of desperation. It was him, his arm. It twitched like he was trying to raise it. That would be a bad thing for him to do. He needed to remain immobile until help arrived. Bella turned to him, noticing one eye open, barely more than a small slit on his face. _

"_No, don't try to move. Be still. I'm here for you. I will not leave your side until help arrives. Just stay with me." She watched as the swollen lid closed, a look of what Bella hoped was relief, on the battered face. "Just stay with me."_

_The ambulance showed up on scene shortly after that. Bella sent a silent prayer of thanks at their timing. Judging by the unknown man's weak pulse and shallow breathing, medical attention of a more severe kind was needed as soon as possible. _

_EMTs rushed to her side as she backed away to allow room. They questioned Bella on what had happened. Her answers were lacking, as her knowledge of the accident was limited. She relayed all that she could and went over the injuries she was aware of. The hardest part was watching as they extracted the almost lifeless body from the car. It took several of the medically trained personnel to get him out with as little jarring as possible. Every movement made Bella cringe as she held back from trying to help. She knew it would only hinder their progress at this point._

_When the patient was securely on the stretcher and being placed inside the ambulance, Bella made to follow inside. An EMT stopped her before she could climb inside._

"_What are you doing?" His voice was clipped, annoyed that he had to take time out to talk to her._

"_I'm coming with, what does it look like?" Bella tried to maneuver her way around the man, head peeking over his shoulder to see how her patient was doing._

"_Are you family?"_

_She stopped to think for a moment. Maybe she should lie about being family. The person questioning her had not been present when she discussed coming upon the accident. He didn't know she was as clueless about the injured man as the rest of them. If she just told a tiny white lie…_

_But no, there was trouble in that. She worked at a hospital, and judging how well respected Seattle General was for their trauma unit, the ambulance would be racing towards her place of employment. If she lied, someone would find out. She would be reprimanded. Bella was too new to be getting in trouble._

_Plus, there was always the _While You Were Sleeping _factor to remember. The patient would wake up and have no clue who Bella was. Talk about awkward. Mind made up, Bella responded._

"_No, I'm not family. But I am a nurse on staff at Seattle General. Plus I'm well acquainted with this man's injuries. You could use the extra hands." _

_Bella would not allow that vehicle to go without her inside. The man bleeding there was _her_ patient. She felt a strange sense of attachment and…ownership when she looked down at the pathetic body laid out on the stretcher._

_As if he sensed her distance, the injured stranger in question began to twitch and shake while being administered to. Bella could see his eyelids flutter, trying to open. And the noises he kept making, shallow gurgles and pitiful whines, made it clear how distressed he was._

"_Listen, you can either allow me to pass or I will force myself inside. Either way is fine by me. Because I will be riding with him. And the longer you stand there with your thumb up your ass, the closer this man gets to dying. Do you want to be responsible for that?"_

_The EMT was shocked by the outburst, that much was clear by his mouth hanging open like a complete idiot. Bella had always been more…brazen…whenever provoked. Right now, the fool in a uniform was irritating the shit out of her. And now that he was just standing there, shocked, motionless, she rushed past him. _

_She went straight to the side of the man struggling to stay alive. Bella reached out to put soothing hands on his body, anywhere there was room, as one medical personnel struck the battered chest with a syringe. A sigh left the cracked and bloody lips. Bella felt herself relax in response. _

"_I told you I wouldn't leave you."_

_The doors on the ambulance shut, a driver now behind the wheel prepared to take them to the hospital. Sirens filled the air, calling out an S.O.S. into the night. They raced towards the hospital, a sense of hope lingering in the air; hope for survival._

_Once the vehicle had reached its destination, doctors and nurses came running towards them. Bella's mind was in a daze, lack of sleep and overwhelmed by emotions, finding it hard to concentrate on what was being said. All she knew, was that if she left his side, Bella would feel as if she had failed…_

"_Oh my God! It's Dr. Cullen!" A shrill feminine voice called out. Loud gasps and exclamations were shared as others took in the news._

_Dr. Cullen? As in…Carlisle Cullen? Bella had enough sense about her to know the man next to her could _not _be Dr. Carlisle Cullen. She had seen pictures. Dr. Cullen had blonde hair, and though she couldn't accurately tell because of the facial damage, was older. This man had reddish colored hair that looked almost stained from his blood. And while he looked older than Bella, the patient looked like he was probably young enough to be Dr. Cullen's son._

"_Somebody, quick, call Carlisle. He needs to be here." _

_And now Bella was even more confused. Someone just i. the victim as Carlisle. Now they wanted to call him? Hysteria was beginning to set in as Bella realized she was slowly suffering from shock._

_Too much to take in too little time._

"_What happened to him?" A man Bella didn't recognize from the mass of people surrounding her, called out in a calm, reassuring voice. She didn't respond, too lost in the confusion of bodies and machines. "What happened?"_

"_I'm not sure exactly how it happened, but I found this man unconscious in a mangled up car on Jackson."_

"_Goddamn it, Edward. You idiot." The man shook his head solemnly, as if he always knew something like this would happen._

_Edward. He had said the name Edward. Edward? The name didn't immediately register in her mind. But, if she were to rely on the fact that he was indeed a Dr. Cullen, she was staring down at the broken face of Edward Cullen._

"_He's one lucky SOB. He's alive. And I plan to keep him that way." An older man had made his way towards us, draping himself in a pale blue apron._

"_Too bad he's the one injured and not helping. We could've used his skills on a job like this." Someone else was speaking now, clucking her tongue at the disaster splayed out on the gurney._

"_We need to get him into an OR. Look at his leg, his chest. And fuck, his face looks like someone took a meat tenderizer to him." The older man was talking again. Bella didn't like him, not the way he was speaking about his patient. It sounded so cold and distant. He knew the patient and still talked that way. What was wrong with him?_

_Before Bella had a chance to fully take in everything, this man, her patient, _Edward, _was being wheeled away from her. She didn't stop to think as she began to follow the train of people rushing towards a free room._

"_Miss, I'm sorry but you can't come in here." The kind voice of the first man filtered through her ears._

"_But he needs me." Bella choked out, completely losing it by this point. "And…and...I'm a nurse." The man turned a questioning face towards her. "I work here. Please let me come with."_

"_Again, I'm sorry. Really I am. But if you work here you know protocol. Maybe you should go home and get some rest. You look like you need it." The gurney was closing in on the double doors leading towards a place Bella could not follow._

_Go home? She couldn't go home. And not just because home was in Arizona. But because her car was still parked on the side of the road. She had no way of leaving this hospital._

"_Why don't you wait with me?" A new voice reached her ears as she felt a warm, heavy hand on her shoulder. Bella turned to the sound and recognized the face of Dr. Carlisle Cullen staring down at her. "I'm going to be here all night waiting for news on my son. I could use the company."_

_My son. It should've registered sooner. Her patient, Edward, was Dr. Carlisle Cullen's son. Wow._

_Bella nodded as the sudden appearance of a world renowned doctor began to lead her away from the OR and towards the waiting room. She wondered how he could remain so calm, then realized years of handling life or death situations probably helped. Still, that was his son in there. He had to be going crazy on the inside. She was, and she hardly knew the man. _

_Before she left Edward, she felt a need to reassure him one last time, as if he could possibly hear her and be healed by words of comfort. Maybe she needed to say them for her own benefit. Because now that she was here, she was _here; _in for the long haul._ _She would not rest or leave until she knew her patient was ok and well taken care._

"_I'm sorry, I can't go in there with you. But I'll see you on the other side." Bella squeezed his arm as the doctors pushed him away from her grasp. The doors closed with a resonating thud._

"_Do you know my son well?" Dr. Cullen asked as they settled into the hard plastic chairs. Somewhere in the recesses of her mind, Bella wondered why they were allowing the previous Chief of Staff to sit in such a shitty waiting room._

"_No. Not at all." Carlisle looked taken aback by the news. "I just found him in his car. I feel responsible for his safety after how he was left for dead."_

"_Such a compassionate soul you have. Nursing is a great field for you." His mouth turned up into a hint of a smile. Even though Carlisle was probably older than her father, she felt herself flush the softest of pinks. He was incredibly attractive even at his age. And he somehow knew already what she did for a living._

"_How did you know I'm a nurse?"_

"_Stevens told me about the new transfer. He's very happy with how well you are adapting to a new hospital." The smile grew and Bella felt the urge to look away before she blushed hotter. That smile was pretty damn dangerous if it could cause such a strong reaction from a woman already in love with someone else._

"_Oh. I'm glad." She didn't know what to say in response. She was very pleased her new boss noticed all the hard work she was putting forth. She was also very pleased Carlisle Cullen noticed. He was a legend in medicine. _

"_Will you tell me what you know?" The handsome face was gone, replaced by a look of torment. _

Ah_, Bella thought, _there was the desperation_. _

_She replayed the scene, for the hundredth time, as Dr. Cullen listened on. He did not interrupt until she had reached the end of the story. He asked question after question, making Bella go back in her own mind to really think about what she had seen, felt, heard. She wished there was more to give him, say, a license plate number of the person that had hit Edward. But she had nothing._

_Then they went on to discuss what was happening with Edward at that very moment. Bella wondered why Carlisle just didn't use his power to gain access to the OR. She doubted anyone would care or try to stop him. _

"_I wish I was in there." The doctor sighed out, as if he knew what Bella had just been thinking. "Edward wouldn't want me there though." His defeated tone made Bella think Carlisle had forgotten she was still there._

"_Of course he would." Bella opted for not being invisible in the situation. "Go. At least then you will know what is going on. I'm sure Edward would want you there, will be able to _feel_ you there. That could help with how he takes to the surgery."_

_Deep blue eyes turned to stare into her own brown ones._

"_You're right. You don't know Edward at all."_

_Still, Carlisle stood up and made his way towards the doors that would take him to Edward. His face was grim and his gait stiff. Bella doubted it had anything to do with sitting in uncomfortable chairs for too long. Why was this father so hesitant to watch over his son?_

"_Dr. Cullen?" Footsteps came to a halt as Carlisle turned to look back at Bella. "Will you please keep me posted? I feel..strangely protective of him." She blushed at admitting that fact._

"_Maybe you should go home Bella."_

"_I'd rather wait. Please." The hard look on the doctor's face softened as he nodded in approval. "Thank you." She settled into her chair, trying to find a comfortable position. Though she doubted sleep would come easily, eventually her mind slowed and she drifted off._

"_Bella." A hand was shaking her. "Bella, wake up." The hand was more forceful as Bella worked to open heavy lids. "He's made it through. They've moved him to the ICU."_

_She was so relieved, so happy at the news. Though far from over, Bella felt the worst of things were behind her…and hopefully for Edward as well. For the first time all night, Bella felt happy enough to smile._

"I think you know the rest." Bella turned at the waist, vertebrae popping as she cracked her back. The sound broke me out of my reverie. It was almost trance like listening to her talk.

Both of us were silent as I digested all the information Bella had given me. She hadn't been present for my surgeries, hadn't been allowed. But she stayed. I felt my pulse quicken at the thought. She was amazing and she didn't even know it. Bella was kind, patient, compassionate, and a whole slew of other positive adjectives. How else could she have put up with me for so long? Carlisle had been dead on in his assessment.

Carlisle. That was another story. I hadn't realized he sat in on my surgeries. The news shocked me. My chest felt tight, almost painful, and I didn't really know why. Probably from anger though. Knowing Carlisle he went in to merely observe me like a rat in a lab. Bella had spun the tale to paint him in a good light. I knew better though.

"Thank you for telling me all of that." I broke the silence, eager to hear her talk again, though about happier things now.

"Of course." She smiled at me, though I could see sadness in the curve of her lips.

"It was hard on you, wasn't it?" I watched for her initial facial response, so much more telling than anything that came out of her mouth. Her eyebrows furrowed minutely, lips pursing in thought, before smoothing her features.

"I won't lie, it was. Seeing you like that, trying to help you, was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do."

_Yeah, but _the hardest thing_ you'll have to do in the future is my cock._

I wanted to groan at how fucked up my mind was. Did I really just think that? Bella was sitting next to me, confessing how awful that night had been, and all I can think about is my cock and…

That train of thought had to end.

"And I'm sure me being a douche afterwards didn't help at all." Bella let out a small giggle.

"I'll just have to get you back later." Her smile this time looked almost wicked.

_And I'll have to get you _on _your back later, sweet Strawberry._

"I'm really glad you stayed. Not just that first night, but even after I fucked up. It means a lot. You're the only person that works here that I actually like talking to."

"Oh." I watched in amazement as my pretty little Nurse blushed strawberries and looked down at the floor. Did she like hearing me say that? Or did I embarrass her? I didn't realize my comment was anything out of the ordinary, but apparently it had some kind of strong effect on Bella Shortcake. "Thanks Edward. I really enjoy talking to you too."

Bella lifted her gaze to mine while her head was still tilted down, effectively looking up at me through her lashes. Fuck that was hot. I really wanted her to do that while she was on her knees in front of me, taking my cock in her mouth.

"So you feel protective of me, huh?" I had paid particular attention to that part of Bella's story. I enjoyed hearing those words come out of her mouth.

"I suppose I do." Bella let out a nervous giggle, getting redder by the second.

"Why?" I needed to hear more. "I mean, clearly I offended you after I came out of my coma. By that point you had already done everything in your power to help me. You didn't have to come back. Why did you do it?"

Nurse Shortcake was all blushes and fluttering lashes as she looked anywhere but at me. Now I had definitely made her nervous. But I wanted to know. There was something that made her come back. What was it?

"Um…"

"Bella, won't you tell me?" I forced my face to comply and smile for her. Unfortunately the sharp sting in my cheek made me grimace at her. I must have looked like a complete jackass because I heard soft laughter.

"I can't really explain it Edward. I just feel very compelled to be here for you. I know you're on the mend, but what would you do without me? Hospital life would get very boring, don't you think?"

It would be boring without her, that much was true. But it still didn't explain why she accepted my apology

"C'mon, you gotta give me more than that." Not one to quit, I tried to smile again. This time I think I managed to pull it off because I heard Bella suck in a quick breath.

"Uh, well, um." She was flustered. Always a good thing. My smile was coming back to me.

_About fucking time. _

"Yes?" I was loving this shit.

"You looked so helpless in that car." She finally looked me in the eye. "When I found you, I felt so disconnected from my surroundings. Seeing you there, lifeless and alone, I just felt some kind of twisted connection to you. Almost as if, saving you would help me find myself. She looked away again, probably afraid to see my reaction. "I know it sounds stupid. But I'm all alone right now. My work is my life, it's all that I have right now. And since the night of your accident, you have occupied the majority of that time." There was a long pause before she started up again. "When you accosted me, even then I still felt like I needed to be there for you. Like it was my duty to see things through till the end. I believe there's good in everybody. Even you Edward."

"Bella," I hedged. I needed to diffuse the weird tension in the room. "Are you saying I'm your life now?" Bella rolled her eyes at me. I breathed easy knowing she could tell I was joking. I was trying to deflect because I didn't really know how to respond to her statement.

Her words struck me hard. They made me uncomfortable, but not because she felt that way. I felt uncomfortable because of how her words made me feel. I didn't recognize what I was feeling. Empathy? Sadness? What? What was going on with me?

I knew I wanted Bella Shortcake in a sexual way, my body's natural response to her made that painfully obvious. But outside of my physical desire for her, what else was there? Was I really going this far to coax her into bed with me the moment I was free from my hospital bed prison?

Maybe it was simply because I was forced to interact. While I could choose to ignore the other stupid bitches that came in to take care of me, I had consciously put forth the effort to make amends with Bella. Now I was simply reaping what I sowed. So, what…it was obligation?

_You fucking moron. If that was all there was to it, you could've dropped her like a bad habit after apologizing. You didn't need to keep kissing her ass in hopes of kissing other parts of her body._

_Right…but bad habits are hard to break. Remember the no swearing thing? You expect me to "quit" Bella easily? _

I wanted to scream. My mind was a fucking torrential storm raging in my head. All of this frustration over a girl. What the fuck was my life coming to?

Once again, it was quiet as hell in my room. I was too busy trying to run through what Bella had said and deciphering the complete mindfuck of it all. Bella could be off in la-la land for all I knew. Or she could be waiting for me to say something. Maybe she was thinking about her oh-so-handsome boyfriend Jake. What the fuck ever.

_Wait a minute._

I finally latched onto something I could handle. Bella had told me previously about how attractive her boyfriend was. If I recalled correctly, she told me I couldn't look better than him or I'd be a fucking chick.

_So if she has such a hot boyfriend, why is she alone here?_

"Bella, where…"

"Edward, can…" We started at the same time, which caused a fresh round of adorable giggles from Bella.

"You go ahead." I nodded at her, wondering what she was about to say. I'd ask about this infamous boyfriend later.

"Thanks." She cleared her throat, as if bracing herself for something big. "Do you mind if I ask you something now?"

I thought about her request. Questions could lead to trouble, though based on how little my Shortcake really knew about not only Seattle but the people that lived here, I doubted it would be anything too bad. Besides, she had been an awfully good sport, from the very beginning of our acquaintance; being a quiet little Strawberry, staying on as my favorite nurse, telling me her story. I guess she deserved it. I'd throw her a fucking bone. How bad could it be, right?

"Sure, go ahead." Her answering smile made me want to do the same. _Fucking beautiful smile_…

"Well," she stopped to chew on her bottom lip, such an innocently sexy thing to do. Though I knew it was because she was nervous, not trying to seduce me. "I was wondering, if you wouldn't mind, do you think you could maybe…"

"Bella, spit it out."

She was being so fucking adorable in her awkwardness. The sight of her fidgeting made me wonder how she'd react when I got to see her completely naked. Would she fidget just like that when I stared at her tits? Her pussy? All blood seemed to be rushing down to my cock as I envisioned Bella naked for the first time.

"What's going on between you and your father?"

The blood that had been previously coursing down towards my dick had stopped. I was pretty sure it had just frozen in my body. Or maybe drained out of me completely, getting soaked up by my sheets. Because I felt a chill pass through me that no warm blooded creature should experience.

"What?" The words seethed out between my clenched teeth.

"I noticed a lot of animosity there. Why don't the two of you get along?"

_Fuck, I guess her question _could _be that bad. Goddamn it._

**so...again i'm sorry it took forever to get this out. let's hope i'm not a complete fucktard and get my act together with updating. at least this one was a long'n. right?  
the flashback: clearly it was third person pov. i'm sorry if it was confusing or didn't flow that well. using all dialogue between e and b was just too monotonous. and doing it all in BPOV was not an option. sorry. hopefully it came out all right in the end. let me know  
**

* * *


	7. Push It

**disclaimer: stephAnie, not stephEnie. not mine.  
****a/n: an update after only two weeks? has hell frozen over? thanks to twilighter620 and mskathy for reading portions of this to let me know if my sense of humor is too reminiscent of a 13 yo boy. and of course to my lovely beta arra584 for workin this over despite working sucky shifts and having her sleep schedule all messed up. **

**Chapter Title: "Push It" by Salt n Peppa. And no, the song content has nothing to do with chapter content. But I am now thinking about that one Nextel commercial with this song. So of course I'm giggling over here.  
****Chapter songs:  
**"**You Wouldn't Like Me" by Tegan and Sara  
**"**Bitches Ain't Shit" by Dr. Dre, as performed by Ben Folds *giggles*  
**"**Roses" by Outkast **

* * *

"_I noticed a lot of animosity there. Why don't the two of you get along?"_

"I don't know what you're talking about Bella." _Please little Nurse, do not push this subject right now._

"You expect me to honestly believe that, Edward?"

_Yes. Leave it alone. _

"I do. Because it's the truth." Right, because that was in fact the exact opposite of the truth. Of course, I was lying. Who was this girl that she thought I would just tell her whatever the fuck she wanted to know?

Still, I was trying to maintain a good attitude, or at least, the best allowed while I was fuming on the inside. If I got all agitated and shit by her questioning, she'd never drop it.

"You're an awful liar, anyone ever tell you that?" Her eyes narrowed dangerously and I was taken aback by the fierceness there.

"Actually, no. I've never been told that. I'm an excellent liar." _Right, that's such a great thing to brag about. Fucking moron._

"Why won't you tell me?" The anger left her eyes to be replaced by disappointment. I'm sure after all our time spent together she was hoping I'd be more open with her.

_Fat fucking chance, beautiful._

"Listen, as much as you may think I owe you an answer, I don't. You're asking some very personal shit right now. Can't you just accept that every family has its problems and move on?"

"No."

_Of course not__,__ you stubborn thing._

"Well then, I hope you enjoy disappointment."

Bella's facial expression changed in a flash. Her lips parted slightly, but not out of excitement. She was pissed and probably resisting the urge to say something to me. Those big, brown, beautiful eyes glared over at me and I swear to fucking God her nostrils flared in frustration.

_If looks could kill…_

"Hey, you guys!" The unmistakable voice boomed, drawing out the last word in uncanny likeness to the character being imitated.

"Emmett." I muttered the name under my breath as the door opened wide to accommodate the hulking mass that was my brother.

Bella was startled by the noise, lost in our bizarre stare-off. She jumped and seemed to jerk away from me as if electrocuted.

_What the fuck?_

"I should be going." Shortcake's eyes darted around the room, ready to make a quick getaway. I was, again, really fucking confused by her reaction.

Why was she in such a hurry to get out of here?

I turned my attention to Emmett, Bella clearly not saying another word as she all but scurried towards the door.

"Can you please quit with the Sloth quotes? It's driving me up the fucking wall."

Ever since my accident, Emmett had been yelling that phrase at the top of his lungs, over and over again, whenever he saw me. When I asked him about it, he told me that my face had been so fucked up from my accident I looked like that retard from _The Goonies_. Emmett was a bastard.

"First, you gotta do the truffle shuffle." I groaned loudly when it became clear Emmett was not done with this stupid, poor attempt at humor.

"Oh really? You expect that when I can't fucking walk, dumbass? Go to hell." I let my eyes go back towards Bella. Her hand was on the handle, twisting and pulling to her freedom.

_Maybe she sensed idiocy was at the door and that's why she left. I know I would if I could._

"Goonies never say die!" Was all I got out of Emmett.

"Jesus, Em." And out went my tart Strawberry, leaving the door to close itself behind her.

Emmett was just in the process of opening his mouth to respond with something equally as stupid when I heard a soft gasp of surprise from just outside my door.

"Hey! I know you!" That voice, that fucking sultry voice…I would recognize it anywhere.

_Fucking Rosalie._

"It just keeps on getting better." Now I was glad my legs didn't work. I wish my ears didn't work either though. And if I had to even _see_ that bitch, I would definitely be looking for something to bash my head against to knock me the fuck out. "Why'd you bring her with you Em? More importantly, what did you have to bribe her with to come?"

"Let's just say her _coming _has everything to do with it…if you know what I mean." Emmett made a move to nudge my side, but one look from me and he stopped. I was still healing after all. I didn't need an elbow in ribs that were still mending.

Unfortunately, for all parties involved, I _did _know what Emmett meant. All too well. And repeatedly. The thought made me nauseous.

"It's Isabella, Bella Swan, right?" The voice of Satan herself spoke out again.

"That's right." I could hear the uncertainty in Bella's statement, almost a question by her inflection. "Wait a minute…oh my God…_Rosalie. _Rosie Hale?"

_The fuck?_

_Shortcake knows Satan?_

_$*#$&^#$%_

"Yes!" The Devil let out a sound I'd never known her capable of: genuine laughter. "God, how long has it been?"

The door closed at that moment, keeping me from the answer to that question.

_Yes__,__ Bella Shortcake, how long _has _it been? More importantly, how the fuck do you even _know _her? An innocent little thing like you has no place in hell._

"So anyway…" Emmett was clearly oblivious to my wide-eyed stare at the door. The one time I actually want Rosalie around, well except for back when…and she was on the other side of a closed door. Timing sucked ass.

"Aren't you the least bit curious how in the hell Bella knows Rosalie?" That big mug frowned at my use of his fiancée's full name.

Everyone called her Rose, or Rosie if she could get away with it, now. Though when I knew her she preferred Rosalie, said it sounded _vintage _or some shit. Apparently now it just sounded old, because she was going by her shortened name again. Of course, I continued to call her by her full given name, when I wasn't referring to her as Lucifer. Anything to piss the bitch off was good by me.

"Ooh, on first name basis with the help are you?"

Emmett was kind of like me in this one aspect, thinking of hospital staff as hired help. I blamed Carlisle and all the nurses and shit that sucked up to him. They did his every bidding, even without being asked. He totally ate up that kind of attention too. Emmett and I just kind of picked up on the attitude that emanated from Carlisle's smug face.

But it wasn't the same with Nurse Shortcake. She wasn't my maid. _Though I wouldn't say no to her in a maid outfit. Fucking hot._

"She's not _the help__,_Emmett. She's a nurse for fuck's sake."

"You don't say." He was giving me some weird look, like he was thinking too hard…or maybe constipated.

"What?"

"Nothing." Emmett looked away too quickly, trying to hide the smirk on his face. The bastard. What was he thinking?

"It doesn't look like nothing." The fingers of my right hand started twitching with the urge to ball into a tight fist. Emmett got under my skin so fucking easily.

"Well, I was just thinking how weird it is that you seem to like…"

"Dick!" Rosalie shouted out the word, effectively keeping Emmett's thought from me.

"Hello, Satan." I turned to look at the blonde bombshell that was now storming over towards where Emmett was standing, right beside my bed.

I was shocked when I heard Emmett start to laugh. He absolutely hated when Rosalie and I fought. His fiancée hated it even more, or at least hated when I talked shit about her. In her opinion, Rosalie was the quintessential perfect woman. _Riiight._

"Oh shit," Emmett stopped to take a breath between his guffaws. "That's so fucking funny."

"What?" Rosalie and I asked in unison.

"When you interrupted," he turned to look at Rosalie now, "it sounded like…made it seem like…Edward likes dick!" Emmett was now doubled over.

"Jesus Christ, Em, why the fuck are you even here? Get out." I was not up for this shit. And the demonic presence nearby only served to heighten my level off annoyance.

"You're so damn pissy, Ed. I think you need to get laid, man." I rolled my eyes, still feeling slightly awkward because of, well, ya know, even after all these years.

"And you're so damn stupid. I'm not getting any for awhile, not like this anyway."

Voicing that truth out loud made me bitter. I already had a strong…sexual appetite. With Nurse Shortcake strutting her understated sexy self around the damn place, well, let's just say I've been hornier than I can ever remember being. It was made even worse by the knowledge that Bella had a boyfriend. She didn't seem the type to cheat either, too bad for me.

"Fine, dude, whatever. I only came by to see how you were doing. My bad." Emmett turned to grab hold of Rosalie's blood red talons. "Come on, baby."

"You go ahead, pumpkin." Fuck that nickname was disgusting. "I'll be right there."

"Everything ok?" I watched as Emmett quirked up an eyebrow.

That thing looked like some burly ass caterpillar on his face. Dude needed to learn a thing or two about manscaping. I was no homo, but I learned awhile back that chicks were not fans of unibrows. Though they also didn't appreciate guys who had better eyebrows than they did.

"Of course, babes, I just wanted to catch up with Eddie." The slow smile curling on her lips made me want to throw up in my mouth.

_And she just called me Eddie. I can't stand this woman._

"Are you feeling ok?"

"I don't fucking think so." My words twisted together with Emmett's as we both said the first things that came to mind.

"Don't worry, it'll only take a minute." I swear little red horns sprouted from her head…No good would come of her staying to talk to me. Fuck if I wasn't exasperated over the lack of leg use right now. No luck with a quick getaway.

"That's what she said." Emmett started laughing, only now he sounded like a giggling girl.

"Christ, Emmett, grow the fuck up." Though, if there were different people involved, I probably would've said the same thing.

_Different though. Because with me? Fuck, it always takes longer than a minute. _

Somehow my mind took me to thoughts of Nurse Shortcake, wearing one of those old school white uniforms, skirt hiked up around her hips while I fucked her from behind. She was sweaty and weak from how hard I pounded into her, arms tired out from holding herself up for so long.

_A lot fucking longer than one goddamn minute._

"Hey, dick cheese, over here." Rosalie started snapping at me.

_What the fuck is with the snapping? I hate that shit. _

"What do you want, crotch rot?" Talking to her was worse than when Carlisle came in to bug the shit out of me.

"I know Bella."

I lay there, just waiting for the rest of the statement to come. But nothing. Rosalie just stood there and glared at me. Was she planning on taking that anywhere else?

"And your point being? You want a cookie or something? Oh, no, probably not because then you'd just have to throw it up later. Congrats, you know Bella." Jesus, I was surrounded by imbeciles.

"Shut the fuck up, pencil dick."

_Pencil dick? _Swallowing down the rage, I kept my voice as calm and even as possible.

"Please. You know that isn't true at all. Don't act like you're not still impressed with my cock. You told me so yourself. In fact, if memory serves, it is 'the biggest I've ever seen'."

I even used air quotes for that shit. Because, when it came to my cock, I was not about to let her insult it. It's not that I was _defensive _because that seemed to imply some sort of truth behind her words. I just had a kind of sense of pride over my dick. Nobody talked shit about it.

"That was before Emmett. He's got mutant dick. You should see how hung he is."

Jesus-fucking-Christ, this conversation was getting wildly inappropriate. There was no way I needed to hear about Emmett, even if I have seen him naked. Fucking sick and disturbing.

"As much as I'd love to hear you compare dick size in the family," Rose had the decency to blush at my comment, though the effect wasn't sexy like it was on Bella, "I'd much rather prefer you telling me what the fuck is going on so you can leave."

"Stay the fuck away from her."

_Ah, now we're getting somewhere._

My reaction to her words must've given something away because Rosalie narrowed her eyes at me, effectively transforming her from Satan into Medusa. I half-expected snakes to rise up from her hair and turn me to stone.

"You don't think that's a little hard considering I'm bed ridden and she's my nurse?" Because I mean really, where the hell was I supposed to go? And just who did this devil woman think she was ordering me around?

"She doesn't have to be."

I wondered what Bella told Rosalie outside my room. Would she have told Rosalie how I acted like the world's biggest prick? Was there even enough time for them to discuss that?

_Jesus Christ, Rosalie didn't tell Bella anything, did she?_

"If she wants to be my goddamn nurse, she'll be my goddamn nurse. Why are you so fucking concerned anyway?"

"Because, ass clown, I know how you are." Rosalie moved closer to me and I was sickened by the overly sweet scent of her perfume. "You want to sleep with her."

"Again, does it look like I'm capable of anything like that right now?" I was suddenly overwhelmed by her proximity, by this whole entire shitty conversation. She had to know how uncomfortable this was. Was she trying to prove a point or something?

"You won't be like this forever Edward."

"Thank fuck for that." Rosalie sneered at me, and I was suddenly, kind of scared. This bitch was crazy. Who knew what she was capable of at the moment?

"My point exactly. She's not your type."

"And what exactly is my type?" This would be interesting. Rosalie would have to be very careful how she answered because anything she said held a certain implication about her character.

"Bella is not the _fuck buddy _type. You know, the kind you use up and throw away when you're bored."

_Fuck. Not this. Not now._

"I don't know what you're trying to imply here." _Liar. _I totally knew what she was getting at. "But just because you seem to have some _issues,_" _issues that never got resolved,_ "doesn't mean you have to talk shit about me."

"Edward," Rosalie started, looking unbelievably sad. "You know as well as I do that we never really had the chance to…_talk_ because of…"

"Baby, you done? I've got a promise to keep." Emmett interrupted, sticking his head back through the door.

"Definitely, let's get out of here." Rosalie made her way to a now Emmett-less door. She turned and looked at me one last time, shooting daggers my way. "Just don't do it."

_Okay? God that was just bizarre._

I spent the rest of the day in one fucking foul mood. I was pissed that Bella and I had ended our time together in such a shitty way. And I was extremely bothered by my conversation with Rosalie and our almost confrontation.

Every word out of her mouth had been true, as much as I hated to admit it. We never did get to resolve any issues surrounding our, for lack of a better word, relationship. Partly due to avoidance, partly as a result of her meeting my brother. Either way, I was left with a sour taste in my mouth over the whole thing; more so than right after it ended.

Plus, the knowledge that Rosalie knew…knows…Shortcake scared the bejesus out of me. At any point in time, Rosalie could bust this wide open, let the shit hit the fan, expose my dirty laundry…

_We get it. She could tell Bella you are a dirty sex fiend bastard. Don't you think Bella would find out eventually anyway?_

_Not if I can help it._

There was also the huge ass problem of Bella's relationship status. Bella was taken. By an apparently very attractive man by the name of Jake. There was no way, healed face or not, such a sweet girl would cheat on her boyfriend. My Nurse wasn't like that, which was too damn bad. So where did that leave me?

The only way to get in her pants was to woo the fuck out of her…or woo my cock inside her. That meant somehow causing a split in a relationship that, from the sounds of it, could be really serious.

_But there's still that one important fact…she's here and he's not. How serious can it be?_

I needed to find out. I would ask Bella first thing tomorrow.

_And what will you do with that knowledge?_

Was it really worth it? I had no doubt in my mind she'd be a good lay, but I could score that anywhere. Why put forth so much effort just for sex? _Just sex or amazing mind blowing fuck session?. _Because, let's face it, Rosalie had a point. I _was _just interested in a fuck buddy. Once I had my fill of her I'd be done. That would not go over well if I had to see her frequently at the hospital.

Plus, and knock on wood here, there was always the slim possibility that I _didn't _get to feel how tight and warm her sweet pussy was. That I wouldn't get the chance to find out if she was bare or neatly trimmed…or how wet I could get her. _Stay on track Cullen. _So all my hard work would be for nothing.

I'd already lost one thing I put time, money, and energy into. My car. I don't know if I could stand to waste my efforts like that again.

_You know what the solution is, right?_

I had to let go of my naughty nurse fantasy, and fast. Nurse Shortcake was not worth it. Fuck, _nobody _was worth that hassle. She would simply be around for something nice to look at, nothing more. If the opportunity presented itself, sure I'd jump on it. But I would _not_ be trying hard anymore.

I was over it, over _Bella. _I didn't need her or her sweet strawberry anymore.

--

The rest of the day, into the next morning, every person that walked in my door pissed me right the fuck off. I didn't know exactly why I was in such a foul mood, only that the littlest things were setting me off. Apparently, my bad attitude was affecting the hospital staff because Elizabeth decided to pay me a little visit.

"Knock it off, Cullen Jr. You're driving everyone crazy." Her hands were on her hips and I almost laughed at how completely matronly she looked at the moment. If I laughed though, she'd probably find something to hit me with.

"What am I doing?"

"Being an even bigger pain in the ass than normal." Elizabeth smiled in spite of her chastising.

"I didn't think that was even possible." I couldn't hold back the small chuckle at Elizabeth's reaction.

"Me either." She shook her head, hands falling away from her hips. "You were being almost _decent _to the nurses for awhile there. What's going on that made you revert to normal Cullen Jr. behavior?"

I hadn't really noticed my behavior shift. In fact, it was a complete shock to hear Elizabeth say I was treating my nurses well, or as well as can be expected. The only reason I could come up with was that all of my attention was focused on Nurse Shortcake and how best to get her naked and under me. There was little left inside of me to use as an attitude buffer against everyone else. I couldn't tell Elizabeth that though.

"Do I need an excuse to be an asshole?" My door opened as I asked. It was too early for Shortcake so I had no idea who it could be.

"Most people would think so, but in your case, no. Asshole is just your expertise." James strode over to me, a stupid smirk on his face from the joke he thought he just made.

I glared at him but Elizabeth continued as if there had been no interruption.

"Maybe the real question is what made you start acting half-way civilized to us lowly nurses." My gaze shifted to a woman I _thought _I liked. She was starting to grate on my nerves, pushing the issue as if there was even anything to discuss. "Could this have anything to do with Bella?"

"Bella?" James was now looking at Elizabeth in a way that made me feel uncomfortable. Like they were exchanging words through their glances.

"What?"

"I like Bella. She's a nice girl."

"How do you know her? You haven't been around in for-fucking-ever." I was a little mad that James was just now coming around to visit me. We weren't really friends or anything, it's just he was tolerable to talk to. Well, until now that is.

James called her _nice. _Did he mean more by that? Could he possibly want a piece of _my_ Shortcake?

"I've been on vacation, stupid. But just for your information, I was around. You were just unconscious when I was." Oh right, coma. "And I met Bella the night of your accident, though very briefly."

Brief was good. The less time he spent with Bella, the better. Less chance of him deciding to try chasing after her like I was.

I thought back to Bella's story of that night. She had only mentioned a few people, and none by name as she was so new to the hospital. I wondered what part James played in her story. Knowing him, he was probably the one that first approached her. James was, after all, the "nice" one.

_Sometimes too nice. _

"Bella's such a sweet girl. I can only hope she's rubbing off on you."

_Oh I want her rubbing herself off on me too…_

I chanced a look up at James. His mouth was pulled down in a slight frown, as if he could read my mind. I spent so much time with the fucker, he probably could. That just meant I'd have to be careful about what I said and did in relation to my Nurse.

_You're giving that up, remember?_

Still, he'd take anything I did the wrong way.

The two of them chatted for a few more minutes while I pretended to listen. Honestly, they could have said anything and I would have nodded in agreement. Luckily they left shortly afterwards, not noticing my absence in their conversation.

I was far more worried with how I would handle having such a strong temptation near me in a few short hours. Bella had this understated beauty that was almost alarming. She had that perfect mixture of cute and sexy that seemed to elude most of the female population. Goddamn if I didn't want to find out what side of her came out in bed. But I didn't want to waste any more time with something that could quite possibly be a lost cause.

So did I just ignore her again? Could I even do that? I didn't think so. Bella was so very hard to ignore. Maybe I could go back to being a complete asshole to her. That had definite possibilities. Because if I treated her like shit, she would pull away from me. There would be no more chatting, no more questions, and definitely no chance in hell of fucking her.

The rest of my morning was centered on talking myself up to the challenge of treating Bella like shit. The idea of making her cry made me sour, which made my attitude even worse. In turn, I was treating everyone horribly. It was a convenient downward spiral. I was in the perfect state of mind for being the biggest douche I could be, otherwise known as my normal charming self.

My door opened, right on time, and let the sweet scent of strawberries reach my nose. Those so-well-worn-they-were-almost-cream white Chucks made an appearance. I let my eyes travel up her legs, over her midsection, and to her chest. Her top looked too big, the V of her scrub top hanging down lower than normal. If she leaned down I'd get a great view of her cleavage. Trying to rid myself of that thought, I moved up to her face. But that proved to be a bad idea.

Little Miss Shortcake had her hair up, showing off her slender neck. Her cheeks were flushed a beautiful strawberry color and her eyes were bright, lit up by some positive emotion. But her smile, those full pouty lips pulled up at the corners showing off her teeth, got to me the most. She was the picture of happiness and I loved seeing her that way. Too often she came in tired, defeated or withdrawn. This was the perfect look for her.

And like a jackass, I was about to ruin it.

"Hi, Edward!" She was so enthusiastic and I wondered at the reasoning behind it.

Our eyes met as she came towards me and her smile grew even bigger. I wanted to smile back but was left dumb at her mere presence. She was beautiful, too fucking beautiful. I felt like that smile was just for me.

"Hi, Bella." It was all I could squeak out. This woman worked some kind of fucking voodoo on me because I never got this way around the ladies.

"I hope you're having a good day." She was at my bedside now, wrapping the bp cuff around my arm. The feel of her fingers on my bare skin caused a shockwave to course through my body.

There was no way I could keep it from reacting to her. My body wanted her and there really was no denying it. But I would be lying to myself if I said it was purely physical, because I reacted before she was even near enough to touch. There was something about her that simultaneously excited and calmed me.

_I think I _care _for her._

_Jesus-fucking-Christ._

"I am now, Shortcake."

And just like that my resolve to be the biggest asshole Bella had ever seen disappeared.

"Shortcake?"

_Shit._

* * *

**so...i know we didn't really get the two answers we were hoping for but...still there were important things going on. did you catch 'em?  
also, idk how many of you pay attention to the "playlist" i provide at the beginning of each chapter, but i'm always up for hearing your ideas on songs that you think go along with this story.  
and, in case you didn't know, there's a thread for this story over at twilighted. link is in my profile. come play if you'd like :) **


	8. Fidelity

**disclaimer: stephAnie not stephEnie. i just like messin around with mcdouchey and nurse shortcake**

**a/n: thank you to all who alerted/reviewed. while i don't always have time to reply (i'm trying to, i swear) i do read them all. and love them. even the ones that tell me what they don't like bc it helps me improve my writing.  
****big thanks to arra584 for beta'ing and discussing all things taita with me on gchat. she knows all my secrets. like why bella's so happy...just wtf is goin on with carlisle and edward...  
****and as an fyi, edward's opinions are not my own. so if you find something offensive, blame him. he can take it. also, many seemed to think that james was a rather nefarious, potentially, character. he's not. edward is just super paranoid. james is akin to wilson from house, at least in my eyes.  
italic portion is flashback, epov as it should be. none of that crazy third person **

**chapter title: Fidelity by regina spektor**** (lyrics don't apply to chapter)  
****chapter songs:  
****On the passing of fairytale heroes by halfway home  
****Millstone by brand new  
****Jamestown by the movie life  
****Grand theft autumn by fall out boy**

* * *

**Previously...**

"_Shortcake?"_

_Shit._

"You seem like you're in a good mood." I was hoping to change the subject, since this time around Bella picked up on my little nickname for her.

"I was. But now I'm just confused. Did you just call me Shortcake?"

"What's got you in such a good mood, Bella?"

_Take the bait; change topics please._

"Don't you mean _Shortcake?_"

"Uh…no?"

"Is that a question?" Why did she keep pestering?

"Yes? I mean no." I was rapidly losing control of the situation, if I even had any to begin with.

"Edward, what's with the Shortcake thing?"

"It's nothing, stupid really."

I couldn't look at her and think coherently at the moment. Realizing I liked Bella was fucking with my mind. Because that hadn't happened for awhile, especially before even getting the chance to sleep with the girl.

_This girl works serious voodoo on me._

"Won't you tell me?"

Then my sweet little Nurse did something very naughty. She leaned forward, bringing her tits closer to my eye level. I could see a hint of what I hoped was her bra, all lacy and pink, from where her top gaped open a bit. I think her tits hypnotized me because I blurted out the first thing that came to mind.

"You smell like Strawberry Shortcake." If my face hadn't been covered with bandages, I'm pretty sure she'd have seen me blush.

_What the fuck? I never blush._

"Strawberry shortcake? Like the dessert?" Bella's face was the color of, well strawberries, as she stood up straight from surprise.

"Or the doll," I muttered, at a complete loss as to why I was being so honest.

"What?!" Now I was just fucking amazed as I watched her beautiful blush spread down her face to her neck. I wanted her to lean over again so I could see how far down that color went.

"You know, the doll, Strawberry Shortcake." Her reactions were only encouraging me now. "Or are you too young to know who that is?"

"I'm not that young."

And there was that adorable fierceness, defensive over her age. It was too hard to resist getting her all riled up.

"You sure about that? I think that was a bit before your time."

"For your information, they are still producing Strawberry Shortcake dolls and accessories. Walk down any toy aisle and you'll see for yourself."

"Is that so?" Bella was currently preoccupied with proving how _not _young she was. I wondered how long until she switched gears and questioned me some more on the nickname.

"Yup. So you see, I know _all _about Strawberry Shortcake." Her gaze was off to the side, seemingly lost in thought. "Though I never really thought the doll smelled anything like real strawberries."

"True. You smell _so _much better than that piece of plastic."

"I do?"

_Shit, did I say that out loud? Fucking voodoo._

"Uh huh," was all I could manage.

"Well, thank you I guess." She was back to blushing, which meant I was back to staring.

_Fucking love that blush._

"How do you know what I smell like?" Her words caught me off guard, my mind going back to wondering just what other body parts flushed like her cheeks did.

Was she fucking kidding me? I eyed her with what would have been a shocked expression on my face, had I not been all covered up. She kept on staring at me, big, doe eyes that made her look so young. This girl really had no idea?

"Bella, I smelled you the minute you walked in, the very first day you were my nurse."

I watched as she tried to inconspicuously sniff at her underarms. Then she lifted a hand to her hair, bringing a strand close to her nose in what she probably hoped was nonchalance.

Did she think it was a _bad _thing? I had just told her how _good _she smelled and now she was afraid it was B.O.? I laughed out loud at the thought.

"What's so funny?"

"Did you know that first day, when you brought me dinner, I thought there were strawberries included in the meal. That's how much you smell like them."

"Ok…"

"Bella, strawberries are my favorite fruit."

"Oh. So it's a good thing then?" Before I could answer, Shortcake began talking again. "Because, I mean, I know I use a lot of strawberry scented products. It's my favorite fruit too." She stopped to smile at me before continuing. "Renee got me this bath set from a boutique in Arizona. I use the body wash everyday and their body butter is to _die _for."

I loved when she got to her ranting.

_Did she just say body _butter?

Somewhat disturbing images of me licking butter of Bella's stomach flooded my brain.

_Butter? Really? Let's replace that image with whipped cream. Every good piece of strawberry shortcake deserves cream after all._

"I was afraid that maybe it was too much." I looked up, having gotten lost in my thoughts, to see Bella holding a tube of what seemed to be some type of lip balm.

"Huh?" God I sounded like a retard when I let myself get all caught up in thoughts of Bella.

_Guess I deserve Emmett's Sloth impersonation now._

"Well, I kinda have OCD about my lips." Yeah I could see that. I had it too. Every time she bit them I wanted to as well. "I hate chapped lips. So I always carry something around to keep them soft." I wanted to kiss her lips until they were chapped, have her suck my dick until they were so red she would never need lipstick again. "And because strawberry is my favorite…" She held out the tube.

Strawberry, of course.

"It's not too much. Again, I think you smell fantastic."

"How long have you been calling me that?"

_Er…do I admit that?_

"Awhile."

Bella smiled at me then, flushed and happy.

"I like it. No one's ever given me a nickname before."

Really? I was no expert on dating, but I thought that's something boyfriends and girlfriends did.

"Not even Jake?" I hated the tool. I didn't even know him, but that didn't erase the fact that he was a total tool.

"Well, he calls me Bells. But that's kind of…"

"Unoriginal?" I finished for her.

Her answering smile was sheepish. "Yeah."

"I'm glad I could come up with something then." Nicknames were not the only thing I came _up _with. She'd find that out later though.

My Shortcake looked down at her watch.

"Oh! I've been in here chatting too long. I need to check on my other patients."

I hated that Bella had to actually work when she was on duty. I wanted to keep her all to myself.

_You never were good at sharing, were you?_

_Nope._

"You good?" she questioned as she made her way towards my door.

"I suppose so." I huffed out the words. My eyes must have looked pained because Bella stopped.

"Are you sure? If you need me to stay…"

"No, no. I'm fine." I left it at that, not wanting to explain how I _wanted _her to stay even thought I didn't _need _her to. I was trying not to be too selfish.

"Ok, I'll see you later." She gave me a small wave, fingers fluttering at me, and was gone.

Mom came by shortly after. As per the newly agreed-upon arrangement, she bathed me. She did most of the talking, I, the listening. Her presence was always soothing to me. But when she mentioned Carlisle, I felt a renewed tension in my body.

"I'll be glad when you get released, honey." _Yeah, tell me about it. _"What with all of your injuries keeping you here and your father coming in so often to check on you, I feel as if half of my family is missing."

"What?"

_Huh? What the fuck was she talking about?_

"I hope you're not getting sick of all his visits." She tried to laugh as if what she said was some sort of joke, even though she knew if I had to see Carlisle that often I _would _get sick of him. But I _wasn't _seeing him, at least not often enough for Mom to get that bent out of shape with missing him.

"I hardly even see him once a day, Mom."

"Really?" Apparently that was news to her. "But he says he goes to see you."

"All I know is, he's not here, at least in my room. If he's coming to the hospital, it's not about me."

Mom had a pained expression on her face.

"Perhaps he's busy conferring with the doctors working on your case. You know, making sure they are doing all they can to get you out of here as soon as possible."

I didn't say anything at first. I didn't want to. What she was saying, that wasn't Carlisle's style. And I didn't want to be the one to burst the bubble that was keeping her hopes intact. Because if he wasn't with me, he could be just about anywhere.

A chill went through me that had nothing to do with my skin being exposed to the cool air and warm water.

For the hundredth time, I wondered whether Carlisle had something on the side. My blood boiled at the thought. Such a beautiful, selfless woman Mom was. If he was off fucking some other girl, I'd kill him.

"I'm sure that's exactly what he's doing, Mom." I wanted to reassure her even though I feared the worst. It wasn't as if anything had ever happened to allude to some kind of unfaithfulness on Carlisle's part, but all those "long hours at the office" and unexplainable absences such as this made me worry. Besides, I saw how women reacted to him, even at this age. Throw in the prestige that followed him around, and you just knew he was being propositioned left and right.

Mom smiled at me hesitantly before nodding in agreement.

"He loves you so much you know. He'd do anything in his power to help you."

_Riiight. Just like all those times growing up…_

Mom didn't stay long after my bath. She mentioned needing to get home to do…something. Honestly I wasn't sure what her excuse was because I knew what she'd really be doing once she left was trying to get a hold of Carlisle.

I hated him for making her worry. And yet, it had _always _been like that. Carlisle gone, while Mom was left alone. Sure she had me, and then eventually Emmett and Alice, to keep her company. But that was hardly the same.

Hadn't he stepped down to spend more time with her? And yet he was God only knew where, doing who the fuck knows what?

I mean, for God's sake, he was a married man. Innocent in my sexual ways I may not be, but I purposely stayed out of any kind of relationship for a reason. I knew I wasn't one to settle down. Why set myself up for failure and end up in an awkward situation? I had learned that the hard way with Rosalie.

So while I fucked around, I never pretended to be looking for something else. Every girl knew where I stood _before _I got them naked. If they decided to try and pursue more later, that was their own fault.

If there _was _another woman in Carlisle's life, did she know her place?

I just didn't get how, after so many years of marriage, someone decided to stray. Admittedly, the concept of relationships in general was lost to me. But it just seemed stupid to be with someone for so long only to…what? Grow bored? Cheat? And then still be with that person at the end of the day?

Did some moment of great importance take place to lead the way to infidelity? Was it a slow build? Months of short exchanges leading to more lengthy conversations? Or did something inside just snap and make a man say "fuck it, I want new pussy." Or conversely, a woman decide "I want bigger, better cock."

Seriously, why did anyone get into a committed relationship? Especially when the possibility of infidelity was always lurking around the corner? Because honestly, it seemed like _everyone _cheated at some point in time. I used to think, when I was dumb and naïve, that my parents were immune. That they were the embodiment of "happily ever after." I quickly grew out of that fantasy land.

How long into a relationship did someone decide it was time to graze in greener pastures?

"Hey Edward, how are you feeling?" Bella Shortcake caught me off guard as I was lost in my confusing thoughts.

"Huh?" I knew I was frowning but I couldn't help it.

"What's wrong?" She was at my side in a flash, placing her hands on me in an effort to try and feel out the problem.

_Lower, the problem is lower._

_Shut up, not fucking now._

"How long have you been with your boyfriend?" I had to know. Had it been weeks, months, years? Could she be with someone who would eventually cheat?

"Um, why do you want to know?"

"I was just curious." She looked wary, but decided to answer anyway.

"Well, if you ask Jake it's been eight years."

"Eight _years_?" I spluttered.

"Only because we went on our first date eight years ago. We haven't really been together that long. We've really only been together for a little over a year." Still, a year was quite awhile, especially if I planned on getting in her pants.

_Fuck, wouldn't Bella be cheating then? How does that make you any better than Carlisle?_

_Because, I'd get her to break up with him first. Duh._

"So a year of dating and eight of knowing each other?"

"More like a lifetime of knowing each other." She smiled softly, lids lowering slightly as if reminiscing. "We grew up in Arizona together."

"How sweet." So much so I wanted to gag.

"It's funny actually. I couldn't stand him when we were younger. That date, eight years ago, was out of pity; his mom was best friends with mine."

"If you hated him so much, how did you end up together?" It annoyed me how she was with a tool, especially a tool she didn't even like. But I knew Bella hadn't liked me in the beginning either. So there was definite hope for me once I got rid of the boyfriend.

"He grew up. We reconnected after college and, it just seemed right for us to get together." That didn't sound very exciting. "He's a great guy. I'm really happy with Jake."

_Really happy with Jake_ was not what I wanted to hear. Though I noticed she hadn't yet used the L word. So how serious could it be, right?

"Why isn't he here with you in Seattle?" As much as I wanted to know how long Bella had been with Jake, this was the real question I had been dying to know.

"How'd you know that?" Was she surprised that I picked up on that little tidbit?

"When you were talking about _that night_, you said you were here alone. Did you come up here by yourself?"

Her eyes darted away, hands fidgeting nervously. She clearly didn't want me to see her like this, to know what was going on. I assumed the worst about their relationship, despite Bella telling me how happy she was.

_Of course, the worst for her would be the best for me._

"Jake had to stay behind in Arizona for a little while." _That's what I like to hear. _"His dad had a stroke just before I got the nursing position up here" _Oh shit. "_He's taking care of Billy until he recovers from it."

_And now I officially feel like a jackass._

How could I take pleasure at that? I may not have the fondest feelings for Carlisle, but this kid was probably postponing his entire life to act as his dad's nurse.

_Heh, he's another Focker._

Still, it was pretty damn commendable. This douche was a little too slick for my own good.

"You miss him?" I was hoping she'd say no but…

"I do. It sucks sleeping alone."

_I'd sleep with you any night. Or day. I'm not picky._

"When is he coming out here?" I really wanted her to tell me never. Wishful thinking though.

"I'm not sure. As soon as his dad's settled, Jake needs to sell the house." _They had a fucking house together?! _"He's already got a job lined up at a local garage here in Seattle that a college buddy owns. So that's not an issue."

While she talked I made mental notes. I needed to keep track of all these little details if I wanted to get anywhere with her. I was honestly shocked at how easy it was to feign interest. Listening to Bella was almost pleasant.

_Maybe you really _are _interested in what she has to say._

I didn't know about that. Maybe I was. Either way, it was working out towards my advantage.

"It's hard not really knowing anyone here." She let out a heavy sigh as she plopped down in the seat next to my bed. I liked that she was comfortable enough to do that now. It almost made me smile, ya know, if it weren't for the fact that that action was uncomfortable for me at the moment.

_Fucking face._

"You seemed to know Rosalie pretty well."

"What was that?" Her face turned towards mine, looking slightly dazed. I doubted whether or not she was even paying attention.

"When you left earlier; you and Rosalie recognized each other."

"Oh right! What a small world." The smile on her face was small, but still adorable with the way that full bottom lip pouted out ever so slightly.

"So how do you two know each other?"

"We knew each other in high school."

Really? I hadn't realized Rosalie grew up in a town named after fucking flatware. I had always assumed she was born and raised in Seattle. She knew her way around this city like only the whores and homeless did. Though really, she wasn't too different from either of those groups…

"Wow. Same high school. You're right; it is a small world." I think I was a little disappointed to know they were friends in high school. Knowing Rosalie, she was probably just as cunty then as she was now. What did that say about my sweet Strawberry?

"We didn't actually attend the same school. But our schools were in the same conference so whenever our teams played against each other I would run into her."

Sports? Bella didn't strike me as the athletic type. I knew Rosalie wasn't either. She probably cheered. If James was here I would've bet money on that being true. He could never pass up on a bet.

"What did you play?"

"Well, I didn't play sports. I uh, was in marching band."

_Oh fuck, that's priceless._

"Really? So what did you play? Did you go to band camp? Because I've always heard band nerds were freaks."

"I didn't play the flute, if that's what you're getting at. And I swear to god if you quote _American Pie _at me, I'm leaving and never coming back." Her glare made me want to smile, despite how obviously annoyed she was at me.

_Touchy._

"You know I'm kidding around, Shortcake." Her nickname made her smile briefly before resuming the evil eye. "That still doesn't explain how you know her. Somehow I don't see Rosalie as the type to be in band."

"She cheered at Port Angeles High." And where the fuck was James when I wanted him? I could've won money on that shit. Of-fucking-course, Rosalie was a cheerleader. "And she was dating my friend Royce who played on the Forks' football team. After games we'd hang out, though that eventually stopped happening when I became more and more of a third wheel."

So she didn't have a boyfriend in high school? That's how it came across anyway. I wanted to ask about it but thought better. It might be kind of inappropriate to keep asking her dating history. Plus it would probably be a dead giveaway of my interest in her.

"How nice then, that you two should reconnect after all these years." God I was disgusted at them being friends. Who knew what Rosalie could do to damage sweet Bella Shortcake.

"I don't know. It was just a little bit awkward." She stopped talking, most likely wanting to let the subject drop.

"Keep going, we're just getting to the good stuff. What happened to make things weird between you?" Her exasperated huff told me she'd finish the story, even if she didn't want to.

"Royce and Rosalie broke up." I waved my hand in a silent gesture of _go on _to keep her talking. "Because he wouldn't have sex with her."

"Did you say _he_?" I think my brain just mentally _huh_-ed at the idea. "What kind of queer doesn't have sex with Rosalie?"

Shortcake gasped at words I meant to keep inside my head. _Fuck, why do I keep doing that? _Was she mad about the queer talk or the sex with Rosalie part?

"For your information, Royce grew up in a very conservative Christian family. He wanted to wait until he was married." I noticed the past tense there. "Rosalie was a little…impatient." I just bet she was, slut. "So she ended things. Though I guess it didn't matter much because I heard Royce became a bit of a man whore in college." She shrugged lightly as if the news was no big deal.

"I bet he probably kicked himself at missing his chance with Rosalie." I started to laugh until I noticed the face Bella was giving me. Like she was disgusted at my words or something. "What?"

"Well, frankly I'm just a little disturbed at how many sexual comments you've made in regards to your brother's fiancé."

_Fuck._

"I, um, well, huh." I didn't know how to respond to her. How the fuck did I explain that shit?

"Does your brother know you harbor a secret crush on his soon-to-be wife?"

"What? Christ, Bella. I don't want Rosalie." The idea was just fucking disgusting. I had already dipped in that. Now Emmett was having a go. I wasn't one to double dip, especially after my brother.

"Then why all the sex comments? Did you used to have a thing for her?" I laughed immediately.

"You're hilarious, Bella. Did I have a thing for Rosalie? Hah!"

"Ok, you can't not tell me now. What the hell is going on?" Her face was red, not from embarrassment but outrage. I didn't want her thinking I was laughing at her. But I also didn't want to tell her. There was no reason for her to get mad at me, take sides with Rosalie, but…I knew plenty of women who did despite me being blameless in the situation.

_What if Rosalie tells her though? That black widow bitch will spin lies out of what happened to make sure Bella sympathizes with her._

"I guess you could say that Rosalie and I had a _thing_ a long time ago."

Shortcake's mouth fell slack as she eyed me all surprised and shit. I'm guessing that was the last thing she expected to hear. Still, she knew now so she could at least drop it.

"You had sex with your brother's fiancé? Oh my God, Edward! That's really awful."

Did she think I fucked around with Rosalie while those two dated?

"You must think the worst of me dearest Bella. I'm offended. Rosalie and I were together years and years ago; before she even met Emmett."

_It had been a long fucking day. Med school was kicking my ass and I was so stressed out about clinical rotations I wanted to fucking rage on someone. Being a Cullen meant living up to everyone's standards. The pressure was insane. I needed some way to relieve all the pent up frustrations or I was going to go off on someone. _

_I decided to head over to Monkey, grab a beer, and either get in a fight or find some girl to take home and fuck. Either way I'd feel better. Sex was the winning option in my head though. As much as finding some sick prick to blast sounded like fun, I hated chancing damage to my hands. _

_Once inside, I relaxed on a stool, enjoying a Heineken while listening to some song I'd never even heard before. I loved coming to this bar and not having to listen to Joan Jett impersonators or see the skanks who tried dancing up on every guy in the place. _

_As far as girls went, this place was lacking. While it was low key and a happy departure from the normal bar hoppers, that also meant the more…easily coaxed…women didn't come here either. Maybe it just wasn't in the cards tonight. I'd have to just go home and jack off till I could pass out._

"_Hey there." I was so concerned thinking about masturbating I hadn't noticed the sex-on-legs walking my way. "You're looking a little lonely." _

_The girl had long blonde hair, just perfect to run my fingers through and tug on while I took her from behind. Fuck I loved blondes_. _And even though she wasn't dressed like a complete slut, her clothes were a little too revealing for a place like this. It was all fine by me. Judging by the smile on her face, she was looking for something hard and long to go between her legs._

"_I am pretty lonely. I could sure use some company right about now."_

_We didn't waste too much time getting to know each other. Her hand on my upper thigh was enough to tell me she was ready to leave. _

_The sex was…incredible. The girl could contort her body like nobody's business. I got her on her back, legs up past her head, my hands holding her down while I pounded into her. Her body arched up off the bed as she got closer to coming. And when she did, her pussy clenched on to my cock so hard I thought I would lose it right then and there._

_When I had fully drained myself later that night, my burdens were fucking lighter than they had been in some months. And not just because I had unloaded gallons of jizz on and in her. The sex was refreshing. It wiped out some of my worries. I wondered if she would be opposed to me calling her up again when I needed it._

_She eagerly agreed to an arrangement of sorts. We were fuck buddies, booty calls, if you will, there to lend out a helping hand, mouth or other body part when the other needed to come like a fiend. I told her I wasn't looking for a relationship, which she also agreed to. According to Rosalie, she was only out for a good time, trying to finish her undergrad courses so she could study for the LSATs and get her law degree._

_But a few months later, I noticed a change in our "relationship." Rosalie became suspicious and jealous of how I was spending my time. If I was not with her, she accused me of fucking around and possibly subjecting her to STDs from the random skanks in the greater Seattle area. It was all fucking laughable since not only did I meet her at a bar then take her home to fuck like a common whore, but it wouldn't have mattered if I was having sex with other women. We weren't _dating.

_Things went from bad to worse. She'd call and page me every few hours, asking where I was, what I was up to, who I was up in. She'd come by the different hospitals and clinics that I was doing my rounds at. She would cling to me and stare down any woman who was giving me attention, no matter if it was purely professional. _

_Basically, the bitch went crazy._

_I called her on her shit, reminded her that we weren't together, at least not in the conventional way. I asked her if she'd forgotten our agreement. That seemed to only anger her more. Rosalie screamed at me, telling me how stupid I was for thinking _this _wouldn't progress into something more. Apparently she was hoping to turn Mr. Right Now into Mr. Right. And Mr. Right I would never be, to anyone. I had to do something._

_So I bailed. _

_I changed my phone number and told the doorman at my place that Rosalie was no longer one of my guests. That way she couldn't just come stomping up to my door whenever she damn well pleased. _

_Rosalie got the hint, but that didn't mean she took things lying down. The bitch went around spreading rumors about me: saying I had a small cock, was bad in bed, gave her gonorrhea…of the throat. As if the bitch could take it that far down to get a sore throat from my cock. Plus, I knew I was clean. I always wrapped it up. _

_It was getting to a point I thought I'd have to slap a restraining order on her ass. But then, all her harassment stopped. I was confused, though ecstatic at her loss of interest. James and I went out to celebrate the shrew's disappearance by going to a "trendy" bar he frequented. He told me I'd find a greater variety of females to choose from, a surefire way to forget the whole messy situation. What a great guy._

_Would you know, I saw Rosalie there that night, pulling some random guy towards the bathroom. I found out from some of the barflies that Rosalie was a regular there, surrounded by the same few men on a rotating schedule. _

_Seemed she was in fact looking for something "serious." Or at least a serious meal ticket. All her "men" were influential in their own spheres of business. She was a fucking gold digger, that girl. And she had been trying to sink her nasty claws into me once realizing who I was and who I was related to. That's why she came to Monkey that night; a regular hang out for doctors looking to unwind. Doctors meant money. And Rosalie loved money. She wanted a husband who would allow her the privileges she felt she deserved. _

_Either way, I was out. I wanted to confront her, call her on the complete bullshit she put me through only to find out that she had left several options open…and by options I meant her legs…but thought better of it. It was done and over with and I would never have to see her again._

"And all that was true…until Emmett brought home his amazing girlfriend and I was forced to sit next to her years after the whole messed up situation."

It was oddly liberating telling Bella about what happened with Rosalie, even if I did have to edit some of the more unpleasant details. I figured it was because she at least had some idea as to how Rosalie really was. I had never been able to tell friends and family, besides James anyway, because of Emmett's involvement. Also because I'd have to admit that I wasn't, or rather am not, the most respectable guy when it came to women. I didn't think my mother would approve of random hookups.

"Yeah I can picture Rosalie like that." She was frowning down at me, probably mirroring my own expression. Mouth dry from the impromptu storytelling, I reached for my water, taking a much needed drink. "Though I'm still surprised Emmett was able to get over all that." I sucked in air, mid gulp and started choking on the water.

Bella looked nervous, trying to help me calm down enough to breathe properly. She leaned me forward, her warm hand rubbing my back. It felt nice. Even after I was ok, I stayed still, faking a cough so she'd keep her hands on me.

"Better?" She got even closer to me, searching my face to see if I was done with my coughing fit.

"Yeah, I am. Thanks." I wanted to close the distance, put my lips to hers and see if they tasted just as sweet as she smelled. But I couldn't. For one, the feel of bandages against her skin probably wasn't the sexiest thing. And after all my philosophical nonsense over cheating, I didn't want to make Bella feel bad.

So I sat still, like a good boy, for once in my life.

"How did Emmett handle all that information?" I hadn't picked up my water again, knowing she'd never leave it alone. No sense in killing myself.

"Inevertoldhim."

"What?"

"I, or should I say, we, never told him." God for once couldn't she just let it fucking go?

"He doesn't know?" Her eyes looked like they would pop out at any moment. "He doesn't _know_? How could you keep that crucial piece of information from him?!"

"It, uh, never came up in conversation?" Fuckin A, Shortcake would be the death of me. "What do you want me to say? I am too much of a coward to tell my little brother that I fucked the woman he's in love with? Too worried that if I admit his fiancé is a whore he will probably lose all faith in women? Christ, Bella."

"Is that really why you didn't tell him?" Now she had tears in her eyes, and I wondered if she was moved by my words or just upset that I was basically yelling at her again.

"Yes. Well, that and I don't feel like getting the shit kicked out of me. My face is almost healed, I don't want to put it in danger again."

I got a laugh out of her, luckily. I hated seeing her all mopey. And didn't someone somewhere say a sense of humor was attractive? It's really all I had going for me until she could take a long look at my mug. Then, who cares what I say? She'd want me. Bad.

"You should really tell him. He has a right to know. Especially if Rose was as bad as you say she was. Though I'm really hoping, for the sake of womankind everywhere, that she has changed."

"Bella?" Elizabeth cracked the door open, poking her head in my room.

"Oh! Nurse Masen!" Bella stood up so quick the chair scooted back a few inches. "I was just finishing here with Dr. Cullen."

"Hmph." Elizabeth glared at me, though her lips were twitching into a smile. "You've been called for by your patient in room 304."

"I'm coming right now." She turned to say goodbye to me as the door clicked closed, announcing Elizabeth's departure.

_Very rude of her to interrupt my Shortcake time._

"Will I see you later?"

"Not today. I've been in here too long. Somehow you always seem to make me lose track of time." She gave me a playful frown, hands on her hips and everything in a show of disapproval. I knew differently though. She loved spending her time in here.

"Goodbye then. See you tomorrow." I waved to her retreating form, already feeling her loss; boredom seeping in.

After Bella, I was left in the very capable and large hands of Nurse Murray. _Another Focker. _He never really talked to me except to check on my vitals. He probably heard what I had said to his little queer friend.

When Murray walked in, only a few short minutes after his required check-up, I was surprised. He held a tiny bowl in his hand as he approached my bedside.

"I was told to give this to you." Murray set the bowl on the cart by my bed and promptly turned to leave.

"Who's it from?"

"No clue." He didn't even bother stopping as he called back to me. He was out the door before I could even blink.

Curious as to who could be sending me anything while here, I noticed a card covering the top of the dish.

"_Think about what I said. He should know. -Shortcake."_

Smiling, I looked inside the bowl. Strawberries. She sent me fucking strawberries.

* * *

**special thanks to my cricket, aka emmy, aka pippapear for giving me the idea to have bella send some strawberries edward's way. that piece of gold is all hers. i can't take credit for her genius.  
****i'm thinking next chapter is gonna be pretty damn important. as in, bandages being removed important...eek!  
****if you like it, review it. maybe shortcake will send you some strawberries too.**


	9. Smile Like You Mean It

**disclaimer: it's stephANIE, not stephENIE.**

**a/n: wow. really? an update already? i noticed many reviewers commenting on length between updates. so i tried really hard to get this out sooner. you'll notice it's a bit shorter than previous chapters. that's bc nothing else needed to happen this time around. and i did my best to respond to as many reviews as possible, esp if there were qs. it felt good. thanks as always for the alerts/faves/reviews. THANK YOU TO arra584 FOR BEING A BEAUTIFUL BETA EVEN WHEN SHE'S ON NO SLEEP BC OF CRAZY WORK (i forgot to put that in the first time...oops, sorry R)**

**chapter title: smile like you mean it by the killers**** just for the obvious reason  
****chapter songs:  
i will possess your heart by death cab,  
queen of apology by the sounds  
tick, tick, tick by the yeah yeah yeahs (for bella. you'll understand if you give it a listen)**

The day after Bella sent me the strawberries was her day off. I was all settled in my moody funk, knowing Gloria could not entertain me as well, when what to my wondering eyes should appear than…Bella. No reindeer, though somehow seeing her unexpectedly was better than Christmas.

She looked so fucking delicious: long, shapely legs visible thanks to her skintight jeans. Goddamn those should be a required part of her uniform. Forget the scrubs. And Jesus Christ, I could see how perky those tits were in the little blue tee she was wearing.

Was the woman trying to kill me?

"Hey Edward."

She walked towards me, but I was momentarily distracted by the _thwapping_ noise accompanying her steps. Peering down at her feet I saw flip flops with tiny toes sporting black polish.

Sexy and adorable all at once. Who knew it was possible?

"Did you hear me?"

She was talking again but again I was distracted. Her hair was all shiny and smooth and I had this burning desire to just touch it. To get close enough to see if it smelled good like I thought it would. And her lips – sweet baby Jesus, her lips – were shiny too. I bet they were slathered in some kind of strawberry goo I could lick off before parting those lips and…

Shit, I was a little too turned on.

"Edward! Are you listening to me?"

"What are you doing here?"

It came out as an accusation, which was not my intention. Though clearly so judging by Bella's crestfallen look.

"I'm sorry; that came out wrong. What I meant to say was, Bella, what a pleasant surprise. I'm happy to see you!"

"Not as happy as when you see what I smuggled in."

She pulled a small Styrofoam container out of a canvas bag I hadn't realized she was carrying. How had I missed that? Oh, it was probably when I was eye-fucking her. She held it out to me like a present waiting to be unwrapped.

"What…" I started to say but cut off when I opened up the box. "Is this what I think it is?" Her smile grew ten times. "_Strawberry shortcake. _Mmmm." I wanted to pick up the dessert with my bare hand and eat it. "Too bad there's no whipped cream."

"You think I'd forget something as crucial as whipped cream?" Bella pulled out a can of Redi Whip from that bag. "I can't have my favorite patient suffering, now can I?"

She started shaking the can and I thought pretty soon I'd make some cream of my own if she didn't stop that. She sure could fucking pump that sucker. Dear God.

_Focus on something else, damn you._

"I'm your favorite patient?"

"Oh." _Blush. Come on, blush. _"I suppose you are." _There it is. _

I was a smug motherfucker. That's right. Me. Edward Cullen. I was her favorite.

_Patient. Don't forget that part._

_Details, details._

With cream on top and fork in hand, I dug into the cake.

"Gahsgoo."

"What?" I swallowed quickly so I could repeat myself.

"God, that's good."

"Too bad you can't try my own recipe."

"You bake?"

She nodded all humble. I vowed to get her in my house and have her bake for me. I wouldn't mind licking batter off her body.

"You'll just have to make it for me some other time."

"I'm glad you're enjoying your shortcake, Edward." She didn't respond to my comment, making me wonder if she was uncomfortable with the idea. "I should get going now."

"Why did you come to see me anyway?" _And cue more blushing._

"I left my iPod here yesterday. Since I had to come back for it, I figured I'd drop off a little somethin' for you."

She was so damn sweet. Sweeter than the shortcake I was currently inhaling. God, she got better and better every day.

"Anyway, see you later, Edward."

"Don't you mean _favorite?_"

I was hoping if I teased her, she'd stay longer. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to spend as much time with her as possible. Strictly speaking, out of concern for my own boredom that is…

"Would you prefer me to call you _favorite _instead of Edward?"

_Hmm…_It had a ring to it. But there was just something about the way those juicy, strawberry lips mouthed my name.

"Edward works."

She left me with my dessert, a smile working its way on my face despite the pain.

--

The next few days were, by far, the best I had experienced since being stuck in this hospital. Bella and I were becoming better acquainted with each other, something I found surprisingly enjoyable. She always shared the most random tidbits of information with me, kept me on my toes.

Like, how she hated onions but always ordered onion rings at restaurants so she could eat the deep-fried batter. Disgusting, since it was basically pure grease. Though if anyone could pull that off, it was for sure Bella.

She was so adorable. It always left me torn between wanting to fuck her brains out or kissing those sweet, and what I imagined to be soft, cheeks until they flushed pink.

The only time I wasn't happy to see my Shortcake, and that wasn't even the truth because I was always happy to see her, was when she "couldn't wait to finally tell someone" how excited she was that Jake had bought her a ticket to Arizona to visit…since he couldn't leave yet and all. Her time-off request had been approved. The trip was set for a little over a month from now.

That meant somewhere around four weeks to help change Bella's mind. Four weeks to show her one night with me was better than however long she planned to be with that tool.

_Besides, depending on how good she was, maybe it'd be more than once._

Four fucking weeks. Could I do it? Of course. I was Edward Cullen. The man. The myth. The legend. Not to rip off Ali or anything. He was the legend of boxing after all. But I was the legend of pussy.

So I set about using as much charm as possible whenever she was around. I knew the one thing I needed to do the most. When I was alone, I worked on my panty-dropping smile. Because the first thing I would do when these godforsaken bandages came off would be to turn towards my sweet, little Strawberry and smile at her.

She'd be mine.

I imagined her reaction to finally seeing the _real _me.

In my head, she waited for the rest of the hospital personnel to leave before climbing on top of me. She'd forget my other injuries in her haste to feel me against her. It would hurt, but fuck, would it be worth it. She'd straddle me, letting her legs dangle off either side of my bed. Of course, that would press her right up against my cock, her thin scrubs and my threadbare sheets doing next to nothing to lessen how good it would feel. I'd feel her heat. And she'd most definitely feel my bulge.

Then she'd bring her mouth to mine, too eager to ease into anything. Her tongue would thrust in my mouth from how badly she wanted it. There would be no time for shy, nervous Bella. She'd be so hot for me that that fierce, little kitten would come out to play.

Fierce, sex kitten.

And when she'd start rubbing against me, her wetness seeping through those scrubs (because of course she'd be sans-panty that day), I'd grab onto those tits. I'd tug and twist on her nipples until she was so worked up she came. Fully dressed. No penetration. Not even skin-to-skin. Because I'm just that good.

She'd be so grateful to me, she'd offer to bathe me. And by bathe, I mean _bathe, _the way I fantasized about on the daily. Lather me up and stroke me until I shot my load all over her hands. Or face. If she'd let me.

"Am I interrupting?" James's voice broke into my visual of Bella using her tits to soap up my body.

"Why would you think that?" I was annoyed at the disruption. He had such bad timing.

"You seem…preoccupied." His eyes moved down my body, almost like he was checking me out.

What the fuck?!

Then I realized my hand had subconsciously made its way down to my cock during that fantasy. And of course it was over the sheet so there was no mistaking it. James caught me, basically, red-handed.

At least it was James and not Bella.

"Is there something you needed?" I moved my hand away but that only showed the tenting in my sheets all the more.

"Not really. Though it looks like you may be needing something."

"Are you propositioning me, asshole? Because I've never had a guy go down on me. I mean, if you really wanted to, I guess I can just close my eyes and imagine it's some chick."

His eyes flashed an annoyed warning at me until I got to that last bit. Then he just smirked at me.

"Like a certain brunette nurse who goes by the name of…"

"Bella!" I cut him off as the girl of my sex dreams walked in. It did not go unnoticed that James knew exactly who I wanted to imagine on her knees in front of me.

_Am I that transparent?_

"Hi, Edward! I brought you something!"

She walked up and set a bowl of jello, obviously strawberry, by my side. It took her a moment to notice James standing there. Her little 'O' shaped mouth gave away how surprised she was. I also noticed a flash of recognition which didn't please me one bit.

"Hello, Bella." James stepped closer to my Shortcake, probably wanting to shake hands or, God forbid, hug.

"Hi?" Her questioning tone made me second guess whether they knew each other or not.

"We haven't been properly introduced. The night of the accident was so hectic."

"This is James, er, Dr. James." I wanted to get the introductions out of the way. The sooner they were, the sooner he left. At least I hoped that were the case.

"Please, call me Andrew." My pseudo-friend flashed a megawatt smile. I was man enough to admit jealousy. His smile, his face, wasn't screwed up. And I should be the one smiling at Bella that way.

"Hello, Dr. James." I felt a sick sense of pleasure knowing she didn't want to call him Andrew. Formality put distance between people, or so I hoped. Which is why I insisted on Bella calling me Edward.

The sharp pain of my skin tugging through a smile was forgotten as I watched James frown. _Motherfucker. _

"Do you want me to come back later?" Bella looked unsure, eyes darting back and forth between James and me.

"You don't have to. I'm here to go over Edward's progress as a favor to Dr. Meyers."

I started chuckling as soon as the words left James's mouth.

Meyers had a rather obvious, if you asked me, thing for me. Despite being married in fact. I would've been flattered if it weren't how weird she acted around me. Turning hot and cold depending on who was around to witness.

Because of that, no one believed me at first. To the rest of the world Meyers was a frigid bitch. But I saw the lusty looks, eye-fucking the hell out of me. One time, I heard her groan when I bent over to pick up my pen. She blushed so hard before running away.

But it wasn't sexy like Bella's. It was all blotchy and ruddy.

She finally broke down to James while going over my case. Apparently she had a dream about me. As a vampire. I just so happened to be sucking her blood. Erotic apparently. Scary as fuck to me. James, deer in headlights, tried to convince her that it was just synapses misfiring. All the blood from my accident was being reconfigured in her brain to produce the dream.

But when he came laughing to me not ten minutes later, we both knew she had some twisted sex dream about me.

I'm sure Meyers figured James would tell me. She had been avoiding me, conveniently busy whenever I needed a consult.

"She should just give up the case to you if she can't even stand to be near me."

"Are you being an asshole again?" Bella spoke up, forgotten in the midst of James's and my laughter.

James turned to me and mouthed the word asshole with one eyebrow arched. He was silently questioning if I was going to take that.

"No little Shortcake, I'm not. At least not more than normal."

"Shortcake?" This time James voiced the question.

"I'll just let you two discuss." Bella was rushing to the door, Chucks slip-sliding on the way out.

"What was _that _about?" James asked as soon as Bella was gone.

"Just a nickname." I was going for casual. Unfortunately James's eyes still bugged out at me.

"Wow. This is new. Edward Cullen crushing on a girl."

_Crush? Psh._

"No. I'm not crushing on…"

"You are. You _so _are. When the hell did this happen? More importantly, _how _did it happen?"

"We are not close enough friends to be having this conversation."

"Fine. Have it your way. Keep denying this bromance." James waggled his eyebrows and leered at me.

"You have got to get laid, man."

"Speaking of easy lays, Lauren is coming in to change your dressings. That's why I'm here. If all looks good, this will be your last night as the man without a face."

I grinned at James. This was exciting news. The pull had lessened so I hardly felt anything now. James was looking at me as if he'd never seen me smile before.

Whatever.

--

Lauren and James left me in one good fucking mood. Tomorrow. Tomorrow the bandages would be off for good.

"Are you done with Dr. James?" Bella poked her head in.

"Yup." I felt like whistling I was in such a good mood. "What are you doing tomorrow at nine?"

"AM or PM?"

"AM."

"Honestly? Sleeping. Gloria needed Friday off so I switched shifts with her. I fully plan on spending the day being a big lazy bum."

The idea of Bella all cuddled up on a couch in sweats was incredibly cute. I could just see her reading the day away, waiting for me to come over for a visit. Slipping off the oversized pants when I got there to reveal a tiny thong.

_Focus! Because after tomorrow you are that much closer to making that fantasy a reality. _

"Well, sorry Shortcake, but you need to make an appearance tomorrow."

"Why? I was looking forward to sleeping late." She pouted. Adorable.

"Tomorrow's the big day." She gave me a blank look, not realizing the importance behind my words. "I get my bandages taken off."

"Oh!"

"Nine o'clock, sweetie. Be there."

--

I had a hard time sleeping that night. Literally. My dreams consisted of each and every possible way Bella would react to my face. Of course, each scenario ended with sexy results. My cock kept waking me up, ready to burst with excitement and anticipation. I knew nothing like I dreamed would come to fruition. But I could hardly tell my subconscious mind that.

When one dream involved me with fangs biting at the femoral artery in Bella's inner thigh, I woke with a start. Too weird, yet still…erotic. And then realizing that weirded me out even more.

Light shone through the flimsy curtains, rousing me for good. I was too excited to attempt more rest. Breakfast was brought in by some no-name nurse. I usually slept longer, waking to find the food waiting for me. A small…or big…part of me hoped Bella had arranged for a special surprise.

_This _is _my big day after all. And I could so go for some strawberry French toast right now._

Lifting the cover, all I saw were soggy pancakes and charred sausage. You'd think knowing one of their own was bedridden the staff would treat me better. Or maybe because they knew who I was they opted to seek out some kind of revenge…

The thought pissed me off but not enough to keep me in a bad mood. Nothing could bring me down from this high. Nothing.

--

Five minutes to nine, Bella came stumbling through my door, hair pulled up in a messy bun and wearing a hoodie that looked five times too big for her.

"Late night?"

Bella blushed. I could only imagine what spurred that reaction. Only maybe I didn't want to know if it had anything to do with that tool.

"Stayed up too late reading," She yawned out after recovering from her embarrassment.

"Hmph."

That could've been true if it weren't for her initial reaction. I didn't like the implication of it at all.

_Had she been up late talking to Jake? If she was on the phone had she…no, she wouldn't…had phone sex? Good God._

Before I really had a chance to dwell on that, a soft knock on my door announced James and Lauren.

"Bella, I'm surprised to see you here on your day off." Lauren sneered at my Nurse.

"Well…"

"She's a guest. I _invited _her to be here."

Lauren's face fell.

"Shall we?" James, ever the peacemaker, tried to move things along.

"Yes, for God's sake. Get this shit off me."

"What about your family? Don't you want them here?" Bella spoke up as James started to unravel the bandages.

"They already know what I look like. Only you don't, Shortcake."

James and Lauren were standing in front of me, blocking my view of Bella. I had no way of knowing if she'd blushed at my comments.

Slowly I felt cool air touch my skin as layer by layer of my face was being freed of its mummification. Lauren dabbed on moisturizer as James worked.

"Looking good, Dr. Cullen." Lauren winked at me. I thought I heard a snort from Bella's general direction.

"Still some bruising and a little bit of swelling but you look like your old self."

I felt a great sense of relief at James' words. My old self. That meant…

"What do you think Bella?" I asked while shooing away Lauren and James. She needed to see me.

When the two were out of the way, my eyes found Bella's, her cute little ass in the chair in the corner. Her eyes were huge, round and unblinking. Her hand was at her face, covering both mouth and nose, though I could still see her gaping mouth and flaring nostrils. I briefly wondered if I smelled bad or something.

She got up to come nearer – _to get a better look _– when I smiled at her. I was throwing everything I had at her. Face and smile at once. She didn't stand a chance. I was mentally preparing myself for that gorgeous blush.

Bella's face went pale as her eyes bugged out even more.

_That's not the reaction I was hoping for…_

"Excuse me, I just realized…I need to go." She turned around without any further explanation. "Sorry." She whispered out as she left.

_Sorry? For what? Is something wrong with me?_

"James?" I looked up at my colleague, now terrified.

Bella's reactions at first had all fit with any girl's at being overwhelmed by my good looks. But then…she seemed to be disgusted. And it happened when I smiled at her.

"Here." James thrust a mirror in my hand.

Looking at myself, I noticed no differences outside of the discoloration and puffiness he had warned me about.

_Not bad. Not bad at all._

Then I smiled, just a small grin really, since I wasn't feeling up to it after Bella's quick getaway.

My insides churned as I stared down at a smile that once upon a time could melt the coldest of hearts. Once upon a time because it was crooked. My smile was fucking crooked.

**if you didn't already know, my blog 4theluvofmary(dot)wordpress(dot)com is where i put any and all info concerning the story. there will be more pics added in the next day or so. link is under my "homepage" on my profile  
tho not a long one, still a big (hehe) chappie. i'd love your feedback. reviews are better than crooked smiles...or are they?**


	10. Still Fly

disclaimer: it's stephAnie, not stephEnie

a/n: gobble, gobble. translation: sorry for the fucking long delay. also, happy thanksgiving! think of this chapter as a...turkey day miracle? idk. huge ass thanks to my beta arra584 who, despite having almost cut her finger off the other day, and being in the midst of holiday hell, took the time to look over my silly story. ily R.  
**point of clarification: **many were confused over the ending of last chapter. concerning edward's crooked smile. i updated my blog about it, but i'm unsure of how many go there. so lemme 'splain it quickly here. edward's smile pre accident was nt crooked. post accident it is. it's deliciously crooked, but edward doesn't see it that way. he only sees imperfection and asymmetry. this was my way of having fun with the canon edward's crooked smile. just a twist to shake things up a bit. *shrugs*  
also, edward really is just...idk. sometimes i worry about just wtf goes on in his mind. so, apologies if he offends any of you with his crude thoughts, words, behavior. i can't be held responsible. bc i can't keep him in check. the man will do whatever he damn well feels like i suppose. his thoughst are not my own. freals.

chapter title comes from Big Tymer's "Still Fly." lyrics not applicable tho they do crack me up  
chapter songs: "The Good Life" by Weezer  
"I Caught Myself" by Paramore (for a little view inside bella's thoughts)

* * *

"How?" I choked out the word, hating how deeply I was affected by the asymmetry on my face.

"The only cause I can guess at would be the muscles tightening too much from improper use and stretching."

"Are you saying this is _permanent?" _

James, sensing I was .2 seconds away from freaking out, put a hand on my shoulder.

"Try smiling more...bigger, I mean. Perhaps it doesn't affect your full range of motion."

I watched myself in the mirror as my smile grew and grew. It started to even out but only when I had the cheesiest goddamn smile I'd ever seen.

"You expect me to smile…like _this_?" I asked James as I kept the dumb look plastered on my face. James only shrugged.

"I honestly don't know or care how you smile, Edward. But maybe that's a good sign, the muscles will loosen as time goes by."

"You look kind of silly, Dr. C." Lauren giggled at me, causing an immediate smile-turned-upside-down to occur.

Frowning looked the same no matter how fucked up a smile was. Small sense of comfort there I guess.

"Strange how Nurse Swan seemed to react, don't you think?" Lauren was back in my face, smiling in hopes of coaxing me to do the same.

Lauren had seen my smile pre-accident. Bella hadn't. So Lauren had no idea that Bella's reaction hadn't been strange. It was totally justified. And that just made the frown deepen to a scowl.

"Aw, cheer up, Dr. C."

"Yeah, Dr. C." James voice was thick with disdain. "Your face is all healed up so quit moping already."

If these two didn't shut up, the frown would be permanently etched on my face.

"I'd like to be alone, if you please." Lauren, cheerful as ever, left with a little wave. The false politeness did not escape James's notice.

"Listen, Edward. I'm sorry you think your smile is all fucked up. But it could be worse. A _lot _worse. And you still have so much more healing in store. There are more important things to worry about here. In the grand scheme of things, your face is not important. Focus on your leg healing so you can walk. How about that?"

Which just proved how off the mark James was. More wrong he could not be.

--

I had never been more grateful that Bella didn't have to come into work. My mood was toxic. I didn't want to lash out on my favorite Nurse. It wasn't her fault my smile was a train wreck of epic proportions. Though if this changed how she treated me, I would have to result to desperate measures.

So desperate I had no fucking clue what I'd do.

I was so pissed off that I had reverted to the total douche patient I was before getting to know Bella. If I wasn't snapping at the help, I was feigning sleep again. It wasn't so bad at first, except that a lot of the nursing staff seemed to feel as if they could talk to me. Had I changed so much since I'd taken an interest in Bella? These bitches thought they had a right to talk to me instead of letting me sleep? Unacceptable.

Mom came in for my bath at the usual time. Unfortunately, so did Carlisle. I wanted to call him out on his bullshit, throw him under the fucking proverbial bus, but I couldn't do it. Not in front of Mom. That would hurt her too much. So I just stewed, making everything that much worse.

At least Carlisle had the decency to turn away while Mom cleaned me up.

"If your leg continues to heal as it has been, I fully expect they will start rehabilitating it in the very near future." Leave it to Carlisle to bring it right to medical issues.

It was good news though. Walking meant no more catheter. That also meant having the ability to fuck. The mere thought of getting Bella under me was enough to make my dick twitch, only Mom's washing put a stop to that. Thank God. I did not want a chubby with my mother's hands on me. Disgusting.

"That's great news, Edward!" Mom could sense some weird tension in the room and, like usual, tried her hardest to lighten things.

"Yes, I'm excited to get out of here. I'm sure Carlisle is too. No more meaningless trips to visit me anymore, right?" Carlisle was still facing away from me, but I could see his shoulders tighten and strain, a bodily wince at what I had just said.

"Nonsense, son, you know I enjoy my visits with you." He turned to smile at me just as Mom finished.

"What the fu…"

"Edward." Mom interrupted, already anticipating something foul about to come out of my mouth.

Carlisle deserved every foul word in the English language. He just straight up lied. He didn't come to visit me. Who the hell knew where he went. It was bad enough he wasn't where he said he was. But it was totally unacceptable to spit lies in front of both Mom and me, especially when I knew the truth.

I opted out of saying anything though, knowing this situation could not end well. And like I'd hoped, both Mom and Carlisle left shortly after the fight that almost was.

Unfortunately, I didn't know what to do with myself once they'd left. I flipped through all ten of the channels available on the television mounted on the wall in front of me. This place needed a serious upgrade. The flat panel, premium channel kind.

I wished I was able to drink myself stupid just to escape the boredom and disappointment I felt. Then I felt like a goddamn alcoholic, wanting to escape in a bottle of Grey Goose. I was pathetic.

Maybe James was right. I should worry about the rest of my body. I shouldn't be so vain. My face wasn't everything. Right.

_Thank god the bandages are off, I can finally do this again…_

I pinched the bridge of my nose and felt a small sense of relief. At least I could try and calm down in the normal fashion, even if my smile was so fucking abnormal.

I was only fooling myself. I could not curb my vanity issues in one day. I cared about not only Bella's, but the world's, thoughts concerning my looks too damn much. So while I'd try to let it go, I knew it would take time.

Rome wasn't built in a day. Or in this case, an entire empire's worth of narcissism deconstructed.

I tried focusing on...shit, I don't even know...positive thinking to help heal me faster or some shit. But my mind kept drifting to my stupid smile. More times than I cared to admit, I found my hand reaching for the small mirror at my side.

I couldn't remember a time I'd smiled more. Hell, in one day I'd probably smiled more than my entire life. Try as I might, I couldn't not look at the imperfection of my now crooked smile.

The rest of the night passed in a similar fashion, trying like hell to avoid catching my reflection but always giving in to the masochistic need to hate on my fugly smile. I didn't sleep well again. After the early rise and shine from the morning before, I slept through breakfast and Nurse Lauren. Pretty sure she tried to rouse me from sleep, but I wasn't having it. Sleep. I needed sleep to just recover some and feel marginally better.

I was still dozing when Bella came in. She looked like she could use some shut-eye. It made me miss the one time she'd come in, happy as can be and full of energy. I wanted her like that again, if only to try and leech some happiness from her.

"Hello, Edward." She hardly looked at me as she got to doing all her…nursely duties. It worried me that she was being too formal, too polite. But at least there was no "Dr. Cullen" shit.

"Hi, Bella." Now it was my turn to avoid looking at her. I felt uncomfortable in my own skin, something I wasn't used to.

"I heard you're starting physical therapy for your leg soon."

"Yeah."

"That's good."

"It is."

"Excited to be walking again?"

"I am."

"Cool."

The entire exchange took maybe thirty seconds to get through. There were no pregnant pauses, which made it worse. Worse because things were so awkward between us we were rushing through mundane patient/nurse convos. That wasn't like us. I had no idea why Bella would feel so weird around me. I mean, sure she found me unattractive but she didn't have to feel bad about it. Totally wasn't her fault.

She was almost to the door when the crushing weight of silence finally broke me.

"Bella, wait." She turned to face me, only her eyes were still downcast. "What's going on between us?"

"What do you mean? There's nothing _going on_ between us." Well that was painfully obvious, wasn't it?

"Things just seem…different ever since…"

Bella's shoulders sagged in something resembling defeat.

"You're right. It's my fault. I left. But I couldn't help it, Edward. I swear, I didn't…" She started rambling like normal. While it was usually cute, now it was just depressing. She couldn't find the right way to tell me she was completely turned off by my looks.

"It's not your fault."

"Of course it is." Her lips were drawn tight as she finally looked at me.

"You can't help that I look disgusting now."

"Right, I know that but…wait, what?" She stopped, somehow confused despite previously agreeing to my statement. "Did you say disgusting?"

"Yes."

"Edward, you think I'm disgusted by you?"

"I can see that you are despite trying to play it off."

"You don't know anything." She stormed out of the room leaving me even more confused and depressed than before.

Twenty minutes later Bella came back in.

"I think we should start over."

"What?"

"Like start over the day, start over our conversation. Is that ok?"

I didn't think it would help, let alone be possible, but I figured I'd go along just for the sake of appeasing Bella. So I nodded and watched as she seemed to try and physically shake off the weirdness between us.

"Hey, Edward!" Too cheerful. Especially with how worn-out she still looked.

"Hey, Bella." It was half-hearted at best.

"Wrong."

"Excuse me?"

"You should've said 'hey, _Shortcake_'." At her words, I grinned. So cute. But I immediately stopped when I noticed her eyes go all deer in headlights at me.

_Fuck, I almost forgot about the smile for five seconds. Bella made me forget._

"Hi, Shortcake." I focused on the flashing television, desperately needing to focus in on something else. I didn't know when I'd become such a goddamn pussy but I hated how weak I felt just now.

"You're lookin' good, Dr. C." Bella mimicked Lauren. It was pretty damn good and I would've laughed, only I heard those words and knew the lie behind them.

"No."

"What?"

"Just…no." I didn't want to hear her lie to try and console my stupid need for self admiration.

"Edward," Fuck, was that pity I heard in her voice? "You do look good."

"Whatever." I felt like a petulant child, moments away from pouting and crossing my arms or some shit.

"I wish…"

"Nurse Swan?" A redhead I'd never seen before poked her head in.

"Yes, Vanessa?"

"Mr. Banner in 301 is asking for you."

"Ok, I'll be right there."

The redhead left. Bella turned back towards me, opened her mouth as if to speak, then shut it. Without another word she left me, sour and questioning how she wanted to finish that sentence. She didn't come back the rest of her shift either.

--

The next day I was told Dr. Denali would be paying me a visit. Irina was the resident PT, the best Seattle had to offer. Plus she was all legs and big tits. So you know, bonus. She knew she was gorgeous with that white blonde hair and those ice blue eyes. She didn't flaunt it though. In fact, she seemed to try and hide it. I think all the male attention got to her. She never flirted, not even with me.

Naturally, I assumed she liked to munch box.

I was excited that Irina was coming in for a consult. In no time, I'd be up and walking around. Before it would have excited me to know I could work on charming Bella. But then, the whole smile situation happened. Now I was pretty sure I'd have to drop the lofty pussy dreams...not by choice but force. Having two working legs could carry me away from Bella to someone more…willing.

Bella came in and we both assumed an air of normalcy. Things still seemed tense between us but we both ignored the rather obvious, ugly elephant in the room. Me.

"Good luck with your first PT session."

"Thanks, Shortcake."

Not joking, laughing and just generally bullshitting around with Bella left me feeling…empty. Not something I was used to feeling, I didn't know how to make it go away. Nor did I understand just exactly _why_ I felt that way.

"Cullen, are you ready for a serious workout?" Irina came in, all boot camp Sarge on my ass.

"I'm only walking, how serious can it be?"

Turns out, very serious. The muscles in my left leg had weakened drastically. Everything hurt as exercise after exercise had me using a part of my body I'd basically forgotten about. James was right. I should've focused on my leg. Clearly, I had taken the use of it for fucking granted.

In pain, tired as hell, and grouchy as fuck from what I assumed lack of improvement, I took my aggression out on Irina. She was in the middle of helping me back into a wheelchair, going over stretches and lifts I could do from my own bed. Her tone suggested irritation and her words were clipped as she went through the different routines. Everything out of her mouth was a command. I didn't take that shit well. I snapped.

"So tell me, Irina. Do all the girls you sleep with enjoy this hard-ass routine?"

"Excuse me?"

"You know, do they like being _dominated_? Like it when you bend them over and use your strap…"

"Don't finish that sentence." Her voice was shrill. We'd never really gotten along, since she didn't appreciate my good looks like every other female. Again, she liked women, not men. But I don't think I'd ever gotten close to crossing that fine line of jokingly insulting and just plain being inappropriate. "You're _disgusting!_ I should slap your arrogant face and then slap your ass with a sexual harassment suit!"

Clearly, I had gone and done it. Shit.

"I was only kidding, Irina." Well, I was now at least. "Honestly. I'm sorry I lashed out. Tense day, you know? I didn't realize how hard this would be."

Some of her anger seemed to melt away.

"I can imagine. I work with people just like you every day. Try not to take it out on me though. Use that anger, filter it into your work-outs. Make it productive."

"Sounds much more beneficial than being sued for sexual harassment." I smiled, knowing I'd been forgiven.

Irina's face showed a similar reaction to Bella's upon seeing me smile. Round eyes and cheeks losing their color.

Fuck. Ugly smile. Remember?

Before I could get upset and scowl at her, however, I watched as she continued to respond. Her face transformed into something else. Her eyes grew soft, lidded. Her lips curled into a smile. Color returned to her face, blush staining her high cheekbones.

She looked…turned-on?

"Irina?"

"Yes, Edward?" Her accent came out thicker than normal. I had to test out what I was hoping was true. What I was fucking praying was the reason behind her reaction.

"I'm glad we're working together." Her eyes grew warm. "You're probably the only one who could handle me like this." Truer words…but I did wonder how she'd respond as I kept going. "And if I had to get hot and sweaty with anyone, of course I'd choose you."

"Oh, well…" Then Irina did something she almost never did when I blatantly flirted with her. She smiled. "I'm glad we're working together too."

What in the fuck was that?

_You know what that is. That right there is _lust. _She wants you._

But even with my smile?

_Especially with your smile. She didn't act that way until you grinned at her. And let's face it, when has she ever reacted this way to you? Never._

Could it be?

As I got wheeled back to my room, I made a point to smirk at every female I crossed paths with. The strangest, fucking best thing happened. Girls swooned left and right. Some woman, probably visiting a family member, walked right into a closed door. A nurse dropped the urine sample she was trotting off to the lab with. _Gross. _And even Nurse Murray flushed and stumbled through his greeting when I flashed my pearly whites at him.

Hey, I had to know how powerful my new smile was.

Because I had come to the realization that it _was_ powerful. And definitely not something to agonize over. My smile may be lopsided, but apparently that was sexy. I'd never had such a strong reaction. Never this strong of an appeal towards women. Which was saying something. Because my smile before had been perfect. But now it was better than perfect, if such a thing were even possible.

Panty dropping times ten.

But what about Bella? She had left so suddenly, so quickly, I may not have had time to see her full reaction. Like with Irina, maybe she'd have blushed that beautiful strawberry color and looked at me with longing. Either way, I couldn't fucking wait to see my Shortcake.

"Hello, Beautiful." I thought I'd deviate from the norm today.

"Beautiful?" Bella blushed not ten seconds after first stepping through the door. New record.

"Mhm. You look very lovely today."

Though she'd done nothing special, I wasn't lying. She was always lovely. And believing she could still want me made her look even better.

"Ok then...hello, handsome." Bella winked at me and it was so goddamn cute I laughed.

"You don't have to compliment me just because I did. This isn't tit for tat, Shortcake."

"I know." She frowned. "I was being sincere." She blushed harder and looked away, busying herself with the blinds on my windows.

"Well, in that case, thank you." I anticipated her gaze to come back to me after my show of gratitude. I didn't dish it out often. She'd be sure to look at me, probably try and figure out why I was being so nice. She didn't disappoint. Her head swiveled back towards me. I had a smile waiting for her.

"Y-y-you're welcome, Edward." Pale face, check. Wide eyes, check. I was waiting for more now.

"I like you calling me handsome. Maybe even more than 'Edward'." I didn't stop smiling once.

"I don't think I can go around calling you handsome, Edward."

"Why not? You said it was sincere."

"It's unprofessional."

"So is 'Shortcake.' Or calling you beautiful. Do you want me to stop calling you beautiful?"

"It would probably be for the best. We wouldn't want people getting the wrong idea." But her answering blush and coy smile told a different story.

_Ah!_

"Well, I won't tell if you won't." My smile grew into something purposely secretive, wicked...sexy.

Bella giggled at me, then looked shocked at her behavior. Her cheeks were so red I was sure I'd be able to feel the heat on my hands. As if hearing my thoughts, she brought her hands to her face. I didn't know if it was to cool her flaming cheeks or hide the blush.

Either way I liked it.

And either way she was _blushing._ Her eyes were soft, gorgeous, all liquid chocolate. She was also smiling, though I could tell she was trying to stop that. Full lower lip all pouting out begging for me to bite and suck it into my mouth.

"Edward, I..."

"Nuh-uh. I only answer to Handsome now."

"I'm not going to call you that!" She was half-shrieking, half-laughing.

"Why not?" My face was starting to grow tired from all the smiling. Whoever said it took more muscles to frown than smile clearly had never gone through anything like this before.

"Because." She was grinning like a fool. I wanted so badly to kiss her right now, in the midst of this silly playing around. And I could, no more mummy, but she was still with that tool. Patience...

--

Things between Bella and I got progressively better, yet simultaneously worse. We were chatting like normal, but with this flirtatious current weaving its way through everything we said and did. I fucking loved how she would pretend to be all embarrassed when I called her Beautiful, or fake annoyance when I asked her to call me Handsome. She always caved though, no matter how much she bickered. That's how I knew, knew there was something there between us. That something _more _I had been hoping for.

Still, though, I had to tread carefully. Because if I pushed things too far, if I was too inappropriate - because let's face it, that's an easy thing for me - she'd back off. Shortcake would go a little cold and distant. I knew it was because of her situation with her tool boyfriend. She was still with him. Still happily chatting about trip plans and bullshit. It made me angry. She needed to drop that loser like a bad habit and come back to my place...as soon as I could get out of the hospital that is. It was odd, how flirtatious she could be with me one second, only to switch to how excited she was to visit Jacob.

And then weirder still, sometimes she came in to check on me with this new nurse. Vanessa. Admittedly, she was rather pretty. Natural red, wavy hair. Green eyes. Nice rack from what I could tell. But she wasn't Bella. And so I kept all of my attention focused on Shortcake whenever they'd come in, despite her attempts at drawing the conversation to Vanessa. At first I thought it was simply due to the fact that Vanessa was new, much like Bella, and in need of assistance and a friend. But the more it happened, the more it seemed like Bella was trying to set something up.

That shit would not fly.

_You can't have your cake and eat it too, Shortcake. Either you want me or you don't. I know you want me. Drop the charade. _

A few days after my revelation, I was in bed trying to follow Irina's instructions. I needed the strength back in my leg. Like, right fucking now. PT sessions were grueling, but helpful. Stretching and moving my leg like Irina told me would help. I wasn't cocky or stubborn enough to not listen to her. Because I could see improvement. I could walk...sort of. I more like gimped my way around, knee shaking and trembling whenever I put weight on it. But it was improvement.

So as I lay there, all tired and shit, the strongest need to take a piss hit me. I tried to, I don't know, wait it out or something, for as long as possible. No longer having the use of a catheter - so much better, except in cases like this - I needed help getting to and from the bathroom. I normally tried to time things out so Bella would not be the nurse to assist me in my more base functions. Because if I needed to take a shit, I definitely did not want Bella knowing. Or hearing. Or god, smelling.

_Ugh. _

But I had downed close to 40 ounces of water in one go, wanting to keep myself hydrated before my next PT session. I had to piss like a race horse. There was no avoiding it. I hit the "call nurse" button, needing my Shortcake to hurry before I wet the bed. Because of course thinking about how bad I had to go only made things worse. I was told Bella was busy with another patient and to expect her shortly. I think I held out for a minute before the need to relieve myself got too unbearable. I decided to just throw caution to the wind.

I got up. Slowly. The side table would have to make do as a walker. So, leaning on it as much as I dared, I very carefully made my way to the bathroom. It was hell. If I leaned down too much, the table was sure to topple over, taking me with it. The whole ten feet walk was excruciating. When I finally made it to the toilet bowl, I wanted to cry from the relief of being able to put both hands down on the solid porcelain.

"Edward?" Shortcake's voice interrupted my long, drawn-out sigh of relief. "Edward, where are you?"

"Bathroom," I managed to grunt out.

"Why didn't you wait for me? You could've hurt yourse..." She stopped abruptly. I heard little giggles behind me. "Edward, do you feel a draft?"

_Huh? _Then I realized what she meant. Hospital gown does not equal adequate coverage. My ass was hanging out. _Fuuuck. _Worst of all, I was self-conscious about it. Did she like what she saw?

"Like what you see?" It was an honest question. I turned to see her face after she helped me over to wash my hands. She was biting her lower lip, eyes dancing with laughter. Not a good sign.

"Let's get you back in bed." No answer. Fucking fantastic.

Before I knew it, Bella's shift was over, with no more mention of my ass. Nurse Murray came by to wheel me over to Irina's office. I was looking forward to getting my leg back in shape, anxious to channel the pent-up energy somewhere beneficial. But when we left my room, I saw my Shortcake standing at the nurse's station. She was chatting with Vanessa. Neither saw me as we walked by, something that really upset me. I had lifted my hand to wave and was seconds away from opening my mouth to say hi when I heard my name.

"...walked in and there it was. Bam."

"Well? What did you think?" Both of the girls were giggling now. I had a pretty good idea what they were talking about.

"It's, er, nice." I could just make out the pink of her cheeks, Bella's face turned away from me as she spoke. "He's got a nice butt." I heard a little squeal that I imagined came from Vanessa. "Yeah, I know. He even has those dimples, you know, the ones right above the butt that..."

"You just want to press your fingers into while you get fucked?"

"Vanessa!" More laughter.

"Don't act like you weren't thinking the same thing."

I was too far away to see Bella's face without turning around. But I thought I heard her mutter "not the point" as Nurse Murray picked up the pace.

_Oh, hell yes!_

She liked what she saw. My sweet, little Strawberry liked my ass. And apparently my "back dimples." I didn't realize I had those. But hearing what Vanessa suggested Bella could do with them...

_I definitely don't mind if Shortcake does that while I fuck her. _

let it be known, all you who so crave a BPOV for this story, that i willingly offered up my writing for the FGB ran by ninapolitan, LolaShoes, and tby789. anniej13 bought up a PT outtake (the proposal, anyone?). so be expecting that soon. she's being very generous, allowing it to be shared. no one jumped for a BPOV outtake for taita. i'm partly to blame, bc i joined the auction late. and i didn't update before to let you all know, besides the a/n. still, there won't be any bpov in this story. sorry. perhaps when it's finished i will provide a few outtakes. til then, suffer like vampward does from bella's mental silence.

in other news: how did you like NM? i loved it. despite robward's wonky left nipple (my attention was directed somewhere a tad lower, if ya know what i mean *nudge nudge*) and jake calling bella "loca" *facepalm*

i would love to hear your thoughts on the chapter...did things happen like you thought? reviews are better than being de-cathed and taking a piss by yourself.


	11. You'll Be In My Dreams Today

**disclaimer: it's stephANIE not stephENIE.**

**a/n: HAPPY NEW YEAR! probably worst timing ever to update since i'm expecting half of you to be drunk right now. oh well, hopefully you just read it when more coherent. or you can read it while shit faced. maybe it'll make it better. last chapter i forgot to credit mskathy (i almost put an before that...fuckin twitter) for helping bring about the idea of edward's ass hangin out of his gown. we were chatting a loooong time ago about it. just now getting to use it. there is also another tidbit from that convo in here. i'll tell you at the end.  
super huge thanks to my beta arra584 who sits and holds my hand while she goes over what i wrote. she wants me to mention to you that this chapter is a "doozie." it is kinda...monumental (if you ask me) and i wanted to get it just right. i had most of this chapter written a long time ago. there were just a few scenes i was working and reworking until i got it as close to "perfect" as possible. **

**chapter title:  
"You'll Be in My Dreams Today" by Screeching Weasels. lyrics don't apply  
****chapter songs:  
"Enjoy Your Day" by Alkaline Trio (this song makes me sad)  
"Picture" by Goldfinger**

"Hey, Old Man." Ever since our previous conversation, Bella had taken to calling me that. Never Handsome. Unfortunately.

"Hi yourself, Beautiful." I heard her "tsk" in disapproval at the name. Like I cared.

"You know, ever since you discovered you're not ugly, you've gotten much more annoying. So arrogant."

"Telling me I'm not ugly is the same as telling me I'm handsome. You know that right?"

General denial in the form of grumbling came from my sweet Shortcake.

"I think I liked you better when you didn't talk to me."

"Liar." Her lips twitched ever so slightly.

"Well, I definitely prefer you all bandaged up to this."

"I think your pants are on fire, Shortcake." That caused an outright laugh from her.

I felt alarmingly _pleased _at the sound. Her laughter was contagious, light and beautiful. She needed to laugh more.

"Just shut up Edward."

--

"How's the leg?" My sweet little Nurse walked over to my left side and ran a hand along my leg. It was over the sheet but I still felt the intense burn in the wake of her hand.

_Do not get hard. Do not get hard. Do not get hard._

Her pretty, brown hair swung around her shoulders as she moved. It looked soft. I'd bet anything it _was _soft. And really all I wanted was to reach out and-

I watched in fascinated horror as my hand started…_petting _Bella's hair. _Oh god, it _is _soft. _My fingers began combing through each silky strand, the scent of strawberries wafting towards me. Her hair felt so good, so nice. So - shit, what was another way to say soft?

"Edward?"

_Oh, fuck. Think fast, dumbass._

And because I really am a dumbass, I said the first thing that popped into mind.

"Just seeing if you're scratch 'n sniff, Shortcake."

_God, what is _wrong _with me?_

"What, like some life sized version come to life for you to play with?" She laughed, thinking it all a joke.

"I wish." Whether I'd said it audibly or not, Bella didn't react. Thank Christ.

--

"I hear you're working well with Dr. Denali."

"Sure am."

"That's excellent news." Carlisle stood, shifting his weight from foot to foot, eyeing me warily.

"Was there anything else?"

"Edward, I…"

"Is this the part where you tell me where you're really running off to while Mom thinks you're visiting me?" He blanched at my words. Good. Asshole needed to be put in his place.

"Did you say anything to her?"

"No. Consider yourself lucky I don't bust your shit wide open – yeah, I swore, woo-fucking-hoo. But don't think for one second it was for your benefit. I'm only looking out for Mom."

"You love her so much. Always have." The color had returned to his face, eyes looking almost…happy.

"Yeah, well, someone has to."

"Knock, knock!" The dulcet tones of my Shortcake halted all conversation in the room. "Oh! I'm sorry Doctors Cullen. Shall I come back later?" Formal Nurse Bella Swan made me smile. Probably because I'd grown to know the real woman underneath the scrubs…well, sort of, anyway. The laid-back, blushing and giggling, casual Shortcake was so different. The contrast was laughable.

"No. Stay." I needed a Bella Buffer.

"Perhaps we can resume this conversation later then?"

Hearing my noncommittal "mhm," Carlisle left quickly.

"He looks so sad." Bella's eyes were trained on the door, as if she could see through it and fixate on the retreating form of my father. "Like he carries the weight of the world on his shoulders."

"It's probably the weight of regret."

"Oh?" She was keeping quiet but I knew she was eager for me to share more, give her something of an answer to the one question she was dying to know.

"You know, regret from realizing you're a shitty husband and father. The regret you feel from figuring out that you pretty much suck as a human being."

"Edward, did something…I mean, is everything…do you…?"

I flipped through the channels absentmindedly, waiting for her to pull her thoughts together.

"Hey! It's you! Look, you're on TV!" I pointed at the screen, chuckling as Bella's eyes widened in disbelief.

"Really? Why would I be on...?" She trailed off when she turned and saw the commercial.

"You're all pocket-sized and adorable, Shortcake."

"Oh my god. You are not funny at all!" But Bella was giggling at the Strawberry Shortcake commercial that was now ending.

_Perfectly timed distraction._

Or so I thought. Bella stopped laughing; her face turned serious.

"I won't push. But I'm here. You can trust me."

"I know." I really _did _know; something of a surprise since I trusted so few anymore. "And when I feel like talking, I'll let you know."

"Ok." She smiled, small and knowing, like she had some secret and wasn't sharing. "When you feel like it."

Bella left me confused at the look of triumph she tried tamping down. What was that about?

I thought back to the conversation.

_When I feel like it._

When. Not if.

Surely a simple slip of the tongue. Right? She couldn't possibly think I wanted to tell her. Right?

--

I had finally been cleared to bathe myself now that I was stable on my own two feet. No more sponge baths from my own mother, no more nurses standing nearby to assist in case I fell, no more _anyone_ keeping me from doing the one thing I wanted to do most.

_If I don't rub one out right fucking now, my balls are gonna fall off._

The hot water felt good against my tense muscles and I imagined how much better it would feel if Bella was the one easing the soreness out of me, rubbing my shoulders and back. My eyelids slid closed as I reached down to palm my now hard cock. Since I didn't have any visual stimulation, I'd have to rely on my imagination.

_Good thing it's pretty fucking vivid._

Bella was standing behind me, her tits pressed up against my back. I could feel how hard her nipples were. I wanted nothing more than to turn around and taste them, let my tongue drag against her rosy pink tips. But Bella had other things in mind. Or namely, one thing. _My _thing. My _cock. _She reached around in front of me and gripped my shaft, fingers not quite meeting each other, slowly stroking me.

_"God, you're such a tease." _I faked annoyance when really I fucking loved how she stretched it out.

_"I'm not a tease. I fully intend on finishing what I started."_

I looked down to where her hand was attached to my cock. I loved watching her touch me, play with me. So fucking hot.

_"Like this, baby?" _As if she didn't already know just how I liked it. Her strokes were hard and sure and she twisted her hand as she came up to my sensitive head.

_"Oh hell yes. Just like that." _

I reached out a hand to steady myself, feeling the cool tile against my skin. Bella's mouth was moving against my shoulders and back, lips sucking and tongue licking. I felt her teeth dig into my shoulder blade, making me groan out loud. She knew how much I loved it when she got a little rough.

_"Bella, baby, you gotta stop or I'm gonna cum right now." _I wanted this to last as long as fucking possible.

_"But Edward, I want to make you cum." _Her lips moved to my neck as she licked away the beads of water there.

_"Get on your knees and maybe I will." _I threw a smirk over my shoulder.

_"Why do you want me on my knees? Do you want me to suck your cock?"_

_"Fuck yes."_

She sank down on her knees right in front of me. But her eyes never left my face. She gave me a sultry stare as she brought her lips to my head. And I watched as her tongue swirled around it, finally licking up the precum that had collected.

I was groaning so loud the entire fucking hospital probably knew what was going on in here. Did I care? Hell no.

Bella took me into her mouth completely, swallowing me down her throat enough to have her nose touching my pubis. Her teeth lightly scraped against my shaft. I loved when she did that. One small hand went down to cup my balls, making them tighten with the need to shoot my load. She took me out of her mouth long enough to ask me one question.

_"Does this feel good, baby?"_

_"Fuck, Bella. So good." _

And then her mouth was back on my cock, taking me in as deep as I could go. She hummed lowly around me and I knew I was gonna lose it.

_"Goddamn." _I gripped her head and held her close as I fucked her mouth.

I came to the image of Bella licking me clean. It was pretty fucking amazing. Powerful after going so long. Aiming the showerhead at the tiles, I washed my jizz down the drain. My legs felt weak from the exertion. Thank God for the safety rail.

After composing myself some, I started questioning how wise it was to wank in the shower; especially with Bella so close by. She could've walked in at any time and overheard me…loving myself. Plus I didn't know how I'd be able to look her in the eyes without feeling bad. Not bad as in guilty. Bad as in even hornier than before.

Though I guess in a way I did feel kind of guilty. I had no idea how Bella would feel knowing I jerked off to fantasies about her. In my opinion, it wasn't creepy at all. It's not as if I had used strawberry lotion or something as lube to make me think about her more. I wasn't _that_ obsessed.

I managed to stumble back to bed, barely taking the time to dry off before throwing myself down and covering my body with the thin sheet.

"Edward?" Bella's voice came through the crack in the door. "Is this a bad time?"

"Not at all." What a weird question.

Shortcake came in quickly, eyes lowered to the floor. Her cheeks were the sweetest, faintest pink. I wanted to touch my fingers to them, feel the warmth and softness there.

"Did you need anything before I take off?" She looked up and gave me a soft smile. I willingly returned it, thinking she was the picture of beauty standing there despite her ugly hospital attire.

"No, I'm good." The laughter came out before I could stop it. What else did I need? Relaxed, almost sluggish after cumming, I was content.

Only, looking at Bella I felt as if there _were _something else I needed. I had the strongest urge to pull her towards me, hold her against my body while I rested. I wanted to…cuddle? I'd never wanted that before.

--

"You'll love her, Edward. She's great."

I seriously doubted that. No one could top my Shortcake. Besides me, of course. I would definitely top her.

"Whatever."

"Don't be like this."

"Like what?"

"All pouty and...and _childish!_ Why are you so upset?"

Like I could tell her the truth. Like I even knew the truth anymore. Everything was starting to get jumbled.

"I've just grown so accustomed to your nursing style. I don't like change."

That and I didn't want her anywhere near that tool. I wanted her to myself, goddamn it.

"Vanessa has great bedside manner."

I suppressed an eye roll. Who gave a fuck about her bedside manner? Really, the only one I cared about was Bella's. Besides, talking about beds and shit made things worse. I'd be stuck in this hospital bed while Bella went to share one with that fucking tool.

_Ugh_.

_Why am I getting so worked up?_

"Whatever."

"You won't even notice I'm gone."

"Whatever, Bella. It's cool." The fact she said that just showed me how oblivious she was to her own charms.

"Stop saying 'whatever,' Edward. It's really annoying. Are you trying to make me feel guilty or something? Aren't you happy I get to go home?"

I cringed at the word. Months in Seattle and she still saw Arizona as home? And I expected her to leave her boyfriend for me?

_I am one hopeless fuck._

"You're right." I was amazed at my words. Was I really trying to be a bigger person? "I'm happy for you. I guess I'll just miss our daily visits. I'll..." why was it so hard to swallow all of a sudden, "miss you."

There was a beat of silence.

"Me too, Edward. I'm really going to miss you."

I swear my heart fucking stopped in my chest. The feeling was painful yet not. Intense, overwhelming; ice in my blood, yet fire in my chest.

It was amazing.

She said she'd miss me and I wanted to turn cartwheels or some shit. Hearing her admit that almost made her leaving worth it.

_My smile right now could probably light up the entire city. Goddamn pussy that I've become. _

"So." Bella looked uncomfortable now. "Try to be nice to Vanessa ok? She's really great and I just know you'll like her if you give her a chance."

Sure, Vanessa seemed nice enough. Also dirty. I hadn't forgotten what she said about my back dimples – which as soon as possible I had checked out for myself - or her suggestion of how to use them. Dirty girls were a good thing. At least, they usually were.

But I'd grown fond of the somewhat shy and innocent Bella who would never say that at work. Hell, she'd hesitated even telling Vanessa that my ass was nice.

So while it was normally something I'd go for, I doubted I would chase after Vanessa's pussy too.

_Just why the fuck not? It's like you've set Shortcake's pussy up on a goddamn pedestal._

I wouldn't settle for anything else_._

_Jesus, does that mean no tail until you get Bella?_

I…?

--

"Have a good flight, Shortcake." I felt like I was saying goodbye for good. Like this was the end, like things would change.

"Thanks, Edward. Keep up the good work with your PT. By the time I come back, you'll be walking like a pro."

Yeah, walking away from here. Damn it.

"Bye, Beautiful."

"Bye," she waved and walked towards the door, "Handsome." Then she was gone before I had a chance to say anything.

_Handsome._

It's like she could sense what I felt. Why else call me handsome? Confused, nervous, jealous, angry, worried…sad. A complete fucking array of emotions were battling it out for dominance. When was the last time I had felt so many things at once? When was the last time I'd come close to feeling anything really strong at all?

Even if she said it to ease me, she said it. For now that was enough.

_For now? What's for later?_

--

"Hello, Edward. How are you feeling today?"

"Dr. Cullen."

"I'm sorry?"

"It's Dr. Cullen."

"Oh." Overhearing Shortcake call me by my first name, I'm sure Vanessa thought she could take the same liberty.

"I'm fine. So you don't have to stick around."

"Yeah, ok." But she didn't leave. In fact, she sidled up next to me and began poking and prodding.

"Do you mind?"

"Nope."

"Ow! Stop." Fucking hell, this girl did _not _have good bedside manner. Bella was very, very mistaken.

"So, Edward, are you sure you're ok?"

"Didn't I tell you to call me Dr. Cullen?"

"As a matter of fact, you didn't." What the fuck? "You just told me your name was Dr. Cullen. Which I already knew." If I could have, I would be growling at her.

"I don't like you."

"Figured as much. Don't worry. I'll break the news to Bella."

"What? What does Bella have to do with anything?"

"Not like I really think she believed you'd be interested."

"I'm confused." My head was starting to hurt from her useless prattling.

"Doesn't seem like that's a hard feat."

"Do you have any idea who I am?" Maybe this Vanessa chick didn't recognize my name. I was kind of a big deal around here.

"Sure I do. The question is, do I care?" I just stared at her, all slack jawed and disbelieving. How could she be so fucking _rude _to me. It was not an attractive trait at all. "Anyway, like I was saying, I'll tell Bella and then she'll realize her attempts were misguided." The strangest expression crossed her features, making her look almost evil. Scary.

"Misguided? How?"

"See ya later, Eddie."

--

"Alice, what are you doing here?"

"I'm breakin' you outta this prison."

All my doctors had agreed, I'd served my time. Everything had healed or was healing nicely. There was no longer any need to stay here.

So why was I so upset?

_Bella._

Bella. Bella. Always Bella. She had been a constant presence in my thoughts since she left. Ok, so she'd been a constant long before then. But everything had gotten exponentially worse since her vacation away from Seattle.

My time with her was over. It had to be. She was in Arizona. And now, like I had feared, I was being released while she was away. I just had the worst feeling that when she came back from vacation, things would be different. How could they not? When I came back to work, I'd probably never see her. There was no reason for me to come into contact with her again. I'd be in Trauma, after all.

I didn't want to go home. I'd gotten so comfortable here; gotten used to being taken care of. I'd even gotten used to all the ambient noises the hospital provided. Beeping machines, nurses chatting, squeaking wheels and shoes…

Funny how the things that had once driven me crazy now seemed almost comforting.

I attributed a lot of that to my Shortcake. She helped curb some of my more unseemly attributes. No way could I deny that she had some weird power over me. And not just the lure of her body. It was time I was honest with myself. One hundred percent honest.

I liked Bella. Not just cared, but liked.

_Fuck, I _like _like her._

Not just as a person but in much more dangerous ways. The kind of like that made you insanely and irrationally jealous. The kind of like that gave you a reason to get up in the morning. The kind of like that kept you up wondering if she was thinking of you. The kind of like that...

_Jesus Christ, I am a woman._

This feeling was so foreign to me. Sure I'd liked girls before, but not like this. This was weird. This was…right.

_My head hurts. _

--

"Almost there." Alice was all chipper and shit as she wheeled me towards the exit. Even though I knew it was protocol, being confined to a wheelchair made me feel stupid.

"Did you draw the short straw or something?" She gave me a questioning look. "How'd you get stuck with picking me up today?"

"Edward, I'm seriously hurt. You think this was forced on me? I offered." Likely story. "Besides, Mom and Dad had a meeting they couldn't back out of," _meeting for what? _"...and Emmett is with Rosalie. And since you and Rosalie, ya know, pretty much hate each other's guts…"

"Like I said. Stuck with me."

Alice frowned down at me but didn't say another word. We'd reached our destination, standing – or in my case sitting- in front of the huge automatic doors. Alice had told me she'd driven over the rental car given me by my insurance. But all I saw was a silver car that seriously could not be mine.

"What the fuck is that?" The nurse that was with us glowered at my foul language.

"Your car." The "duh" was implied in Alice's tone of voice.

"I'm supposed to drive around in a fucking Volvo?"

"Your insurance company insisted that Volvos are a very reliable and _safe _car. Plus it's an automatic so you don't have to worry about your leg. It seemed like a good fit."

Was she trying to imply I needed help when it came to driving? The accident that landed me in this fucking shit-hole was not my fault.

Alice drove me home, texting Jasper on the way to let him know she needed a ride back. Talk about unsafe. Texting while driving? The girl was just begging to get in an accident. But we managed to make it in one piece. She all but flew into my assigned spot and helped guide me to the elevator.

"Don't worry, I've been bringing the mail in for you." I hadn't worried. Mail never even crossed my mind.

"Thanks for helping me out, Alice."

"No problem. What are sisters for?" I was about to respond when Alice glanced down at her phone. "Oh! Jasper's outside. We have reservations at Brasa. So I can't stay and chat, but hit me up if you need anything!"

She was headed out the door before I could utter a single word. Nice.

The next day, I made the slow and arduous journey to my parking garage. The _Volvo _sat in my spot, where my baby once resided, all silver and stupid-looking. As I unlocked the thing, I was overwhelmed by how much I did not want to drive it.

_I think I'll just take the bus today._

But today turned into the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that. Every time I gimped over to that ugly car, I shuddered at the idea of driving it.

Probably because it was an insult to my baby's memory.

And I mean, it never hurt to take public transportation. I was doing Mother Earth a favor by, essentially, carpooling. Green is good. And all that.

--

My nights were plagued with frightening dreams. Ok, so I guess they were more like nightmares, but I would never admit that to anyone. Sometimes I would be stranded on the side of a road. Other times I was zipped up in a body bag, trapped. No matter where I was though, one constant remained.

Bella's voice. A whisper really. And no matter what I did I could never find her.

And every time I woke up, my head hurt and I was left confused as fuck at my dreams. I wondered if James would write me up a prescription for Zolpidem. Anything to knock me the fuck out so I didn't have whacked out dreams.

Needless to say, a week at home and already I was feeling completely out of sorts. My sleep was for shit. I looked like shit. Everything around me was just…shit. What I wouldn't give to have someone to vent to.

Not someone. Bella. What I wouldn't give to talk to Bella. She'd know what to say, know what to do. She had to be coming home soon, right? But where did that leave me? I didn't think we had the type of "relationship" that would make it normal for me to confide in her. And really, now that I was no longer one of her patients, would she care?

I had just finished my PT session with Irina. Her flirting and pick-up lines were getting old. I wanted to do my exercises and leave. But Lauren had taken to staking out the area since she heard of my release. So even when I was done with Irina, I got no relief. I swear to God if she pushed her tits at me one more time I was gonna go ape-shit crazy.

My feet took me to the nurse's station just outside my old room. Elizabeth was there, head bent over and nose practically smudging the ink on her paperwork.

"Working hard, or hardly working?" I chuckled as she seemed to pop straight up from her desk.

"Oh Edward, when will you realize you are not even the least bit funny?"

"You know you love me." I hobbled around to join her. Plopping down on a chair I was able to prop my foot up next to her.

"Whatever you say, Cullen Jr." She stood up slowly, age and long hours at work taking a toll on her body. "You can stay and hide...I mean, rest, for awhile. I've got shit to do."

The hallway was uncharacteristically empty. I was grateful for the solitude. My body calmed at the familiar surroundings and before I knew it I was dozing in the chair. Loud footsteps woke me and I looked up in time to see several of the nursing staff running towards one of the occupied rooms.

_Wonder what's going on in there?_

In desperate need of some caffeine to wake me up, I wandered over to the vending machines. The coffee here was shit but potent. As I held the styrofoam cup under the spout, I thought I heard a noise behind me. When nothing followed it, I decided I was a little _too_ tired.

_Definitely stopping by James' before I leave._

"Edward, is that you?"

I dropped the cup, astonished to be hearing a voice that was now just familiar in my dreams.

"Bella?"

In my eagerness to see my wonderful Shortcake, I spun around a little too fast. She had to rush over to my side in order to keep me from tipping over. Her hands were on my shoulders. Her hands were on _me_ and it felt really nice. My smile was unavoidable.

"What are you doing here?" She hadn't moved her hands yet.

"Just finished my PT session." Her hands were still on me.

"It's good to see you." She sounded sincere and her hands were still on me.

"God, Shortcake, I've missed you." Not thinking, I pulled her closer, wrapping my arms around her. There wasn't even a hint of tension as I lowered my head down so my cheek rested atop her head. She smelled so good. Strawberries. The scent I'd missed for over a week now. And when my fingers dug into her back, Bella seemed to almost melt into the embrace.

"Oh, Edward." She moved her head back, forcing me to move mine as well. "How are you?" We were facing each other now, arms still wrapped loosely around each other.

"I'm good." Now. "I'm glad you're back."

Before I realized what was going on, I had stepped closer to her, bringing my lips to hers. Only when I heard and felt Bella's lips form a gasp did I understand just what I'd done. My eyes went to hers, seeing surprise in the beautiful brown eyes in front of me. Her lips were still slightly parted, full and sexy. And once again, my body took over my actions. I kissed her again...softly, sweetly.

"Edward..." My name was a sigh on her lips. The sound of it was so perfect. A fire ignited within me.

Any self-restraint I had was gone. Everything I had felt up until this point crashed down on me at once. All I could do was close any remaining distance between us. My mouth crashed down on hers, sucking her lips between mine and really getting the chance to taste how incredible she was. I kept my eyes open only long enough to see hers flutter closed. Her lips began to move with mine, making my heart race. She wanted this as badly as I did.

I lightly touched the tip of my tongue to her lips, then let it trace around her perfect cupid's bow. She was all strawberries on my tongue, and when she parted her lips to let me deepen the kiss, in my mouth. My tongue slid against hers slowly. I wanted to savor this kiss. For the first time in my life, I wanted to go slow and fully enjoy every sensation she caused in my body.

Bella whimpered against my lips, the sound making me tighten my arms around her. I felt her hands move up to my hair, grabbing fistfuls and holding me against her mouth. As if I would move away. I wanted to pick her up and push her against the wall. I wanted her to feel every part of me, feel how hard I was for her. Fuck, I wanted to pull her into an empty room and fuck her in one of the hospital beds.

But as soon as Bella's hands were in my hair, they were gone. She placed them back on my shoulders. She drew back her head, effectively stopping the kiss. I didn't want it to end, didn't want to let her go. But her hands were gently pushing against me and I knew my time was up.

When I opened my eyes, I noticed how wide hers were. But her lips were no longer parted in shock. They were pressed together tightly. Did she regret it?

"Edward, I don't know what…I mean to say…That shouldn't have…" Her eyes closed again, but not before I saw the pain in them.

Holy shit, what had I done?! She had a boyfriend. I didn't mean to let that happen. It's not what I had intended. I didn't want to feel sorry for experiencing the single, fucking best kiss I'd ever had. But I was. Because I had obviously hurt her or made her uncomfortable.

"I'm sorry." And as quickly as my legs could handle, I got the hell away from there.

* * *

**i wanna run away and hide now. for cereals. i'm scared and literally biting my nails. i need your feedback. and if you have questions i will GLADLY answer. review/pm/tweet me (creampuffsteph) and i'll hit you up with a response.  
mskathy, the scratch n sniff was all you bf.  
if you want to see some visual...stimulation...for this chapter, i advise you check out my blog 4theluvofmary(dot)wordpress(dot)com. ;)**


	12. Do You Sleep

**disclaimer: it's stephAnie, not stephEnie.**

**a/n: i suck. i'm sorry. you know who doesn't suck tho? my beta arra584 who, despite school, work, and other RL fail, sits down to help me through my chapters and make them better. you all have her to thank...or curse...**

**chapter title comes from the song by Lisa Loeb "Do You Sleep." i almost chose jesse mccartney's "how do you sleep" but then i'd have to admit having that song on my ipod and i mean... :X**

**chapter songs:**  
**Stare by Marjorie Fair**  
**Days Go By by Dirty Vega**  
**Only In Dreams by Weezer**When I made it home, I let the humiliation I'd been keeping at bay finally wash over me.

* * *

_I can't believe you just _kissed _her like that! What were you _thinking?!

That was the problem...I wasn't. I just saw and…

Vivid images of our kiss flooded my mind. I could still feel how smooth her lips were against mine – a result of all that strawberry goop she used. I could still _taste _her lips. The feel of her tongue on mine was un-fucking-believable.

God! For a few short but sweet seconds, she'd kissed me back and I'd thought she wanted me too.

But of course she didn't want me. What was I to her anyway?

_Just what the fuck is _she _to _you?

She was –

_She's nothing. Just another chick. Don't waste your time._

But she wasn't just some random girl. And that kiss –

_Meant nothing to her. Sure it was good. But so what? It's time to cut your losses. Move on._

I didn't think I could just move on anymore.

_You can. And you will._

Sick of arguing with myself, I swallowed down two Zolpidem.

_Thank you, James._

--

My dreams that night were even more fucked-up than before. I'm talking, straight-up hallucinations, like some bad trip. I woke up more freaked out than ever.

Bella and I were kissing, a good enough start to any dream, but all of a sudden, her mouth was unhinging as she spoke.

"_I want to taste you, Edward."_

Then she swallowed me whole. _Not _in a good way. As she literally ate me, I could see the path my body took down her throat and into her stomach.

Fucking scary shit right there.

Figures I'd have a messed-up side effect to Zolpidem.

I hated that my sleep was so disturbed, so disjointed. There wasn't really a reason behind it, or so I figured.

All I knew was if I didn't get my shit together, Stevens would keep me out on leave even longer. Which was a whole other source of frustration right there. Logically, I knew my body wasn't ready for the return to work. Long hours on my feet would take one motherfucking toll on my healing leg. The frantic pace of the ER was probably a little more than I could handle at the moment. But my head was _more _than ready to get back into the game. I wanted, no..._needed_, the distraction. Plus I figured working my ass to the bone would help me sleep easier. If I was _dead_ tired I should sleep like the _dead_, right?

Of course none of that really mattered when I woke up sweating and panting in fear at 3 in the morning.

--

Emmett dropped by the next day to help pick out a new car for me. I hadn't told him the Volvo sat virtually untouched in the garage. For some reason, I hesitated letting him know I was taking the bus to make my PT appointments. Probably because he'd make fun of me or something.

"So what are you looking for now, my man?"

"I don't know, Emmett." He'd barely been here ten minutes and I was already annoyed.

"You've gotta have some idea at least. Lemme help you."

"I want my baby back. But that's not gonna happen. Is it?"

"Well…no, it's not. But I'm sure we can find something just as good. Unless you _like _driving a Volvo around town. I'm sure the ladies really dig it."

"Shut the fuck up."

"For real though, how is that car for you? Driving alright? It wouldn't be my first choice that's for sure, but it's a set of wheels at least."

"Right."

"So?"

"So…nothing. It's a Volvo. Doesn't that pretty much sum things up?"

Emmett laughed, assuming I was just being a car snob, not avoiding the question. He sat down next to me and started pulling up different car sites on my laptop. Car after car flashed in front of my eyes, but I just wasn't interested.

"What about a 1967 Shelby GT350? Rebuilding one of those would be kick ass. Do you think you could handle such a fine piece of machinery? I don't know if you're man enough to drive this though. You'd probably wreck it." Emmett's eyes were closed from laughing at his little jab.

Lucky for me. He missed the slight shiver that ran down my spine.

He mentions a car wreck and I practically shake like a little girl. I wasn't afraid to drive. Was I?

Emmett left, no closer to finding a car for me, and I was left wondering at my reaction.

"I'm not a little bitch. I can drive any goddamn car I want to." I spoke out loud…to myself…maybe because I needed to hear some positive affirmation or some shit.

I'm. Not. Scared.

--

Ten minutes had passed and I had yet to move. I was sitting in the Volvo for the first time since being home. The seat was adjusted to my height, the rearview mirror perfectly in place, the keys in the ignition. I just couldn't bring myself to start the car.

"I don't know why I'm being so stupid." Again with the talking to myself.

My hand was on the key. I was going to turn it. Put the fucking thing in reverse. Pull out of the garage. Drive away.

But my cell rang.

"Hello?"

"Edward, how are you?"

"Good, Mom." Well, as good as I could be.

"I was wondering if I could stop by."

"Sure." My response was a little too enthusiastic.

"Great! When?" And mom was sounding a little too excited. Still…

"Now is perfect."

I took the key out of the ignition, exited the car and locked up for the night. I'd go for a drive the next day.

--

I had a hard time sleeping again. I refused to take more Zolpidem when it just induced scary as hell dreams. No thank you.

It was past midnight though, and I needed sleep. So I went searching through my place in hopes of finding my own personal sleep aid.

I started with my sock drawer. I'd always kept my stash there growing up. Still did. Old habits and all. As luck should have it, I found a dime size hidden away. But the relief quickly left when I realized I'd bought it months before my accident.

Goddamn.

Sure I'd probably still get high but I was doubtful it would smoke smoothly. I tossed the weed back in my drawer. I'd deal with that later. And I'd be paying Laurent a visit tomorrow.

_There's always the option of drinking until you pass out._

Only I was currently on Percocet. And I wasn't that far gone to mix both.

_Of course there's always _that. _The Percocet._

So I popped a couple and walked back to my bed. A bed that felt too big and empty. A bed that Bella would look really good on...naked.

Having felt her pressed against me as we kissed gave me a better mental image of her. All that smooth skin, flushed with desire, legs spread and ready for me.

--

Someone was knocking at my door. Loud, insistent knocking. The kind of knocking that made you rush to the door to see what the emergency was.

So of course it took me forever to reach it.

I was rewarded for my patience though. Because right outside my door stood Bella, breathless and flushed.

"Edward." God, I loved the way she said my name.

"Bella, what are you doing here?" I wanted to smack myself for even asking. Who the fuck cared what she was doing here? She was fucking here!

"I can't stop thinking about you. About the way you kissed me." She stepped inside, placed her hands on my chest and grabbed on to my shirt. "I want you to kiss me like that again."

"What about Jacob?" Again with the stupid questions. _Just kiss her._

"I left him. He's not you. I only want you."

No more explanations were needed. I lowered my head to Bella's and kissed her like I'd been thinking about ever since that first time. She wasted no time at all in pushing her tongue into my mouth, sliding her hands up behind my neck, and raising herself up on tip toes so she was better aligned with me. Even still my cock was pressed against her lower belly, wanting to be between her thighs instead.

"I want you, Edward...right now."

Cupping my hands under her ass, I lifted Bella up until she could wrap her legs around me. When I felt the heat from her pussy against me, I moaned.

"Bet you're so wet for me."

I carried her to my room, all but throwing her down on my bed. Clothes were torn in our haste to get naked.

"God, baby, I wanna fuck you so bad."

"What are you waiting for then?"

She spread her legs for me. I saw how wet she was for me, all glistening and pink, ready for me. The sight made my cock weep for joy, drops of precum leaking from the tip. I hovered over her, using my right hand to help guide me inside what I knew would be warm, wet and tight as hell…

I woke up with my hand firmly gripping my morning wood. I didn't know if I'd tried to jack off and passed out before I got the chance or if I just subconsciously stroked myself while dreaming of Bella.

--

It was raining when I left for my PT appointment. I decided the conditions were a little too dangerous for driving so I took the bus again.

Hydroplaning was no laughing matter.

By the time I'd stepped off the bus and it had pulled away, I realized my umbrella was still sitting on the seat next to the one I'd previously occupied.

"Fuck."

Running was clearly not an option on my gimp leg. So I briskly walked to the entrance, getting completely drenched in the process. I could feel the water squelching in my socks and shoes. Nothing was worse than wet socks.

I heard splashing behind me as I neared the door, but didn't turn to see what or who was making the noise. All of a sudden the rain above me stopped. Looking up, I saw a polka dot umbrella over me.

"Edward." She was out of breath and pink-cheeked. The sight, so like my dream, made me stop. "For someone with a bum leg, you sure do walk fast." She laughed and leaned in close to nudge my side. Her proximity allowed me to catch her scent, the smell of strawberries intensified somehow.

_Fuck she smells so good in the rain._

"Yes, well, I left my umbrella on the bus and I don't really like getting wet."

"The bus?"

She was pressed up to my side, so close. All I had to do was wrap my arm around her and pull her to my front. It would take little effort to lean down and kiss her. God, how I wanted to kiss her. But she didn't want that, now did she? She'd just pull away again and leave me feeling shittier for even thinking she wanted me.

Bella began walking, threading her arm through mine to get me walking too.

"What are you doing?"

"Walking. What does it look like?" I couldn't believe how casual she was after how we'd parted ways last time. "Look, you forgot your umbrella. I have mine. Let's share."

Only, I knew if I was this close to her for much longer I'd do something really stupid. Like drag her somewhere secluded and out of the rain so I could have my wicked way with her. Or something as simple as take hold of her hand while she helped me to the hospital.

"That's ok. I'm already soaked anyway." I pulled free of her arm.

"Edward." She sounded almost sad.

"Forget it. It's pointless." I hurried on, only looking back once to see her still standing in the parking lot.

Didn't she get it? Didn't she understand how hard it was to be near her after that kiss? She had to know now that I liked her. Why else would I have just attacked her? And now she was acting like nothing had happened. How could she act like nothing happened?

--

"Where's Laurent?"

"Well hello to you too." James was sitting in the cafeteria, newspaper in one hand, coffee in the other.

"Hello." I waited a beat to see if he'd answer my question. "So?"

"Why are you looking for Ben? You never willingly seek his company unless-" James trailed off, lost in thought. I shifted uncomfortably knowing he'd figure it out. When his eyes narrowed and lips curled up in disgust, I knew he had. "Edward."

"What?" I didn't like the accusing tone in his voice.

"You're 35 for chrissake."

"It's medicinal." Sort of.

"You can't possibly think that's ok. Medicinal? Really?"

"I do. And it is." Just not by any FDA standards.

"Glaucoma?"

"No."

"Cancer then."

"No…"

"Then it's not and you shouldn't fucking smoke."

"You don't get it. It's not like I just want to get high."

"What's it for then? Because I can't think of one good reason why you'd need marijuana, Edward."

"I don't need to tell you what it's for. You're not my boss or my father. For fuck's sake, James."

"You're right, I'm not either of those things, thank God. But whether you think so or not, I'm your friend and I'm not going to stand here and let you fuck up your career just because you're not coping well." James was on a roll, righteous indignation radiating from his firm "Just Say No" stance.

"It's not about coping, goddamn it. You don't understand."

"Then make me understand."

"I can't sleep. Okay? I can't fucking sleep."

_Did I just say that out loud?_

"What?"

"I can't sleep." My mouth kept moving even though my brain was shouting to shut the fuck up. I didn't want James to know anything about my problems. "I can't sleep because of the nightmares. Every time I fall asleep I have these fucked-up dreams that wake me up and scare the shit out of me. The Zolpidem makes them worse. So I can't take those. I can't drink because of the Percocet. And soon I'm going to run out of those because I'm using them to knock me out. I need it, James. I need something."

I was breathing heavily from that little outburst. Not to mention I couldn't even look James in the eye anymore. It was silent for a few tense seconds.

"Ben's off today."

"Oh. Okay then." I needed to get out of there. Fast.

"Edward, I'm worried about you."

"I'm fine." Not really.

"No, you're not. Not by a long shot. You should talk to someone, man. It'll help."

"Bye, James." For the second time I was walking away before I did something stupid. Something stupid like breaking down in front of a colleague, a man I kind of respected.

--

"You're looking good, Edward."

I tried to ignore the double meaning to Irina's words.

"Thanks." I busied myself with refilling my water bottle, toweling off the sweat, anything to not look at Irina. I was afraid I'd accidentally send the wrong message if I so much as made eye contact. Having to reject my physical therapist would not be good.

Irina made some sort of huffing noise behind me. Whether it was impatience or disappointment, I didn't know. Also didn't care.

"See you tomorrow."

"Yeah sure."

My intense need to get the fuck out of there diminished when I saw Bella pacing the hallway just past the PT department. I opened the door as slowly as I could, hoping to not catch her attention. She was too far away to notice much, especially with her head down. But I still managed to hear her rambling.

"…It's just I know you don't have your umbrella and I thought…No, that sounds stupid, Bella."

I had to stifle a chuckle as she shook her head and used the palm of her hand to lightly smack her forehead.

"…We need to talk, Edward…Crap, that doesn't sound good."

_No it doesn't._

_We need to talk _was never a good start to _any _conversation. She probably wanted to tell me what a fucking retard I was for even thinking it was ok to kiss her.

"How does someone say-" _Say what? _"something like that?" _Like what?!_

"Edward?"

Irina's voice interrupted my eavesdropping. And unfortunately Bella heard too because her head popped up at the sudden break in silence. Her eyes widened when she realized I was staring at her.

"Fuck," I muttered under my breath.

"Edward?" Bella was walking towards me.

"Did you need something before you go?" Irina was closing the distance between us as well.

I was trapped. Behind me stood a beautiful, intelligent woman...one I didn't want. But one who very likely would love my attention. In front of me was an even more beautiful and intelligent woman. The woman I wanted. The woman I couldn't have because she was with someone her own age, someone she'd known and been with for so long. She didn't want me.

So…leave and face Bella's rejection? Or duck inside and deal with Irina's advances?

"Yeah, I was just thinking it might be nice to get together sometime after my therapy is done with." I spoke over my shoulder so Irina would know I was talking to her. But I made sure to keep looking at Bella to see her reaction.

Her face fell, a faint tint of pink on her cheeks. She would have looked perfect standing there if not for the frown. She looked sad. Why did she look sad?

"That sounds great, Edward." Irina was practically on top of me as she spoke in my ear.

Determined to find out what had Bella looking so down, I said my goodbyes to Irina without acknowledging her further. I regretted the lie about wanting to get together later. That would no doubt come back to bite my ass.

The few seconds it took me to get rid of Irina were enough for Bella to slip away unnoticed.

_Shit, Bella, what were you going to say?_

_How 'bout you grow a pair, you pussy. Who cares? It's time to move on. _

I had tried that once before though. It didn't work then so how could I be so sure it would now?

--

The rain had let up while I was inside so luckily my walk to the bus stop was a relatively dry trip. The ride home was innocuous and I spent the time thinking of how I could forget about someone who had basically been a daily presence in my life the past few months.

_Ah, but she's not now. You don't see her every day. You don't even have to see her once a week if you decide not to._

I didn't like the thought of not seeing Bella. My Shortcake. But she wasn't mine so why the fuck should I pine? It would help me get over her once and for all. I could leave her to lead the life she wanted. There'd be no "old man" to screw up her happy relationship or make work a living hell if I pulled a fuck-and-duck.

I spent the rest of the day trying to watch TV or read. No one called and no one visited. I used to like the solitude. Today it just afforded me the ability for wandering thoughts.

And guess where those thoughts wandered?

It was only 7 pm when I decided sleep would be an appropriate respite from the drab existence my life had become. I swallowed down a few more Percocet, noticing my dwindling supply, and went to bed.

What was I going to do when I ran out? No way would any of the doctors on staff write me a new prescription. James would no doubt be watching me in regards to Laurent. And alcohol-induced stupors usually meant hangovers, not something I needed if I was trying to get serious about my return to work.

My mind didn't have time to work out a solution though because I was asleep within minutes.

--

"Bella, tell me what you wanted to say earlier at the hospital." I was back at the hospital, my desire to see her too strong to stay away. Luckily we were alone. I didn't think I'd have the courage to do this in front of an audience.

"What?"

"When Irina interrupted. What were you going to tell me?" Because I had to know. I was sick of sitting at home, frustrated, anxious, and just all around out of my mind.

"It's not important, Edward." She was so wrong. How could she not see how wrong she was?

Bella made to walk away from me, but I reached out to stop her. When my hand touched the bare skin of her arm, I felt a sizzle of energy course through me. I was going to do it. Tell her.

"It is to me, Shortcake." Her eyes met mine and the energy I'd felt from her touch only intensified. I wondered if she felt it too, wondered if this moment was as significant to her as it was to me.

"Why is it so important to you? Why do you care?"

"Because I like you, Bella, more than I should."

* * *

**ty everyone for the pms and emails and tweets (i'm looking at you ciaobella27), giving me a boost to hurry the fuck up and write. and also to those who review and lmk what they like and what they don't. i take all of your words to heart. **

**if you think this was a bad "cliffie" you have no idea where i wanted to stop things. *skips away***


	13. I'm a Terrible Person

disclaimer: stephAnie, not stephEnie

a/n: what? is this...could it be...already? yup, this is happening. sorry that i didn't respond to all your reviews. i wrote instead.  
as usual, major big thanks to my lovely beta and friend arra584. she makes everything pretty.

Chapter title: "I'm a Terrible Person" by Rooney.  
Chapter songs: "Auf Achse" by Franz Ferdinand  
"Hurt You" by The Sounds (for both E and B)

and now...be prepared to hate me...but hopefully not for long. X(

* * *

"You like me?"

"Yes, Beautiful. I like you."

"Like-"

"Like I want you. And maybe even I want to _be_ with you. But you have a boyfriend."

"Jake."

"Yeah him."

It was quiet for too long and I feared for what Bella was thinking.

"Dr. Cullen-"

"Oh, please don't start that again. I'm sorry if I've made you uncomfortable but I don't want you calling me that."

"Dr. Cullen…"

But then the voice changed and I woke with a start realizing it was just a dream. Of course it was. Because there was no way I had the balls to do that in real life.

"…if you would please call back at your earliest convenience…"

Someone from the hospital was leaving a message. I played it back and felt a sick sense of relief that it was Irina's assistant calling to cancel. That meant I didn't have to go to the hospital. I didn't have to see Irina or Bella. I didn't have to see anyone at all.

I was perfectly content to sit at home alone, but a sharp rap at my door forced me to interact with the outside world. For one fleeting moment, I hoped it was Bella. Stupid, really, since she had no idea where I lived.

"Edward, open up."

Alice.

Before I got a chance to open the door, my little sister came waltzing in. I was just about to ask _how _she got in when she held up a key.

"Got it copied. How else do you think I brought your mail in every day?"

_Huh. Guess that makes sense._

"What's up Alice?"

"You look like shit."

"Did you come here just to insult me?" Because I was already feeling antisocial enough. I didn't need anything else to make my mood worse.

"No, it's just an observation. Having trouble sleeping?" _How did she guess? _"Too bad you've still got the Volvo. A nice ride would cheer you right up."

I knew she meant a car ride but I automatically flashed to images of Bella riding me. Of course that would never happen...for several reasons. Me being a fucking idiot was at the top of that list.

"Why are you here?" I ground out the words, losing patience with the tiny, infuriating presence in front of me.

"Have you heard from Mom and Dad lately?"

I never heard from Carlisle unless it was unavoidable. Mom, however, usually touched base with each child once a day. Weird, I hadn't noticed her absence of phone calls.

"No, I haven't actually."

"Me either. It's kind of freaking me out."

"When was the last time you talked to either of them?"

"Yesterday morning-"

"So it's only been a day? Aw, c'mon Alice. I wouldn't freak out over that."

"But _I _had to call _them_. And when Mom answered she sounded really out of it." That was unusual. "Plus, when I asked to talk to Dad, she said he was gone and wouldn't tell me where he was."

Wouldn't? Or couldn't?

"I'm sure it's nothing. They're probably busy with some charity event or something. You know how they are."

"I don't know Edward. It was weird. You don't think…" As she trailed off, I realized how small and childlike her voice seemed. She wasn't much older than Bella after all. "You don't think they're having problems? Do you?"

Fuck.

If Alice saw something odd going on, I could no longer pretend it was just me. Something, or someone, was going on. That didn't mean I wanted Alice to worry.

"No. Never. Carlisle and Esme are perfect together. Everyone knows that." Did Carlisle still know that though?

"That's true. They are adorable together. I'm probably just hormonal. Ya know, that time of the-"

"Gah! Alice! Why do you think it's okay for you to share that shit with me?"

"You're a doctor." She shrugged.

"Yes, but I'm also you're brother. Therefore, none of that."

"Very true. How could I forget?" She smiled at me before reaching over to ruffle my hair. "I guess I'll go now, leave you to be Mr. Cranky Pants all by yourself. By the way, those pants are hideous."

"They're sweats!" I called out after her as she walked towards the door.

"I know!" She shut the door behind her and I was alone again.

Except now, I wasn't sure if I wanted to be or not.

--

The only time available for my rescheduled PT appointment was the next morning. That meant missing Bella.

Missing Bella.

It was a problem that I missed her. A huge problem. What was the point of missing someone I couldn't be with? Needless…well, frustration didn't quite fit the description for what I was feeling. But it wasn't pleasant, whatever it was.

After I'd been stretched, worked, and sweat to death, I roamed the hospital looking for Laurent. On the sly of course. I was worried what James would say if I ran into him.

"Cullen." A gruff voice called out from behind me.

"Dr. Stevens." I turned slowly on the cane that Irina gave me. "What a surprise."

"Hardly a surprise to see me here. It _is _my hospital."

Arrogant ass. It wasn't his hospital anymore than it was mine.

"How are you?" I felt I had to ask since it had been so long since I'd seen him. The fucker hadn't once come by to see me. Glad he viewed his employees with such importance.

"I should be asking you that. Come to my office?"

"Okay…" That didn't sound good.

"Need help?"

I wondered if he noticed how heavily I was leaning on my cane. I was worn out from my session and looking all over the hospital for Laurent. But I didn't want Stevens knowing that. It made me look weak. I hated appearing weak.

"I'm good."

Pretty sure he didn't believe me because I noticed his gait slow. I reluctantly accepted his acknowledgment of help because I was just too tired to do otherwise.

The click of Stevens' office door seemed rather ominous.

"Edward, how are you." I noticed very little inflection in his words. As if he was demanding to know whether than asking.

"Just fine, sir."

"Truly?" Of course he decided to question me then. "No problems with the leg?"

"Nope. My physical therapy is going well."

"Good. Very good. We want you back to work. Trauma needs you."

Oh shit. Not that again. Trauma was the trigger to the fight between Carlisle and me the night of my accident.

"Right."

"And you know you're the favorite for Head when Gerandy retires."

Fuckin A.

"Sir, I-"

"I want to make sure there's nothing compromising your talent or judgment." I briefly toyed with the idea of sharing my nighttime issues and aversion to driving. "So if there's something not quite right, you should know I'd want to hear about it. To help you."

His eyes bore into mine. It felt like a test almost. Like he was waiting for me to answer so he could deem if it was the right one. Had James approached Stevens about my problems? The weed? Christ.

"Everything's fine." I waited, deliberately keeping my breathing even...all about radiating cool, calm, and collected.

"Excellent." Stevens stood, signaling the end of our discussion. "You'll let me know though, Cullen."

Again, not a question.

When I had put enough distance between the Chief and me, I made a beeline for the nearest chair. It was part of a little lobby area, complete with vending machines and magazines. Everything was clean and orderly. What I liked was the absence of people. I was alone. No one was around to see me agitated and just the slightest bit nervous.

My ass connected with the leather chair and I sighed in relief. My leg was getting stiff from overworked muscles. Since I was alone I felt at ease enough to stretch it out. I began rubbing it like I'd seen Irina do. Not quite the same, but good enough for the moment.

I wondered what it would feel like to have Bella massage me.

The thought alone was enough to cause my mind to go into overdrive. Me naked. Bella naked. Her hands slippery with oil rubbing up and down my thighs. Each time ascending just a little bit more, making their way to my cock. Two warm fists closing around me...pumping.

I may have groaned. Maybe.

"Edward!" Laurent's voice broke me from the sex daydream.

A very good thing. I was in public. I did not need a hard-on.

"Laurent, long time no see."

"It's been too long. How are you feeling?"

"Funny you should ask…" I didn't know where Laurent got his weed. I just knew he always had it. Not that he smoked it often because he needed his wits about him. But he was always down to smoke if he had a few days open in front of him.

"Oh? Need something, do you?" Laurent sat on the coffee table in front of me, leaning in close to keep passersby from overhearing our…transaction. "What did you have in mind?"

"Anything. Whatever you already have will work just fine."

"You're normally pickier than this." I just shrugged. I had no intention of going into _why _I wanted to smoke. "Come by my place sometime. Just make sure to text me beforehand so I know to be there." He got up to leave but had barely taken a step when I heard my name called.

"Edward."

_Oh fuck. Not now. What is she doing here?_

"Hm…" Laurent's eyes were speculative as he, from what I assumed, took in Bella's approaching form. "You seem to be Mr. Popular lately."

"Edward, I'm so glad I saw you." She sat down in the chair next to me, taking no notice of Laurent.

"Uh-"

"I really need to talk to you." There was this look of determination on her face. Her cheeks were pink, naturally though, not from embarrassment.

"Edward?" Laurent spoke up before she could keep going. His brows rose in shock, similar to James' reaction when I'd called her Shortcake.

Bella was busy looking back and forth between us, now fully taking in Laurent. She had no idea that Laurent viewed nurses as an occupation far beneath him. Like where he liked them in his bed. She also had no idea that, up until very recently, my views had been the same.

A moment of indecision came to me. I could wave away Laurent and hear Bella out. I was pretty sure I wouldn't like what she'd have to say though. No way a one-year relationship ends just like that. Right?

If I reacted like Laurent expected though, I would most likely hurt Bella's feelings. Not something I relished. But it would help cut the cord so to speak. Maybe if she saw who I really was she'd get over trying to be my friend. And I could get over her.

"Dr. Cullen."

"Excuse me?" Fuck, it was like a complete 180 from the conversation we'd had at the beginning of our…whatever this was that we had.

"I'm no longer your patient, Nurse Swan. You should treat me accordingly now. It's Dr. Cullen. Show some respect."

No one spoke, making my words seem even harsher. Bella stood up quickly, biting her lip and flinging her hair back as she practically ran away. I didn't have a chance to see if I'd made her cry. Didn't really matter as I was almost positive I had.

--

It didn't take me long to realize how goddamn stupid I was for saying that to Bella. For all I knew, she was professing her undying love for me…not that I wanted that. And even less likely that that was her intention. But I didn't know that. Because I hadn't let her talk. I should've gotten rid of Laurent and heard her out. I could've tried persuading her to reconsider me as a viable option.

_An option for what?_

_For fucking, of course._

_Fuck._

She couldn't have gotten far, not with those silly Converse. And if she was crying, which I prayed to whoever was listening she wasn't, she'd have to go slower. Otherwise she'd probably run into something. And even if she was bookin' it, I knew where she'd end up. I could go to her. Find her. Corner her.

_Wait, that doesn't sound good. _

Whatever. I'd get her alone and... _fuck her_ ... I mean, talk to her. _And then fuck her. _No, no. At least not right then. _Later. _

I got up on shaky legs and limped back to Recovery. It took a lot longer than I expected. So much that Bella _had _to be there already.

A cacophony of noises met my ear when I finally made it. Laughter, shouting, and the general noise from the hustle and bustle of hospital life surrounded me. But even with the noise assailing my ears I made out a distinctly male voice calling out a very distinctly unoriginal nickname.

"Bells!"

"Jake? Oh my God, Jake!"

I didn't want anyone to see me, so I stayed just out of sight, around the corner from the commotion. More than anything I wanted to see Bella. I wanted to know she was ok, to make sure she wasn't crying. If she was, who knows how she would react to seeing me. Plus, I wanted to see how she was with that tool.

_And you know you want to see him too. To make sure you're better looking than him._

Well, yeah. That too.

"Surprised?"

"That's an understatement. I'm excited to see you." She didn't sound excited. I wondered if her face betrayed the words she spoke.

"I sold Dad's house." So they didn't have a house together then. That was good news.

"You did?"

"Yup. He's all settled at the home. Or, should I say, assisted living center. He sends his love."

Feeling it safe to look, I poked my head around the corner. Bella was smiling. A beautiful smile I loved seeing on her face. But I was torn over how to feel seeing it there. I was glad she was so obviously happy. But I was more upset over her smiling in response to Mr. 'Roid over there.

That guy had to be juiced up. He was too huge and looked like some big bad wolf hovering over my sweet, innocent Shortcake. Until you got to the face. He had…the face of a 12 year old boy. He looked like a man child. A man child with girly ass hair. It was longer than Alice's and pulled into a pony tail. How was that even attractive?

"Jr., what are you doing?"

I nearly jumped out of my skin when I heard Elizabeth behind me.

"Nothing."

"Doesn't look like nothing to me," she said in a sing-song voice. "Hey Bella, who's the hunk?" Elizabeth was practically shouting next to me, bringing all eyes on us.

_Uh oh._

Bella's eyes went wide as she saw me. _So much for staying hidden. _I didn't want it to seem as if I was doing anything wrong, hiding out of sight, so I moved forward, Elizabeth by my side.

"Good luck," she whispered in my ear.

_What the fuck was that about? _

I would have asked, except I was already too close to Bella. And the tool. That man child.

"This is Jacob." Shortcake was staring at Elizabeth, studiously avoiding any eye contact with me.

"Pleasure to meet you, handsome." _What the fuck? _"I'm Elizabeth."

"Likewise." I think he must've smiled and shook her hand or something. Honestly, I had no idea. I was too busy staring at Bella. My Shortcake.

I blocked out all forms of conversation between Mr. Man Child and Elizabeth-_Thinksthetoolishandsome_-Masen. My thoughts were only on Bella and how I could apologize. A simple "I'm sorry" wasn't enough. This fuck-up was so much worse than the first fuck-up between us, back when I didn't know her name. I could possibly charm her with my looks now that the bandages were gone. But I wanted her to forgive me because she truly wanted to, not just because my handsome face dazzled her into a stupor.

"Bella, can I talk to you?" I tried to speak quietly to avoid gaining attention. Bella frowned at me as I motioned with my head to a spot a few feet away. She still followed me though. That was a good sign, right?

"Hmph."

"I'm sorry." Apparently those were the only words I could think of at the moment. Inadequate to say the least. "I didn't mean what I said." My words were still hushed in case anyone was trying to eavesdrop. "I'm such an idiot. You've gotta believe me. I didn't mean to hurt you. I like-"

"Bells, who's this?" Apparently McTool and Elizabeth had ended their conversation because the meathead stepped over to us then.

"This is," I noticed her hesitation. "Dr. Cullen."

"Please, no." Was that my voice? So…agonized?

"Dr. Cullen, this is my boyfriend, Jake." Did I imagine that or did she emphasize the word boyfriend?

"Dr. Cullen?" McTool looked at me for a beat. "Oh...Edward, right? I've heard a lot about you."

He had?

"You have?"

McTool nodded. "Bells is always so sensitive and concerned about her patients. She told me how scared she was for you when she found you at the scene of that accident." _Wince. _"That's why she's such a great nurse. Such a great person too. Always caring about others first. That's one of the reasons I love her so much. But it's only one on the list of many reasons why I love Isabella Swan." _Gag. _"Bella," he turned to face my Shortcake, all puppy dog love and big stupid grin in place. When I saw him sink to his knee, I felt my stomach plummet.

"Jake-"

"I love you. I'm sick of being apart. I want to spend forever with you. And I want to start right now."

_Jesus-fucking-Christ I can't handle this right now!_

Mumbling a quick excuse, I started shuffling backwards. Not that anyone noticed my retreat. All eyes were on the happy couple. I managed to duck out of Recovery just as Jake McTool popped the big question.

"Will you marry me?"

_I think I'm going to be sick._

--

My hands shook as I turned the water on cold. The bathroom was blessedly empty, no hospital patrons in sight.

_I think you're overreacting. She's not the only fuckable woman in Seattle._

It wasn't about just sex anymore though. I liked her a lot and now it was too late. I'd never even get the chance to tell her. Or the chance to try and _be _with her.

I splashed water on my face quickly, not wanting to even look at myself in the mirror. Right then, I hated myself. I hated how weak I was. I didn't want to see that all over my face. There was just no way of knowing how to handle a situation like that. I'd never liked someone so much before.

_Sounds stupid. So stupid. But true._

_Pussy._

"You're an idiot, Eddie boy."

"Jesus!" I yelled out, scared near shitless at the feminine voice so out-of-place in the _men's _bathroom. "What the fuck are you doing in here?!" Fucking Vanessa. I didn't have to look up to know it was her.

"I've come to pull your head out of your ass."

"This is the men's bathroom. So unless you've got something hidden down between your legs, get out and leave me alone."

"You like her."

"What?"

"You like Bella."

_Why me?_

"Please, just go." I was seconds away from losing it. If she didn't leave she'd be witness to my falling apart.

"She likes you too." That caught my attention. Even if I knew it was a lie.

"No, she doesn't."

"She does."

"How do you know that?" I was trying to not sound so desperate. Probably failed though.

"Because...she didn't say yes."

* * *

*cough* so?


	14. If It Works

**disclaimer: stephAnie, not stephEnie**

**a/n: thanks go to emmy (pippapear) for pre reading and as always to my beta arra584. she's got finals coming up so wish her luck.**  
**italicized portion in the beginning is a flashback *waves hands and sings a la waynes world*  
i have more to say, but i'll share at the end, as to save you from an endless a/n.**

**Chapter title comes from Tokyo Police Club's song "If It Works." Lyrics don't apply.  
Chapter songs: "Slow Show" by The National. This song rec comes courtesy of anniej13 who is amazing.**  
**"Honest Mistake" by the Bravery  
"Hold" Saves the Day

* * *

**

At home I was able to think back on my brief conversation with Vanessa.

"_She didn't say yes."_

"_Did she say no?" Because that was what I _really _wanted to know._

"_Well…no."_

_Any hopes I had deflated in my chest._

"_Then she didn't say no." God, what was the point of telling me anything if she didn't even say no?_

"_That's not the point, Edward."_

"_Then what is?"_

"_Oh Eddie, Eddie, Eddie." She shook her head like she thought I was a retard or something. "If she wanted to marry him, she would've said yes."_

"_Yeah, but…what?" Wouldn't it make more sense to say that if she _didn't _want to marry him, she'd have said no? That was what really mattered. Her saying no, so that I could be with her._

"_You don't hesitate to accept a proposal if you want to marry the man."_

"_This is just fucking confusing." And annoying. Vanessa was so fucking annoying prattling on about how if you don't say yes you are really saying no. Couldn't she just be fucking straight with me?_

"_Listen to what I'm saying, Edward. She didn't accept. Can you imagine how hard that would be? To basically say no, without actually _saying_ no, in front of all your peers. She's been with Jake for a year. And now she's basically throwing everything she knows away on a chance. Don't be a complete fuck-up. You need to recognize what's staring you right in the fucking face."_

"_And what exactly is that?" If she didn't just come out and say it already, I was going to bat shit crazy. I did not have time for this fuckery. _

"_Bella likes you. She. Likes. You. It's so obvious. Only someone as dim as you could miss it."_

"_Let's pretend for a second that you're right. Bella likes me. So what?"_

"_So what? So _what? _So...God, Edward! I thought you were supposed to be intelligent. So what? So, you fight for her. Make her see you're worth it."_

"_Why are you trying to help me?" All I got was a shrug. "What would you suggest I do?"_

"_You're so slow." Again with the stare-down. I wasn't a complete idiot. "Be nice to her. Flirt. Compliment her. Go out of your way to see her. Smile. It's not that hard, Edward."_

_And then she was gone._

--

Lying in bed, my mind was a whirlwind of thoughts. Vanessa said Bella liked me, said it was _obvious. _Just like it was _obvious _how much I liked her. But if it was all so _obvious, _why didn't she say something to me? Why weren't we together?

_Vanessa could be lying to you._

True. She could be. But for some reason I didn't think she was. Vanessa didn't strike me as the type to be _that _conniving.

Not trusting myself to have an easy and peaceful sleep, I shook out some Oxycodone only to realize I was using the last of my supply.

_Fuck._

While I could convince my doctors that the pain in my leg had intensified and I'd altered my dosage accordingly, that was a slippery slope I wanted to avoid. Getting hooked on prescription drugs was not an option for me.

Though apparently I didn't find fault with illegal substances since I was still planning on a trip to Laurent's.

_Whatever._

--

My PT sessions were coming to an end as, no doubt, Irina would be giving the okay for my return to work. With restrictions of course. Nobody wanted to overwork me and cause a potential fuck-up during a critical procedure. I was ecstatic to be done. Not just because I missed work. But because sessions were getting too awkward. Ever since I'd blurted out that bullshit about wanting to spend time with Irina, she'd been insufferable: pressing her tits into my back as she "helped" me stretch, wearing ridiculous outfits to show off her best assets, and offering extra rubdowns afterwards.

Just, Jesus, no. It seemed I'd unwittingly unleashed a monster. Irina Sex-a-saurus was on the prowl. Why was I her only prey? I mean, besides the obvious, being the hottest motherfucker around. Couldn't she direct her attention to someone more willing?

_Hmm, I bet Laurent would appreciate all the ways she can bend and stretch. Note to self: pawn Irina off on Laurent._

After my appointment was over, I went in search of…Vanessa. I kind of wanted some Bella-coaching because I didn't know what to say to Shortcake. At least, I didn't know what was the _right _thing to say. Flirting was easy. I was a fucking flirting master. But when it got more serious than just a flirt to fuck, I was kind of out of my league.

So that's why I was in search of the redhead rather than the brunette for the first, and hopefully only, time in my life.

Of course, because I was trying to avoid her, Bella popped up in front of me.

"Shortcake!" I surreptitiously looked down to her left hand, wanting to make sure she hadn't said "yes" in the past 24 hours.

No ring. Good.

"Hello…well I don't really know what to call you anymore."

"Edward. I've always preferred-"

"Not Handsome?"

"Only if you want to, Beautiful." But when I looked up to smile at her, I realized she was scowling. She wasn't being cute. She was being mean...which, oddly enough, made her even cuter.

"You're so frustrating, Edward. What was up with the "Dr. Cullen" stuff yesterday?"

I decided honesty was the best policy. Well, at least mostly complete honesty. Didn't need to blab _everything _to her right then, did I?

"I panicked." That didn't seem to go over well. "Bella, you have to know I like you more than just,"... _friends_... "a patient to a nurse. More than just coworkers." Could I be anymore obvious right now? "And you're…attached. I guess I was just worried how our relationship would look to Laurent. I didn't want him coming up with any crazy ideas about us." Mostly because they'd be true, or at least I'd want them to be. And if he knew my intentions towards Bella, he'd either hassle me nonstop or chase after her too. Just for the thrill of it. Just to say he got her first.

We had made a past-time out of it after all. And I _was _up by two. But I didn't want him sampling the Shortcake. She was not on the menu for him.

"So you're worried our friendship will sully my good reputation?"

"I guess so."

"Oh Edward, that's so stupid." _Huh?_ "But sweet. You don't have to worry, I'm a big girl."

Yeesh! Kind of. I mean, in comparison to my age, she was still a girl. And part of me felt like I was, or rather would be, taking advantage of Bella.

"I'll try and remember that."

"Will I have to worry about you getting all distant on me in the future?"

"No. I'm probably already going to hell so I might as well be thorough." Only I mumbled the words, not wanting Bella to hear them.

"What did you say?"

"Nothing."

Her face looked like one big question mark. But I didn't want to repeat my words. Then she'd really have questions for me.

"Ok…"

"Are you still mad at me?" I had to know.

She blew out a long breath, delaying her answer and making me nervous in the process.

"Well…" Her left hand went up to the hair she had pulled back. She was kind of running her fingers through it, diverting my attention from her beautiful face. "No, I'm not mad. For some reason, I have a hard time staying mad at you." She rolled her eyes in mock annoyance. But judging by the tone of her voice, she was happy.

_Yes._

"Good, because I couldn't stand it if you were. I don't want to ever make you mad, Shortcake." I reached out and tugged lightly at her ponytail.

"Stop that." She tried to slap my hand away but I brought it forward instead, letting my fingers graze her cheek.

"Sorry, couldn't help it. You're so cute." And soft and smooth and too bad she wasn't blushing so I could feel how warm.

"Cute," she huffed.

Had I said something wrong?

"Are you doing anything tonight?" Shit! I hadn't meant to just blurt that shit out, as if asking her out on a date.

"No, why?" I noticed her cheeks blush strawberry-red and wondered if she was actually hoping I _was_ asking her out on a date. I was merely sniffing out answers to her relationship status with McTool. But maybe I _should _ask her out.

"Bella! Eddie!" Vanessa called out, ruining my timing. Bitch.

I noticed Bella quirk an eyebrow at me.

"Eddie? Didn't think you liked that nickname."

"I don't really." I spoke softly, as Vanessa jogged over to us.

"What if _I _wanted to call you Eddie?" Bella smirked and I was seconds away from admitting she could call me fucking Bob for all I cared. But Vanessa was already next to us.

"Glad I caught you, Eddie. May I have a word?" She grabbed my arm and started dragging me away from Bella.

Shortcake's face was back to that question mark look as I was pulled out of earshot by the redhead I'd originally intended on approaching.

"Nice, Edward." I couldn't tell if she was being sarcastic so I stayed quiet. "Looks like you're doing a good job with Bella. But I don't think you should ask her out just yet."

"How did you-"

"I was eavesdropping." Her face was a big "so what" of emotions. "But I did come up with a genius idea."

"And?"

"And…Chinese or Italian?" She pushed a paper in my hand before walking away. It had her name and number on it.

--

"So, let me get this straight." Hours later and I was on the phone with the last girl I'd imagined talking to outside of work. "You're trying to help me get Bella by having me go out on a date with you?"

Now who's the retard?

"Not just a date. A _double _date. Edward, nothing brings out someone's true feelings more than a healthy dose of jealousy."

Oh Jesus. Really?

"I don't know." The idea had me feeling wary at best.

"Trust me. Okay?"

Should I?

"I guess-"

"Great!" She started reciting her address before I realized the implications of a date.

I'd have to drive.

"Listen, as much as I hate doing this, could you pick me up? I'm in between cars still."

"Huh?"

"No wheels."

"Oh." It was silent for a beat before she resumed speaking, just as excited as before. After giving her directions to my place she practically shouted out, "I'll pick you up tomorrow at 7." Then she hung up.

--

When I woke up the next day, I had every intention of going to the hospital. Somehow during the night my courage had been bolstered as the idea of taking out Vanessa instead of Bella firmly rooted itself in my brain. I wanted nothing more than to have a little heart to heart with my Shortcake. She would hear me out. Then she'd leave McTool so I could have her all to myself. And instead of going on a date with Vanessa, I'd be taking Bella out. It would be perfect.

Except then Emmett called. And ruined everything.

"E, my man. How's it going?"

"Fine, Emmett." _You're only fucking up my master plan. No big deal_.

"I'm good, too. Thanks for asking."

"What did you want Emmett?"

"I wonder if there will ever come a time in your life when you just relax...chill out, ya know? You're always so ornery."

The man had a point. Not that I'd ever admit that to him. I was probably just cranky from the raging case of blue balls I was experiencing.

"Is that the only reason you called?"

"No man, I found a few interesting prospects."

"Prospects?" For what? Sex?

"For a car. I thought we could go check 'em out together. What do you think?"

I really needed to cut the man some slack. Emmett, while having poor taste in women, had a big heart and tried his hardest to bridge the age gap between us. For as long as I could remember, Emmett was the one following me around, trying to do the same things I did. When he got older and we realized that we shared a mutual love of cars, we finally became more like brothers rather than strangers just sharing DNA.

It wasn't his fault there was a ten year gap between us. That was all on Poppa Carlisle.

_I should try and reconnect with the man. _

"That's cool. What time?"

"Meet me at my place in an hour."

"Ok. Sounds good."

"Sweet, see you then."

It hadn't occurred to me until after we hung up that meeting at his place meant me driving there. I tried calling back to well...not explain but ask him to get me. Only there was no answer.

_Shit, shit, shit._

Half an hour later, I was in the godforsaken Volvo, giving myself a fucking pep talk. So goddamn ridiculous, but apparently necessary. Because every time I went to start the engine my hand shook.

"You can do it, Cullen. You're stronger than this."

After about twenty more tries and a hundred curses, I got the car started. I would've been relieved, only I had to actually drive now that the car was on. I triple-checked the mirrors, fidgeted with the seat over and over until I couldn't put it off any longer. By the time I had finished stalling, I had just ten minutes to get to Emmett's.

"Man up, pussy."

I inched out of the parking spot slower than a fucking snail. I was so paranoid someone would come speeding down the parking lot and ram into me. Putting it into drive was a relief. It had been so long since I'd driven that I would have killed the engine shifting into first if it was in a manual. I crept through the lot, thinking maybe driving wouldn't be so bad.

Then I reached the exit that led to the main street and I saw all the traffic zooming past me. Anxiety found its way inside me as I tried to visualize merging with the flow of traffic. I sat there for at least five minutes, just staring at the cars passing by, wondering how the fuck I was expected to drive and why I was so terrified.

_PTSD._

My mind called it out, trying to be rational despite my wish to deny the possibility. Me? Post traumatic stress disorder? No. I was stronger than that.

Honking broke me out of my reverie. Looking in my rearview mirror I noticed an elderly lady behind me, waving and mouthing words at me. Fucking crazy old bat. Left with no choice, I found an opening and drove out.

I had a death grip on my steering wheel, knuckles turning white as I drove to Emmett's. At first, I thought I was fine. Then I passed through an intersection and saw a car driving up to the light. The guy was going too fast, no way would he stop in time.

My foot slammed on the brakes as I closed my eyes, bracing for impact…only nothing happened. I slowly opened my eyes just in time to see the little old lady behind me swerve to avoid hitting me. Her wrinkly middle finger was sticking straight up as she passed.

Well fuck you too.

I realized I was at a complete standstill in the middle of the fucking intersection. Jesus Christ! At this rate, I'd cause my own goddamn accident.

The rest of the drive was spent flinching, braking, and swerving. By the time I made it to Emmett's, I was covered in sweat…and thirty minutes late. I checked out my appearance in the mirror, wanting to make sure I looked okay, only to find out I didn't. I looked like shit. Pale skin, hair plastered to my face, circles under my eyes. I needed to calm down before going in to see Emmett or he'd figure something was up.

So after sitting outside Emmett's complex for another ten minutes, I finally made my way to his apartment. I knocked on his door and heard a "come in" from inside. But when I walked through the door and into his living room, Emmett was nowhere to be found.

"Em?"

"In the bathroom, E. You took so long to get here, I couldn't wait anymore. I had to take a dump. It may take awhile, so just have a seat."

Jesus. Disgusting. But at least he wasn't making a bigger deal about me being late. Plus it gave me more time to get my shit together.

I sat down on the overstuffed chair, probably a gift from Mom, and started looking through Em's magazine collection. SI, Maxim, SI: Swimsuit Edition, Men's Fitness, FHM: all typical Emmett. I grabbed whatever was closest, not paying attention to what was on the cover, when I heard the doorknob turning.

Fuckin' A.

Trapped, there was nowhere for me to run. I'd have to face Satan head on with no Emmett to act as buffer as he was currently occupied by a bout of IBS.

"What are you doing here?"

Lovely.

"Waiting for Emmett. Car shopping." I figured the less I spoke, the quicker she'd leave.

"Is he in the bathroom?" I nodded. "Good. I wanted to talk to you."

What. The. Fuck.

"Um…no thanks?"

"Like you have a choice." A guy could hope, right? "I've been wondering, do you think we should tell Emmett?"

"What? Are you fucking crazy?! Wait, never mind. I already know you are. No way in hell should we tell him."

But a little voice inside my head that sounded suspiciously like Bella was saying otherwise.

"But, what if it comes out later?"

"And how would that happen if neither of us says something?"

"He's concerned, Edward. Emmett loves you. He looks up to you for some reason and really wants your approval. It kills him that we don't get along. And it kills me to see him like that."

"So you really care about him?"

"What-"

"I mean, you're not just using him for the money?"

"How could you say that?" I looked her in the eye and received the shock of the century. Rosalie "Satan" Hale was crying. _Crying! _"I love Emmett. _Love _him. Why would you think that?"

"Because..." I waved a lazy hand between us. "Don't act like you weren't getting into my pants just to get into my pockets. And when you realized you'd never get a cent from me, you flipped the fuck out."

Words seemed to have failed Rosalie as she stared at me with wide, unblinking eyes. I was seconds away from asking her what the fuck was wrong, when she burst into hysterical laughter.

"Oh my God, Edward." She was wiping tears from her eyes as she cackled. "You think I was after your money?"

"Well, yeah, I did. Until you started laughing. Now I'm just confused."

"Not that it's any of your business, but when we were together, I was going through a really rough time." Rosalie sat beside me, avoiding eye contact. Whatever it was, it was serious and suddenly I had no desire to hear her story. "There was this guy, Royce, and he…well he did things to me."

"What," _huge gulp,_ "kinds of things?" Did I really want to know?

She shook her head. "I don't really want to get into details. I just, responded pretty poorly to everything that happened between us and thought I had to use my body to get men to notice me."

Fuck, I could only imagine what happened. And I didn't want to. Because right now I was feeling pretty bad for Rosalie. Sympathy for the Devil? What was happening to me?

"Well, ok…" I had no idea what to say. None. Whatsoever.

"It wasn't about using your cock to get your money. I thought if I could get in a relationship with someone... anyone, I'd feel better about myself. It never really occurred to me that I needed to work through my problems in a more professional manner. I think I wanted to avoid that situation if possible because then it would make everything way more real and scary. But forcing myself into "relationships" didn't work. Obviously."

"So…you weren't using me then?"

"Oh, I wouldn't say that." Well, at least she was being honest. "The sex _was_ good and-"

"What sex?"

Uh oh.

"Emmett!" Rosalie flew off her seat towards a man I hardly recognized.

Em was always bigger than average. As an infant, he was all rolls and dimples. As a kid he was chubby. Then he hit puberty, grew into his weight and turned all that fat into muscle. Yet through it all, he had this baby face and sweet disposition that softened the overall effect his body created. I'd never seen him in a fight, as his size scared off would-be bullies. As a result, I'd never seen him truly angry. Until now.

His face was red, mouth set in a scowl. I could hear each knuckle crack as he clenched and unclenched his fist. His eyes were narrowed and glaring at me. Then Rosalie. Then me again. Then Rosalie again.

I was kind of freaked out.

"What. Sex."

"Listen, it looks like now's a bad time. Maybe I should head out-"

"No. Stay." Emmett was facing me now. He looked more sad than angry. Probably he'd reached a conclusion he really hoped wasn't true. "What is she talking about, E?"

"I... uh, don't, ya know, think I should-"

"Emmett, please. Let me explain. I can _explain._" Rosalie sounded shrill as she tried to get Emmett's attention back on her.

"Edward." He was effectively shutting her out though, focusing only on me. Begging me to deny it.

And fuck, I couldn't.

"I'm sorry, Emmett." It was the only thing to say. Never adequate though. I didn't think he actually wanted to hear me say the words. Hear 'I fucked Rosalie.' "It was a long time ago. I never wanted you to find out."

"So if I hadn't overheard your conversation just now, you'd never have told me? You'd have just kept this huge fucking secret from me? Your own brother?"

"Yes."

The air was thick with tension. Emmett's eyes moved away from mine, lids half-closed to mask his pain. Pain that I had caused. He didn't have to voice his disappointment in me. His face, the way he held himself, said it all.

Still, he managed to choke out, "You can leave now."

It wasn't a request.

--

I don't know how I managed to drive home. I think my mind was too preoccupied with what just happened. It was scary that I was too busy lost in thought to realize I was driving. Lucky I had arrived safely, though not in good shape. I was worried what life would be like now that the fucking pussy was out of the bag. Would Emmett tell Mom and Carlisle? Because I just didn't think I could handle the disappointment and criticism.

Really though, Emmett was mature enough to leave our parents out of this, right?

Thinking about what was going on with Emmett and Rosalie was just giving me a headache. Besides, they were probably busy having makeup sex right now anyway. Better to spend my time worrying, er, thinking about my date with Bella tonight.

_You mean your date with Vanessa._

Meh, whatever. Same thing.

Nervous didn't even come close to describing how I felt about seeing Bella outside of the hospital. Not to mention she'd be on McTool's arm. And I'd be stuck opening doors and pulling out chairs for fucking Vanessa.

Not because I wanted to. Because Bella would be watching and I wanted to make a good impression.

Though how good an impression could I make if I was on a date with another fucking woman? I was beginning to really think about this whole situation. It wasn't a mistake... I had to keep thinking that. Vanessa said jealousy was a good thing. And it wasn't as if Bella didn't know I'd be there tonight. For all I knew, she could be anxiously awaiting the date too. Nothing bad could come of it. Nothing bad _would _come of it.

Trying not to dwell on any possible horrible outcomes of my "date" tonight, I got ready. Showering, shaving, moisturizing, all the stuff I never admitted to doing for fear of being called a queer. But doing all that shit didn't take up enough time. Even with changing my clothes five different times. Because I couldn't settle on what to wear. Jeans? Slacks? T-shirt? Button up?

Fuck, my dick was probably going to shrivel up any minute from being such a pussy. I'd take my "outtie" and turn it into an "innie."

Left with nothing to do, my mind wandered back to Emmett and Rosalie. Why did I even care what happened there? If Em ditched her, my own personal Hell would disappear. But just remembering Em's reaction, that look of defeat and hurt, was getting to me. Not to mention, Rosalie wasn't as bad as I thought. Maybe.

Wondering how they'd patched things up, I called Emmett. The phone rang and rang…and rang. I didn't bother leaving a message, not knowing what to say. I did text him a simple "hey" though, figuring he'd get back to me after he was done with the make-up sex.

_This is the first time I've ever hoped for sex between those two._

I expected to hear back from him soon. I mean, how much angry fucking did they need? But two hours had gone by and I'd yet to hear from him. It was making me worried.

Maybe things weren't okay between them. Maybe they were still fighting. Maybe they were-

A knock on the door interrupted my thoughts. It had to be Vanessa picking me up. When I opened the door, I had never been happier to see her. It had nothing to do with the low-cut shirt she was wearing. It had everything to do with her taking me to Bella's. I was going to know where she lived.

_Dude, Stalker._

What-the-fuck-ever. I wasn't a stalker. I wouldn't just show up at her place or anything. It was just useful knowledge. For the future.

"Ready?"

"As I'll ever be." I grabbed a jacket, followed Vanessa out, then closed the door behind me.

Having to be picked up and driven around like a little bitch was embarrassing. But not as much as exposing my fear of driving. So when Vanessa jokingly opened the door for me, I bit my tongue. I didn't want to provoke her.

"Already on your best behavior, huh Eddie?"

"Something like that. Just, don't test my limits, okay?"

"Don't worry. Jake will be driving so Bella won't have to see you being chauffeured by me. Though it may make her feel better to see."

"Why would that matter?"

"Seems like less of a date when the woman's driving, right?"

The girl had a point.

While Vanessa drove, I checked my phone obsessively, hoping each time to have a text or message from Emmett. Each time I was disappointed. There was no way he was still too busy to get back to me.

_Is he ignoring me?_

If Vanessa noticed me fidgeting with my phone, she never let on, only speaking up to say we'd reached Bella's. Shortcake lived in what looked to be a basic apartment complex that no doubt had a cookie cutter layout, each unit a mirror image of the previous one. Not that it was important. I'd want to see Bella's place even if she lived in a shack. Plus, if we ever needed more space, my place was always available.

_Look at you, already imagining something happening. Quite sure of yourself, aren't you?_

I couldn't help but feel hope for something more after tonight. This date would prove to be a really good thing for Bella and me. I just knew it.

My phone buzzed in my pocket and I felt relief at Emmett's better-late-than-never response. Except it was from Alice. And after reading I was even more worried.

_Can't get a hold of Em_

_Heard anything?_

Fuckity, fuck fuck. I didn't need this worrisome shit right now. I was on a date for fuck's sake.

"By the way, Eddie, Bella doesn't know you're my date."

"What?!"

I watched in equal parts shock and horror as Vanessa rang the doorbell. Bella not knowing was _not _what I had anticipated. If she wasn't prepared, how could I know she was okay with things?

"Ness, hey! I'm so excited to see this date of yo-" Bella's eyes met mine and I realized how completely taken off guard she was. "Edward?"

But even with the surprise and trepidation, she looked fucking fantastic. Denim skirt that showed off her legs. Christ, her legs. They went on for fucking days. I'd never seen them bare before. Plus she was wearing a tank top with some kind of sweater over it, showing off just enough skin to have my mind in overdrive.

Fuckity fuck fuck.

Just looking at her had me forgetting all my worries. Emmett who?

"Hey, Shortcake."

* * *

**lemme know what you think. and if you, like my dearest annie, have any songs you think would go with the tone of the story, also lemme know. **  
**now, as many of you know, FGB is almost upon us once again. last time, i entered really late. this time, however, i've already signed up. so i thought i'd let you know what i have offered up. **  
**4 o/s, any prompt, any pairing, any continuation of previous stories/one shots: first come first serve.**  
**BPOV for TAITA: that one's up for bids. **  
**so...if you want to see bella's pov...you can bid. winner gets to choose which part of the story they want in her pov. **

**and now i'll be done shamefully pimping myself out**


	15. You Could Have It So Much Better

**disclaimer: it's stephAnie, not stephEnie**

**a/n: this is the part where i apologize profusely for the long ass time between updates. sorry guys.**  
**thanks go to mskathy who acted as fill in beta while my normal beta, arra584 is busy with RL stuff. this is kind of a short one (twss) and i kinda agonized over whether it should be longer. but honestly, if i had included the next part in the story, it wouldn't have flowed well. this is, hopefully, a bit of fluff before some much needed drama enters the scene. **

**Chapter title comes from the song "You Could Have It So Much Better" by Franz Ferdinand**  
**Chapter songs:**  
** "Desperate Guys" by The Faint**  
** "Moon Dreams" by Miles Davis**

**_quick recap: Edward and Vanessa just showed up at Bella's apartment for a double date with her and Jacob. Unfortunately, Bella had no idea Vanessa was bringing Edward. Also, Edward still has no idea what's going on with Emmett and Rosalie after the news about Edward and Rosalie's past came out._ **

* * *

"_Hey Shortcake."_

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Vanessa smirk.

"Bells, who's at the door?" Fucking Jacob the Tool came striding over, pulling on a shirt and buttoning it up. What a douche. Who comes to the door half dressed?

"Vanessa's here. With her, uh, date." Shortcake put some kind of emphasis on the word, though I had no idea what that meant.

"Oh-ho! Edward, right? Vanessa here..." did anyone else see the way he looked her up and down? "bagged herself a good one!"

I was literally biting my tongue to keep from saying something to Jacob. No good could come from insulting him in front of Bella.

Speaking of Bella…

"What is _he_ doing here?" She was trying to whisper to Vanessa, but obviously wasn't doing a good job since I could still hear her every word.

"He's my date, obviously." Vanessa wasn't trying to be quiet at all.

"But why _him_?"

What was _that_ supposed to mean?

"You're the one who suggested it. Or have you forgotten?" Vanessa's hands were at her hips, taking on a slightly defensive pose.

I vaguely noticed McTool standing beside me, as I stared with my mouth hanging wide open. My Shortcake wanted to set me up with Vanessa? Why? I thought she liked me. Shortcake wanted me. Or at least, I was hoping she did.

_Apparently not, since she's so quick to push you and Vanessa together._

Well that changed things, didn't it?

"Yeah, but, I didn't think you'd actually-"

"Actually follow through and ask him out? He's cute, so obviously I wanted to. That's why you suggested him anyway, right? Because he's cute?"

"I know but-"

"You know he's cute?"

"What? No! That's not what I meant!"

She didn't think I was cute?

"Then what did you mean?"

"I meant-"

Throat clearing next to me stopped all conversation and drew eyes to where Jacob and I were still standing by the open door.

"So, everybody ready? I'm starving." Jacob smiled awkwardly at all of us.

Bella blushed deep red when she realized I'd seen and heard everything. Vanessa smirked at her before turning her gaze to me. Her look said "told ya so." Except I could hardly believe Bella was jealous. She just said she didn't think I was cute. Not to mention she had tried hooking me up with Vanessa.

_What the fuck._

"Let's go," Bella mumbled as she slinked past me and grabbed McTool's hand.

"Yes, let's." Vanessa made a grab for my hand but I pulled it out reach. I didn't feel like extending the whole charade that far.

/~~/

There was no way to describe the torture of sitting in the backseat of Jacob's 4 Runner while Vanessa tried to grope me. Especially when I had to endure the Tool's giant paws manhandling my Shortcake. Plus his driving music was terrible.

"Do you care if I change it?" Bella was already leaning toward the radio.

"Aw, but Bells, I love this song!"

"Please, Jake? All the screaming is making my head hurt."

_Let her change it, asshole_.

"Fine. I guess."

"Thanks." I heard a kissy noise and wanted to gag. This night was going to be the death of me.

Different songs came on as Bella searched the radio. Who even still listened to the radio anymore? This douche needed to upgrade to a fucking iPod. Hell, even a fucking CD player would be better than the radio.

When Bella finally pulled away from the stereo, I was pleasantly surprised to hear what she had picked.

"Miles Davis?"

Bella turned her head around so she could see me. Even in the darkness I could see her smile. And it was gorgeous. The easy flow of music seemed to wrap around her and enhance her beauty. I could stare at her all night and not get sick of that face.

"Yeah," was all she said before turning back. But I noticed the smile never left her face as we continued driving.

We pulled up to a generic-style steak house. The kind with buckets of peanuts to shuck and eat while you wait, with cheesy rodeo paraphernalia dripping from the walls. The food would be fine, I was sure, but if it were _me _taking Bella out, it'd be somewhere fancy. I'd impress her. Wine, dine…and oh yes, sixty-nine her if she'd let me.

Vanessa spoke up for the first time since the car. "Mm, I love the prime rib here."

I suddenly realized I was playing the part of Vanessa's date. Which meant paying for her…thank God we weren't at a nicer restaurant after all. Still, a sick part of me knew she'd milk this for all it was worth.

"What else do they have here that's good?" Bella addressed her question to Vanessa, but it was Jacob who answered.

"Bells, it's a _steak _house. What does it matter? You get the steak!"

Bella managed a weak smile, but I didn't miss her soft words. "…don't really eat red meat."

What a douche. Fucking tool. He no doubt knows Bella's likes and dislikes. Why drag her here if she won't like the majority of the food served?

"Table for four?" The hostess grabbed menus and walked away, leading us back to our table. She was wearing a plain white button up shirt, tucked in to the tightest pair of jeans I'd ever seen.

_Nice ass._

"Don't ogle other women, idiot." Vanessa elbowed me painfully as we followed behind.

"Your server, Kerri, will be with you shortly. Enjoy your meal."

Bella and Jacob sat down on one side of the table. I noticed he didn't bother with holding the chair out for her. Tool. Determined to prove I was a better catch than him, I reached out to get the chair for Vanessa. Before I could though, she brushed past me and slid into the other one. The one directly across from Jacob. Leaving the only other seat, the one across from Bella, for me.

_Gulp._

I felt so nervous all of a sudden, knowing we were so close. We were face to face, eyes not having an excuse _not _to look at each other. I could reach out my hand and take hold of hers. I could extend my leg and slide my foot up and down her bare calf.

_Oh fuck._

"Are you okay, Edward? You look a little…flushed?" Oh the irony in Bella asking me that question.

"Is it hot in here?" I grabbed my ice water and gulped it down. "It's definitely hot in here."

"I think the only hot thing here is you, Eddie." Vanessa winked at me.

Without warning, Bella pushed away from the table and stood up. "I need to go to the lady's room." She started walking away, but stopped to call back. "Vanessa?"

"Ah, fuck," she grumbled.

When both women had left, Jacob shifted in his seat to look at me. I really hoped he wouldn't try to strike up a conversation with me. I had absolutely no desire to talk to the assclown. I was afraid if I did, I'd let something slip.

_Hey Tool, next time, take your girlfriend somewhere she wants to go._

_Hey Tool, do you think you could wear a smaller shirt?_

_Hey Tool, guess what? I wanna fuck your girlfriend, steal her away, and keep her so I can have my way with her whenever I like._

Right.

"What is it about girls that makes them go to the bathroom in groups?"

I looked up at him and realized he was waiting for a response. "Um…I don't know."

"Me either, dude. Can you imagine if I asked you to go with me? Edward, bro, let's go to the men's room. I'll let you shake it for me."

I nearly spat my drink all over the table. Jacob, clearly pleased at the reaction he caused, was laughing so hard entire tables of people were turning to get a look.

"Jesus, Jacob. Warn a guy."

"Sorry." But he didn't sound sorry as he kept laughing.

I bet he'd get along great with Emmett.

The mere thought of Emmett caused a twinge of pain in my chest. I still had no idea what was going on with him. Did Rosalie share all the shitty things I'd said to her in the aftermath of our falling out? Hopefully she explained the bitchy things she did first, so Emmett wouldn't find a reason to hate me anymore than he probably already did. Sure, I once sent her a text of "Roses are red, violets are blue, fuck you whore." But it was only in retaliation to her text of "Roses are red, violets are blue, you've got a small dick, and you suck in bed too."

Would Emmett hear all of the story, not just what Rosalie wanted him to hear?

"You like cars, Eddie?"

_Oh hell no. Eddie?_

"Yeah, I like them alright." If only this _boy _knew how much. He'd probably jizz himself over my car…or would've, if my car wasn't a heap of scrap metal now.

"You should come by my shop sometime, bro. Well, not _my _shop. My buddy's. Still, we've got some sweet rides over there. I'm helping restore a-"

"What'd we miss?" Vanessa and Bella's return saved me feigning interest. Not that I wouldn't normally be. I did like cars. I just didn't like Jacob. And I had no intention of being friendly with my competition. Especially because I think he _was_ trying to be friends, trying too hard. Tool.

I noticed Vanessa looked completely at ease, despite her mumbling before. Bella, however, looked almost nervous. I wondered what they talked about in the bathroom. Me, maybe?

"I was just telling Eddie about the hot rod we've got at my shop." Jacob flashed a smile at both women.

"Ooh, whatcha workin on?" Vanessa seemed genuinely interested as she leaned forward to listen.

"Oh, uh, well…I'm sure you don't really want to hear about it." He seemed surprised at the eagerness in her voice.

"Try me."

"Oh boy, here we go."

I caught Bella in the middle of an epic eye roll. "Don't like cars, Shortcake?" I spoke quietly to avoid drawing attention to us.

"Understatement." She smiled, then blushed when she saw my answering one. "Sorry, I know you like cars."

She remembered that?

"I do. But not to the point that I have to talk about it every chance I get. Especially not if others aren't interested. Cars aren't my life."

_Hint, hint._

"So I suppose you like talking about medically related things then."

"Sometimes, sure. But not usually when in the company of a beautiful woman." I stole a glance at Vanessa and Jacob to make sure they were engrossed enough to miss my attempts at subtle flirting.

"Right, Vanessa." Bella looked down at her menu. "She's very beautiful. But she _likes _cars and is a nurse. So she could talk to you about either."

She thought I was referring to Vanessa? Please. Couldn't let her keep up that assumption.

"I meant you, Beautiful." I paused to watch what Bella would do. She looked up at me through thick lashes, the prettiest blush making her skin look like strawberries and cream. "Besides, I don't want to talk about either."

"Then what _do_ you want to talk about?"

Before I could answer, our server was in front of us.

"Ready to order?"

"Yeah, I'm starving!" Jacob started rubbing his stomach like a moron.

Fuck. The menu was open in my hands, but I hadn't even bothered to look at it. I was too distracted.

While Jacob and Vanessa ordered – yes, she did seem to get the entire left side of the menu – I quickly scanned my options. There really wasn't much besides red meat, but I did enjoy a nice steak, so wasn't too put out by it.

"I'll have the Chicken Caesar Salad, please."

"Really, Bells? We go out to eat and you get a _salad_?"

_Shut up douchebag._

"I guess I feel like a salad is all."

I watched, shocked, as they bickered a little bit over her choice. While Jacob looked like his words were all said in good fun, Bella looked really upset. Her face was flushed with anger and her eyes were glassy. It made me so fucking angry. She shouldn't have to defend her choices to him or anyone else.

"I'd like the same, please."

"What? C'mon, Eddie." The Eddie thing had to stop. "Get the prime rib. You'll be begging for some once mine and Nessie's come out." Did he just call her _Nessie? _He gave her a fucking nickname?

The way Vanessa smiled at Jacob had me thinking she really liked it. Could she be feeling him right now? That seemed really fucking wrong, considering she's friends with Bella. Though I guess her stealing Jacob away could work in my favor.

"I'm watching my girlish figure." I spat out the words, really fucking annoyed at the boy. Dude could not take a fucking hint.

I was _so _annoyed, I couldn't speak even after our waitress had collected the menus and put our order in. A gentle nudge against my foot made me look up. Bella's gaze was fixed on me.

"Thank you," she mouthed.

I didn't feel so annoyed anymore.

Jacob and Vanessa struck up their conversation again. The silence between Bella and me wasn't uncomfortable but still filled with a weird tension. As I looked up at her, I realized how much I wanted to leave with her and forget the other two. Wanted it bad.

"What would you like to talk about?" Bella spoke out at last.

"Huh?"

"If you don't want to talk about cars or medicine, what _do _you want to talk about?"

I thought back to how gorgeous Bella looked in the car, darkness surrounding her creamy skin as she smiled to the music of Miles Davis.

"How about music?"

The way her eyes lit up made me feel warm all over.

/~~/

My salad sat virtually untouched as Bella and I talked. Watching her hands gesturing wildly, her eyes widening with amusement, and her tongue darting out to moisten lips dry from talking was too much. I was turned on to the point of combustion. Never before had I found this aspect of "dating" so appealing. I was totally enamored with the girl sitting across from me. And just a little bit freaked out by that fact.

_Or a lot freaked out._

Our waitress came back several times throughout the meal, refilling drinks, clearing away plates, and asking if we'd like dessert.

"Got any strawberry shortcake?"

The words were out before I had a chance to think them through. Bella choked on her drink when I winked at her and Vanessa stomped on my foot. Jacob looked lost. No surprise there.

"No, but we have a raspberry cheesecake. That's kind of similar."

"Not even close." I couldn't take my eyes off Bella, my Shortcake, who was blushing again. She had to know how I felt. How could she not?

/~~/

"Will this be on one check or do you want it split up?"

"Split please," I nodded.

When she came back, the waitress handed one card holder to me and the other to Jacob. I opened it and went immediately to the total. It seemed awfully low, especially the way Vanessa had pigged out. Scanning the check further, I realized both salads were on my ticket. No prime rib. The waitress put Bella's order on mine.

"Excuse me, Kerri, but there's been a mistake. We're together," Jacob said, motioning at Bella and himself, "and these two are together."

"Oh! I'm sorry. I just thought that with how…" She trailed off, bright red with embarrassment. " I'll go fix that right away."

_She thought Bella and I were together. We _should _be together._

Even the stupid waitress saw it. Bella and I were a much better match than her and McTool. I only hoped Bella was picking up on this.

"Let's go dancing!" Vanessa squealed as we walked out of the restaurant.

If I had to watch Bella dancing alone, or especially with Jacob, I would lose it. I'd end up grabbing and pulling her away. Then humping her leg on the dance floor like some stupid dog. While probably enjoyable, not the best idea.

"Sounds fun," Jacob nodded.

"I don't think so," Bella sighed out. "I'm really tired."

"Aww, c'mon, Bells. We need to get out more. I hardly know the city."

"Not tonight, Jake. I'm tired. I think I need to get home."

They stared at each other for a few awkward seconds before Jacob let out a huff. "Fine. Later. Whatever. We never do anything fun anymore."

"Do you feel as uncomfortable as I do right now?" Vanessa whispered in my ear as I opened the car door for her.

When I leaned in the whisper back, I noticed Bella watching us. She looked…angry.

The ride home was worse than the ride out. It was obvious Bella and Jacob were upset with each other. Weird that it was over something as small as going dancing. I didn't want to end things on a bad note, because I felt like Bella and I had a lot of fun, regardless of Jacob's idiocy. I couldn't have him ruining our good night.

Leave it to fucking Jacob to screw it up.

As we pulled into the parking garage at Bella's apartment, I leaned forward in my seat to get closer to Bella. I managed to speak softly in her ear. "I had a lot fun, Shortcake. We should do this again sometime." I looked right at her, praying she'd understand. That she wouldn't misinterpret my words to mean I'd like a double date. All I wanted was to go out with Bella.

_Don't you mean _fuck _Bella?_

_Shut up, you._

"I had fun too."

And then we were saying our goodbyes and goodnights, stepping out of the car and walking away. A part of me was discouraged at not having the opportunity to kiss her goodnight. Even a hug would've been better than just walking away. I wish I could say I didn't turn around to watch Bella walk inside, to catch a last fleeting glimpse of her. But I did.

Then again, she was looking back at me too.

* * *

**i'm not sure how i feel about my line breaks, but since ffnet got rid of using hyphens (right?) i made do.**  
**anyway, thanks all for being patient with me. if you enjoyed, lemme know. if you hated, lemme know.**  
**again, i'll mention i'm putting myself up for FGB, coming soon. i'm offering a BPOV for this story, winner chooses which chapter/scene she wants. i'm also offering up other stuff too. so if you feel so inclined, and would like to donate some money to a good cause, look me up. :)**


	16. Break

**disclaimer: it's stephAnie. not stephEnie**

**a/n: shit guys, i don't even know what to say. just...i'm sorry. for a lot of things. but i'll get to that at the a/n at the end of this.  
thanks go to arra584 for being a super savvy beta and helping me out. **

**chapter title:  
Break by The Cinematics  
chapter songs:  
Cell Phone by Jack's Mannequin (rec'd by my beautiful bondmate melooza1)  
I Lied My Face Off by Alkaline Trio  
Diseased by Saves The Day**

**

* * *

**

I was going back to work today. After months of injury and recovery, I was fucking back. Walking into the hospital as a doctor rather than a patient felt really fucking good…even if I did have a slight limp from my leg. No matter. I felt like a pimp strolling through the hallways, knowing all eyes were on me, knowing the female staff was itching to get with me now that I was whole and healthy.

_Not that you should care about the other girls…right?_

It had been a week since my date with Bella. Ok, well, my date with Vanessa. I hadn't heard a thing from or about my Shortcake in that time. No phone calls, texts, or late night visits telling me she wasn't with Jacob the Tool anymore.

_She doesn't have your number or address._

_But she does have Vanessa's who has yours._

Vanessa told me there was still no ring on Bella's finger. It was a small consolation in an otherwise frustrating situation. Short of asking her what was up, I had no way of knowing and I wouldn't ask. I wasn't _that _guy. The guy that fawned all over some set of tits. No way. No how.

So I decided to keep quiet about everything. On the outside, I'd be Mr. Perfectly Content. On the inside though, I'd be questioning every little thing about Bella. Especially if I ran into her at work today. That was unlikely with our opposite schedules and completely different fields of work. Still, the idea of seeing my Shortcake, all uninterested and possibly engaged freaked me the fuck out.

_God, you're such a pussy. How'd you get so far gone on this chick?_

"How are you feeling, Edward?" James came out of nowhere, blocking my way.

"Good, pumped to be back." Though I knew that's not what he was really asking me about. Goddamn nosey friend.

I had been avoiding him ever since my outburst. He knew too much as far as I was concerned: too much about Bella, too much about me. Damn perceptive, that guy was. That made him dangerous. He could go to Stevens at any time. Hell, he could even go to Bella if he thought I was doing something inappropriate. I didn't need that worry.

"So you're sleeping fine?"

_Way to cut through the bullshit._

"Sure." As if I'd tell him anything else.

"Without the aid of any, uh, pharmaceutical needs?"

"Does it matter?"

"Of course it does."

I paused, trying to think of how best to answer him without giving anything away. "Well, to help put your mind at ease, I have not turned to anything…pharmaceutical, as you put it." Not yet anyway.

"Been drinking?"

"No, Father." Hadn't we already had this conversation? "I haven't been drinking. Get off my dick, James." He didn't need to know that was a half-truth.

After my date night, I felt so optimistic about the possibility between Bella and me. Things seemed so strained between her and Jacob. And things between us seemed so good. So easy and natural. But as days went by and I heard nothing, my hopes diminished. I'd spent quite a few nights with my hand wrapped around a glass, a bottle - I wasn't picky – until I passed out. I still had bizarre dreams, but they weren't enough to have me waking up in a cold sweat.

Only last night did I avoid anything more than a sip so I could have my wits about me for work. First day back and I didn't need anything fucking it up. I was a little tired, but hell, what doctor wasn't? I'd performed on much less sleep when I was still in school, still a measly intern, and more yet when I was trying to prove myself to become an attending.

"Edward, you don't look good."

"That's not what your mom said last night." Uh... "I don't know where that came from. Sorry."

James stood there, blinking stupidly at me for what seemed like ages. "It's okay, man. I'm sure you're a little nervous to be back."

"What's to be nervous about? I'm the fucking man. How this place ran without me, I'll never know."

A soft chuckle came from James. "There's the cocky bastard I know and sometimes like." His smile seemed genuine. I felt a sense of comfort that I'd disarmed him from the overly attentive, nervous self he seemed to be around me lately.

"You know it." I smirked at him, only half-believing my words. Seemed I wasn't quite as confident in my arrogance since Bella showed up.

My pager blared on my side. "Looks like you're being summoned." James walked off, leaving me to half-run, half-shuffle to Trauma.

"What're we looking at?" I squeezed my way beside Gerandy, his surgical apron already covering his scrubs.

"Nasty car accident. Victim's male, mid to late 20s, crashed once already on the way over."

"ETA?"

"Any minute now."

A sense of excitement and something else coursed through me as I washed and suited up. It had been so long since I'd felt that rush of adrenaline from an emergency. This was what I did best: quick, snap decision-making. Healing but not really caring. Nothing long term. Nothing that involved niceties or a good bedside manner. While I could be charming and most likely work well with patients, I didn't like to. They got too needy, too annoying. And so I purposely kept myself in an area where I didn't have to, and couldn't even if I wanted to, get close to any of the people wheeled in. I liked it that way.

We were standing just outside the door, anticipating our patient…some dumb fuck who probably wasn't paying attention as he ran a red light.

_Like the dumb fuck that hit you?_

The flashing lights and sirens pulled my view towards the oncoming ambulance. Paramedics were out the doors before it came to a complete stop, pulling open the back and readying the victim for us.

"What've we got guys?" Gerandy had already rushed over to the gurney.

I saw one of the men open his mouth and respond, but just then I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear over the buzz in my ears that was so strong it pressed on my brain and made my head throb. The victim was on his back, brace on his neck, respirator at his mouth. His face was bloody and swollen, eyes shut and mouth a slashed line of pain in his face. His shirt was cut up and coated in blood. Same with the paramedic's exam gloves. No longer the foggy white, but deep rust red. Blood. Red. It's all I could see. It was everywhere.

Blood. Red. Blood red. Blood red.

Four strong hands gripped the too still body and heaved it onto a bed. Pain flew out of that mouth, contorting lips and bearing teeth. Chest heaved then stopped. Lids fluttered. Frenzy of people swarmed around the body.

"Cullen,"

Their mouths moved, their hands worked. I remained rooted.

"Cullen!"

_Save him. Help him. Oh god he's dying. He's in so much pain can't you see? So much pain and oh god, save me. Dying. I'm dying. _

" DOCTOR CULLEN!" A face in my line-of-sight focused my attention.

"Huh?" Sort of.

"Get him out of here!" Gerandy's gruff voice barked at two residents.

Now there were four hands on me, somewhat gently guiding me away from Trauma, urging me to sit my ass down on a hard plastic chair, to put my head between my knees and to take deep breaths.

And just what the fuck was going on with me?

OOO

_Time passes, days go by, I feel out of tune with myself. Like I'm me, but not. People talk to me and I talk back. But it's all automatic. I'm not really putting in any effort with anyone. I'm not sure why. _

OOO

"I'm recommending you get some counseling, Dr. Cullen."

"That's not necessary, Dr. Stevens."

"Oh, so you didn't completely lose your shit earlier? Seeing that kid wheeled in didn't hit a little too close to home?"

"Well, maybe. But it won't happen again."

"Damn right. Because you're not stepping foot inside Trauma until you get your shit sorted out."

"I'll be fine. I don't need to see someone."

"That's a shame. Because this isn't so much a request as it is an order. You will see one of the counselors here."

"Or else?"

"Or else you can forget about coming back to work."

OOO

_Tick, tock. Tick, tock._

_Tap, tap, tap._

"You can sit here in silence all you want, Edward; it won't do you any good. I won't clear you for work if you don't talk to me."

"I have nothing to say to you."

"Maybe not yet. But I can be patient. And very persuasive if need be. We'll talk."

"If you say so."

OOO

"_Doctor _Hessler."

"You know you can call me Peter, Edward. Especially since you view me as somehow less a doctor than you. Maybe it would be better to address me less formally."

"I never said-"

"You didn't have to. I may be young, but I'm not stupid. Or did you miss all the degrees on the walls?"

OOO

_Even though things are going to shit, I still try and find her. I walk by the places she frequents, make excuses to talk to Elizabeth, anything for a glimpse. But today I wish I hadn't. _

OOO

"Bells-"

"Jake, thanks for coming. I know you're busy, but I just had to see you."

"This couldn't wait until later tonight? I mean, I'm picking you up in a little less than six hours."

"It's really important. Remember your question? I've got an answer now."

OOO

"You're a lot moodier than normal, Edward. What's going on?"

"As if I'd tell you."

"You don't have to. But you should know that I'm here to listen if you need someone."

"Right, because you get paid to do this shit."

"And because I want to. As a friend."

"We're not friends."

"We could be. I'd like to be."

"Whatever."

_I don't need paid friends. If I'm paying anyone for their company, it'll be a hooker. Fuck that._

OOO

"Edward, have you talked to Emmett recently?"

"No."

"He sounds awful. But he won't tell any of us what's going on. He's always liked you best. Maybe you can get him to talk about whatever's wrong?"

"I don't think so."

OOO

"Bellaaaaaa!"

"Hey Vanessa. How are you?"

"Good. So…how does it feel?"

_I'm a fucking masochist. Why did I have to go looking for her?_

OOO

"_Edward, it's Mom. Dad and I were wondering if you could make it to dinner tomorrow night. I know you're not feeling well right now. But it's important. Really…important. Please come by. Six o'clock. I love you."_

_OOO_

"Edward, you're not sleeping. Are you?"

"Of course I am."

"Really? Could've fooled me."

"What do you care if I'm sleeping or not anyway?"

"Jesus, Edward. I'm your friend. I'm worried."

OOO

"Laurent, you gonna be home later tonight? I need to stop by."

OOO

"Emmett," _inhale, _"man, it's Edward. I don't know what's going on, but you're avoiding me." _Inhale. _"If this is about Rosalie, man, I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say, man. Seriously. You gotta know that I didn't want you to find out. Not like that. Not ever if I had any say about it. It's pretty fucked up and man, I am so-"

"Edward."

"Hey! I thought you weren't home."

"I gathered that based on you leaving me a message on my machine."

"So why didn't you answer?"

"Because I don't want to talk to you."

"Fuck, Emmett. I'm sorry."

"I know. You keep saying that. But you don't need to. Rosalie explained everything."

"Oh shit."

"She admitted it was all her fault."

"What?"

"You were right. I should've listened to you. She's a slut. Me and her? Not a good idea."

"What are you saying, Emmett?"

"We broke up."

OOO

"Quit staring at Bella like that."

"Shut the fuck up, James. I'll stare at her any way I want to."

"Just because we're in the cafeteria doesn't mean you can ogle her like she's something you can eat."

"Mm, strawberries."

"Quit fucking with me."

"Right. I'd rather be fucking with her."

_Deep sigh. _"You may think you're fooling me. But I've known you too long. Your heart's not really into it right now."

"Why are you worried about my heart? It's my dick-"

"You really like her. And you're torn up over it. Is she still with her boyfriend?"

"They're fucking engaged, James. I don't stand a chance."

"Really?"

"Saw it with my own two eyes."

"Shit, man."

"Yeah, you can say that again."

_I'm so fucking transparent. Even James can see it. This is a problem._

OOO

"Hi Edward."

_Please don't blush Shortcake because you are so beautiful when you do and I can't handle it right now and what I don't need is to lose it over you. Isn't it bad enough I like you this much and you don't even care because you have a fucking fiancé to worry about?_

"Bella."

_It's better to walk away, better to think I'm an asshole. I am an asshole. _

OOO

_Today is a bad day. Or more like a worse day. I don't want to sit with Doctor Hessler and do this right now. I'm afraid I might actually say something._

OOO

"So, Bella, huh?"

"What?"

"I see everything."

"Was that supposed to sound scary, Dr. Hessler?"

"Are you ever going to call me Peter?"

"Maybe. Maybe not."

"Right. Well, while you're making up your mind over that, why don't you tell me what it is about Bella that you like so much."

"You're a relationship expert too?"

"More like, an expert on people in general."

"And in your expertise, I like Bella."

"A lot."

'Hmph."

"So you're not denying it."

"I'm not admitting it, either."

"That's as good as a yes in my opinion."

"Which means nothing to me."

"Liar. You lie about _everything. _And to _everyone. _Including yourself. Are you ever honest with yourself, Edward?"

"You want honesty? Fine. How about this? This is the first time I've ever felt like this about a woman. The first time I haven't been able to charm my way into bed. The first time I've wanted…more. And nothing I can do will help me because she doesn't care. I don't matter. Every time I have to see her and know there's no chance, I feel so fucking lost. I wish I didn't have these feelings. I hate them."

"Edward-"

"Time's up, Doc."

_Knew I'd say too much. Fuck my life_

OOO

"I just wanted to warn you before we go inside, Emmett and Rosie broke up."

"I know, Alice."

"What? He told you? When?"

"Uh…"

"Alice. Edward. We're in the living room."

"Ooh, all formal. I wonder what's going on?"

"You scared, Alice?"

"Maybe a little."

_Me too._

OOO

"Cancer?"

"I'm sorry."

"How-"

"Stage IV."

"What the hell? You're a goddamn doctor. Haven't you been getting screened?"

"Edward-"

"Fucking colon cancer, Carlisle! You know symptoms don't always manifest until it's too late! How-"

"Edward-"

"-could you let it get this bad?"

"Please-"

"I can't take this right now."

"Someone go after him. He shouldn't drive in this condition."

"Don't worry, Dad, I picked him up."

"Good."

OOO

_Need…something. Something to take my mind off everything. No more thoughts of _her_ or _him _or anything. Need to wash them all away._

OOO

"Maybe you've had enough."

"Jesus Christ, you are a walking cliché."

"Can I get a round for me and my girls?"

_Strawberries? Do I smell…_

"Sure thing, beautiful."

_A giggle. But not _hers.

"So…come here often?"

"Are you talking to me?"

"Yup."

_Long brown hair. Kind of like…no._

"You don't talk much huh? That's okay, I can talk for the both of us. The name's Heidi. I'm here with my friends for a bachelorette party. It's been one epic bar crawl and god I am soooo drunk. I mean-"

_She's drunk. And she wants me. I can see it in her eyes. Maybe…_

"I'm Edward."

* * *

**so...okay...see what happened was, edward just fell apart. this is why the majority of the chapter is disjointed and confusing and stuff. it's on purpose. and before you all worry that i just skimmed past a whole bunch of important stuff, things will be discussed in detail later on. since it's all in edward's pov, you only get what he's getting. i swear you'll get more. and hopefully quicker since i have a huge portion of next chapter already written. in fact, i've had it written for awhile. anyway /rant**

i'm very interested to hear what you have to say. seriously. please? help me out here. 


	17. Use Somebody

**disclaimer: it's stephAnie not stephEnie**

**a/n: thanks again to the ever talented arra584 for being my beta. annie, you're the reason this is going up right now. ily. **

**chapter title:  
Use Somebody by Kings of Leon (in name alone, not substance)  
chapter songs:  
Me vs Maradona vs Elvis by Brand New  
Another Innocent Girl by Alkaline Trio  
Cooking Wine by Alkaline Trio  
**

**if you make it thru the entire chapter, there's a lengthier a/n at the bottom  
epic flouncing is about to be had...**

**

* * *

**

_I'm going to fuck this girl._

We'd only been talking for a few minutes, but I already knew. Knew because she wouldn't leave me alone, even though her friends were yelling at her to join them at their table. Knew because she couldn't stop touching me. Knew because it had been so long since I'd been with anyone that I really needed this.

Knew because Bella was going to marry Jacob, and if I couldn't have her, I'd just have to settle for what I could get.

It helped that Heidi was wearing a brunette wig. Apparently all of her friends were: some pink, some blue, some orange. For shits and giggles, she said. _It's just a thing we do when one of us is getting married. _Didn't matter much to me. Her hair, for right now, was brown and it made me ache inside.

_No._

Thinking about Bella right now was a bad idea. That was one of the reasons I was here, wasn't it? One of the reasons I couldn't even think past the immediate responses and stimuli in front of my face. No more. I was focusing on getting this girl naked and under me and that was enough to keep me grounded. _Think about Heidi and that's it. Then everything will be okay. _Well, not okay, but at least it'd be a temporary respite from the shit-storm of my life.

Still, she was so goddamn annoying. I played a little game with myself. Every time she asked a question, I took a shot. I was well on my way to being completely fucking wasted.

"So, Edward, what do you do?"

_Shot._

"I'm a doctor." I could practically hear her mental _cha-ching._

"Ooh, very cool. So you get to save lives for a living?"

I'm pretty sure she saw me roll my eyes, but thankfully, she didn't say a thing to me. Good thing, because I had a shot to take.

"So is the bride-to-be going going to get completely shit-faced and do something stupid like hook up with some random guy?"

She cackled. "Oh most definitely. Don't say anything, but she's kind of a slut."

"Oh." Heidi gave me a weird look, like she expected me to take some kind of sick pleasure out of what she said. But I didn't. Poor guy. He probably had no idea his wife-to-be was out getting some last-minute, anonymous sex. Although, he could be doing the same thing.

_This is why I could never get married._

"You wanna get out of here? I don't live that far..." Heidi was stroking my thigh.

"Yes." 

_One more parting shot. And thank you alcohol for taking away any guilt for this random hook up._

"Heidi! Oooooh!" 

_Drunken girls are the best. And worst. _  
_  
_Good thing she lived close. Because driving? Impossible. And walking? Really hard right now.

OOO

I followed her inside, stumbling along. Watched her already stripping off her clothes. Her wig was falling off. I absolutely hated the blonde I saw. She tried to take the wig off, but I stopped her.

"Leave it on." I grabbed her wrist to prove I was serious.

"But blondes have more fun." She winked at me. Though it looked like she was blinking. She was wasted.

"I said leave it."

She got it..._fucking finally, _stopped touching the fake hair, and left it there.

Better.

I pulled my shirt over my head and threw it somewhere. Who the fuck cared where. Stepped out of shoes, socks, pants, and underwear. Don't know where those went either. I was completely naked and looking around. Heidi? I was naked in her living room. By myself.

What the fuck?

"In the kitchen, lover."

She stood at the counter, naked except for the wig. The only thing that looked good on her. Now pouring shots of, _can't tell what that..._oh, tequila. She _would_ give that to me.

I'd drank enough already, but whatever. She wanted to get me shit-faced. So ok with that. Helps with the whole conscience thing. Tipped back one shot and then another. Ready to drink myself stupid.

And all of a sudden I was in her room with Heidi all laid out on the bed. How did I get here?

"I want you inside me now." She bent her knees and spread her legs. I could see her pussy: bare and pink and _oh yes_. Her right hand went down to play with her clit.

So hard and so fucking ready. I hadn't been inside a girl in too damn long and I couldn't wait.

Plus her slurred words and wig made her look more like…someone. Fuck, more like _her. _Don't think about that shit now.

Heidi shoved a condom in my hand and thank God for that. I had no idea where this bitch had been. And I didn't feel like getting some rash on my junk.

I slid latex down my shaft, in a hurry to feel her pussy wrapped around me. Hoping and needing it to be extra thin so I could feel more. Shouldn't I make sure she got hers? I usually would do that. Get a girl off a couple times with my fingers or tongue.

But I didn't want to put my lips up against her cunt.

And my cock was too impatient.

I pressed up against her. Craving that slow tight entrance.

But it never came.

She wasn't tight. My cock was crying. He needed it tight. I was pretty fucking big, she was pretty fucking loose. Bad combination.

Ever heard of kegels, slut?

It was just ok, at least for me, especially with the rubber on. Loss of feeling anyway, without the added loss of tightness around my cock. But she kept _moaning, _like somegoddamn porn star, every time I thrust.

This was gonna take me fucking forever to get off. God how I needed to get off! I pulled out, thinking _hell, I'm ok with a blow job_. Her mouth would have to be tighter, right? She looked up at me. Was that a smile or smirk? Fucking drunk slut. Lips all loose from booze. Shit would that make the bj bad? Couldn't wait to shove my head between those lips and wipe that look off her face. Instead she pushed me back.

"You want to fuck my ass, baby?" she brought her legs up over her head and fucking gaped her ass for me.

Dude.

How much did she like cock in her ass?

Definitely tighter than her pussy, right?

"Lube." I thrust my hand out, knowing she kept it nearby. Sure she was prepared for this.

"How do you want me?"

"On all fours." That way I didn't have to see her face.

She rolled over, ass sticking up for me from behind, with that long brown wig trailing down her back. She could've been _her. _

Bella.

Bella: naked on all fours, wet and tight and ready for me. Ready for my cock. Happy to take it in her pussy or her ass. Both so tight for me.

I lubed up one finger, spreading around that little puckered hole then pushing inside. Feeling how warm, and fuck yes, how tight she was. I added another finger and stretched her so good.

On my knees behind her, I spread the lube down my cock, guiding it towards her and slowly entering.

And it was good. So very good. So tight and fucking warm all around me. And I knew this is what _she'd _feel like too.

I was thrusting, harder and harder, forgetting I was in her ass, not her pussy. Just loving the way I felt, thinking _oh God, Bella._

And she was moaning, loving how deep I was inside her, how much I filled her.

She reached a hand between her legs.

"Are you touching yourself?" Brown hair bobbed in answer.

"That's good. Play with your clit. Finger fuck yourself."

Fuck, Bella would so do that for me if I asked. She'd love me taking charge.

The moans got louder. Bella's noises. _Oh God._

Then I was pushing down, hands spread flat on her cheeks, going deeper, fucking her harder. Pinning her down against the mattress, trapping her furious hand, plowing into her. Not letting her move away as I lost all sense of control.

And god it was so _fucking _amazing. Such a good, little girl letting me do dirty things. Loving my cock in her ass. Crying out my name.

"Edward, I'm coming!"

She tightened around me. So good, too much. And I couldn't last.

She knew it too.

"Baby, I want you to come in my mouth. I wanna taste my ass."

Bella? Saying that?

I couldn't stop to think. I just pulled out, seeing the brown hair whip around and her pink lips part for me.

_Stroke and squeeze. _I wanted to bury myself in her throat, to feel her swallow down my cock and take down all I gave her.

_Stroke, squeeze, stroke squeeze. A_nd oh fuck! There it was. I tried to shove inside her little mouth.

Instead, she stuck out her tongue letting me come all over it and her lips. Hearing her moan as if she liked it, like she thought I'd enjoy it. I would rather watch my cock disappear between those lips.

She reached out, started stroking, milking the rest of my cum, sucked my head in her mouth, licked me clean.

"Fuck." It felt good.

"You like that?"

I didn't want to look down at her, to see blue eyes instead of brown. So, I closed my eyes and there she was, my Bella. On her knees, a drop of cum on the corner of her mouth, smiling at me.

"Mmm, Bella." Now all I wanted was to lay down next to her and fall asleep.

"Who the fuck is Bella?"

I sobered up enough to realize calling the girl who just took it up the ass for me by the wrong name is a bad thing. A very bad thing.

"Sorry…" Scrambling to remember her name.

"Heidi." She sounded angry. I looked away, not wanting to see the pissed-off look. Even if it was totally justified.

"Heidi." I nodded, but I was so tired. My eyes were closing. Heavy lids.

"You need to leave before you fall asleep."

What? The Bitch couldn't even let me pass out here?

"So tired."

"You need to leave before Marcus shows up."

"Marcus?" Roommate, maybe?

"My fiancé. You know, the reason I was even at that pathetic hole-in-the-wall to begin with."

Fiancé. Heidi was the one getting married? I just…she…me and her…

_Fuck!_

"I'm gonna be sick."

"Can you wait till you get outside? I don't want to clean up after you."

I stumbled around putting on my clothes, wanting to get outside and breathe fresh air. Air that wasn't thick with disgusting, dirty, guilty sex.

I took big gulps of air when I got outside and then I could think more clearly. Clearly enough to wonder how the fuck I was supposed to get home. No car and too late for a taxi. Definitely too far to walk.

_Goddamn it._

But even in my drunken state, I could recognize where I was. Because of _her. _Figures if it had to do with her I'd know.

I was trying to sober up while I made my way down somewhat hazily remembered streets, not wanting to scare her. But, hell, I'd probably still scare her. And she'd probably close the door in my face. Oh Christ! Jacob would probably be there. But what choice did I have?

As I got nearer, the more familiar things became. I could tell because of the weird giddy sensation I felt back then. Back when I was excited at the idea of being with her. Of impressing her. Of making her see I was the one for her, not Jacob. I felt that giddy sensation now. Just because I'd get to see her.

Goddamn fool. That's what I am.

I'm at her door before I can think through the idea. And I'm knocking on her door. Hard. Harder. Waiting. Is she going to come let me in? Where can I crash if she doesn't? Because I won't be making it home. No way.

Still nothing. I've turned around. Ready to go. When I hear it. The slide of a deadbolt. The whoosh of the door. And then...

"Edward?"

OOO

"You don't look so good, Edward."

I laughed, then burped, then needed to throw up. "Bathroom?"

"This way." She grabbed my hand and led me down the hallway. Her hand was so warm and right and maybe I squeezed it a little too hard. "I'll go get you some water. You'll need it."

Bella left, thank god, because I didn't need her seeing me vomit everywhere. She came back with water in hand, however, while my face was still stuck in the toilet.

"Just leave it."

But she didn't. She sat down next to me. Rubbed my neck. And back. So nice. So sweet.

"Feels good. Thanks."

"What happened, Edward?"

"Everything."

She nodded like she understood. Which she didn't. But that was okay. Because she was here.

"Drink."

I did.

"Sorry to just...show up here. I know you're probably tired and don't need me here puking in your bathroom and-"

"It's okay. Come on, let's get you in bed."

I expected a guest room. But the turned-down covers and clothes scattered around the floor told me one thing.

_I'm in Bella's room._

"Your room?" And no my voice didn't squeak.

"Yeah. Is that okay? I'll take the couch. You should be as comfortable as possible since you're not well."

"No, I can't...can't take your bed. Can't let you sleep on the couch."

"It's okay, Edward. I don't mind."

"But Jacob would."

"Whatever." Not exactly the response I was expecting.

She helped me sit, bent to take off my shoes, and maybe if I wasn't so drunk and hadn't just fucked Heidi I'd have gotten turned on by how close she was to my dick. But, no, I couldn't see it as dirty when she was being so sweet. Why was she being so sweet to me?

"Lie down," she whispered in my ear, brushing the hair out of my face.

Could she get any more incredible?

"You're incredible."

Shit, did I say that out loud?

"Thanks." A brush of lips against my forehead and she was on her way out the door.

"Wait!" She paused, turned around and looked at me expectantly.

"Yes?"

"You shouldn't have to sleep on the couch. This is your place. Your bed. We can share."

"What?"

"I mean, shit, I'm not saying this to get you in bed with me." _Even if I do want you in bed with me. _"I don't want you to be uncomfortable. Stay. Please. I promise I won't make a move. You've got nothing to worry about. I already had sex earlier tonight. I'm totally drained." _Oh fuck. I didn't just say that...shit. Shit._ "Shit. I mean, you don't have to worry because I know you're engaged and all. And I don't want to piss off Jacob. Or weird you out. I like you, Bella."

She looked really angry. Not a good sign.

"I think it would probably be better if I stayed on the couch."

"Why? I just told you-"

"I'm trying really hard not to be hurt by something you did when we're not even..." She shook her head hard.

"When we're not even what?"

"Nothing. We're nothing." And now she looked sad. "How could you...? What did you do? Go to a bar and pick up some innocent girl so you could have sex with her?"

"No, it wasn't like that." I couldn't do this right now. I was still too drunk. "You don't understand." I know I was whining.

"You're right. I don't understand. I don't understand why sometimes, against my better judgment, I like you." Hearing her sound so upset...I couldn't take it.

"I'll just go. I'm sorry I bugged you. Never again." I made to get out of bed.

"No," she sighed and put up a hand to stop me. "You shouldn't be out like this. Stay."

"K. I'll just go sleep on the couch."

"No, Edward. Stay here. If it makes you feel better, I'll...I'll sleep in the bed with you. It's big enough."

I didn't put up much of a fight, part of me sickeningly happy just to have her near me. She moved to the other side and got in. _Oh God, she's in bed. With me. _

"I promise I won't tell Jacob."

"He's not even an issue. We broke up."

"Yeah?" I tried really hard not to sound happy.

"Yeah." Her back was to me, and she had scooted all the way over to the edge of the bed.

But she was here...with me. And she and Jacob weren't engaged. They weren't even dating.

Not a bad night overall.

* * *

**so, before you all hate me...uh...well, you can hate me. it's okay. but this has been planned from the beginning. and is just another incite into poor edward's fuckupedness. the inner monologue-ing and thoughts and stuff are a little out of whack thanks to our dear friend alcohol. honestly, many of you suspected it would happen. and begged for it not to. i didn't reply to reviews bc i was afraid i would give it up and just go SORRY IT'S GONNA HAPPEN.  
please note, though, the silver lining at the end of the chapter. no engagement. this is good news, yes? yes. it can only go up from here? *side eye***


	18. Again I Go Unnoticed

**huh. how long has it been? yikes. this is totally ubeta'd, but preread by my dearest melooza even tho she doesn't really know what's going on in this.  
and this chapter is dedicated to mycrookedsmile who basically stuck her foot up my ass, and presented me with a challenge to finish that i couldn't back down from. huzzah.  
**

**chapter title:  
Again I Go Unnoticed by Dashboard Confessional (song lyrics themselves hold no relevance to the chapter)  
**

**chapter songs:  
Without Panasos by The Anniversary  
Cooking Wine by Alkaline Trio  
Back to You by Osker  
Be Still My Heart by The Postal Service**

* * *

_Edward_

Amazing how even in a dream, her voice rang out perfect and beautiful and so real she could be right next to me.

_Edward, wake up._

But waking up meant I wouldn't hear her. It meant I couldn't imagine my life was anything other than a shitstorm of anger and loss and confusion and fucking heartbreak.

_Shh, Edward._

So soothing.

But that poking was _not._

I rolled over, groaned and opened my eyes in time to see Bella peering at me from her side of the bed.

_What?_

"Edward, sweetheart, wake up. Shhh, it's okay."

"Bella? What...what am I doing here?"

"You don't remember?"

She brought a hand up to my face, so tender, and trailed her fingers under my eyes.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm sorry I woke you up. But you were," she pulled her hand away and looked at me with round, sorrowful eyes; the kind that seemed to radiate concern. "You were crying in your sleep."

"No." I didn't cry. "No, that's -" I trailed off when she brought her hand up and touched it to my cheek.

Wet.

"Bad dream?"

I couldn't remember. All I knew was the sick dread that seemed to weigh down my gut. It was from all the alcohol. And the disgusting sex. And _oh Christ _telling Bella I had had disgusting sex. Not to mention all the shit that had led up to and been a determining factor in all those events.

"Carlisle." I hadn't meant to say the name out loud - obviously I was still drunk - but Bella heard. I saw a softening in her eyes that made me feel worse for some reason.

"What's going on with your dad?"

"I -" felt the roiling in my stomach, the burning and churning and sat up with a start. "- need to throw up."

I ran to the bathroom, heedless of the pounding in my head. Bella didn't follow me this time, as I emptied what little was left in my stomach. Small mercy. She was sitting up against the headboard of her bed when I stumbled back, though. And I knew she wouldn't let me just pass out again.

A part of me, and it had to be the part that was still drunk, was glad. Everything was sitting too heavily on my chest, making it hard to breathe. And though I wanted to say _fuck it all_and pretend I was too detached to feel anything, to admit I was having some problems, I knew it was a lie. Sometimes alcohol left you open and exposed to your own issues. Goddamn it.

Bella stayed silent as I crawled back into the bed, pulling the covers up over me and burrowing into the pillow like I fucking belonged there. She never took her eyes off me. It was all a little too surreal, like we fell into routines like this all the time. I really wished it could be true. But Jacob...

"Carlisle has cancer." I threw it out there, the words bubbling up and heaving out of my mouth like vomit.

"Oh my God, Edward. I'm so sorry." She scooted towards me, her arm a pleasant warmth against me. I turned my face to breathe in her skin. It settled my stomach.

"He's dying." I couldn't stop now. "And I don't know if I even care." My eyes slipped shut. I didn't want to see Bella's reaction to my monstrous words. Because who doesn't care about their own father's life? Apparently me.

"Of course you do."

Her fingers were buried in my hair and I groaned slightly at the sweet intimacy of her touching me. I wanted to enjoy it while it lasted. Because once I was fully sober and out the door, I'd have to accept she was with Jacob, not me.

"How would you know?"

"Because. Because I know you, Edward." I snorted, which made Bella scrunch up her cute little nose at me in distaste. "I do. And I also know that you wouldn't be asking yourself that question if you didn't already know the answer."

"Bella, come on." My head was starting to spin, my eyes heavy and painful even though it was still dark out.

"You're concerned you don't care. Which means you do care."

I shook my head into the pillow, subtly smelling the lingering scent of strawberries. Even with my stomach in knots, the smell was welcomed, caused my chest to loosen from everything that was bottling up inside me.

"I shouldn't care." Bella moved to lay beside me, on her side with one arm thrown over my back. i could feel the heat of her hand as it moved slowly up and down my back. Heat that made me shiver. "He never cared about me."

"I _know _that isn't true."

"You don't now anything."

Just like that, like I was so afraid would happen, I couldn't help but think about him. The reluctant father, at least to me. And I knew I was talking, mumbling if Bella's responses were anything to go by, out loud.

About Calisle's absence through what was close to my entire childhood. missed T-ball games, which later turned into missed baseball games and all the other extra-curriculars I got involved in. Birthdays where his lack of presence hung like a shadow over everyone present. Finding out, by accident, that I was an accident. My engaged parents discovering they were pregnant, just as Carlisle was delving deeper into med school. They hadn't planned on children for some years to come, well after he was done with interning. Because he didn't have time for a child, he was too busy.

Clearly.

I knew I acted out, anger towards my father showing with every delinquent action I took part in. I don't know how he missed what I was really doing. Internally screaming _look at me, pay attention to me, love me. _It had the opposite effect, though. We fought, constantly. Which only got worse when Emmett was conceived, as planned.

Carlisle was the ever doting father, present for the actual birth as he hadn't been for mine. He cooed and fawned over the dimpled baby that I felt a burning hatred only a spurned pre adolescent child could.

I thought, irrationally apparently, if I worked harder, became better at everything, he'd finally notice me. But then...Alice. Suddenly there were two contenders for Carlisle's attention. And a girl to boot, all pink and frilly and so different from two dirty boys.

No matter what I did, I remained unnoticed by him. Except for when I failed, or even just fell short of his unusually high levels of expectation; when he'd tell me I'd never be good enough if I didn't straighten up my act, get my shit together. He never realized I was trying, so hard. But he was right, in that I'd never be good enough.

The fighting between us escalated, nearing blows on several occasions. Until he finally admitted what I knew was truth long ago.

_You were a mistake, Edward. I didn't even want a baby back then. And if I could do it over, I'd make sure your mother had taken her goddamn pill so we could avoid all _this.

That was that, the final nail in the coffin. The death of anything that could be between us. I never looked back in my endeavors, never looked up to him again as I chose my own path. It was pure fucking irony, or maybe God spitting in my face, that I ended up where I was today. In the shadow of his absence again, everyone expecting the Cullen son to live up to Saint Carlisle's doctorly perfection.

I was trembling when I came back to the here and now, somehow managing to twist towards Bella's accepting embrace. Her arms were wound tight around me, her hair fanning over the side of my face as I shuddered into her neck.

Jesus, I knew I was crying now, with the wetness pooling against her skin and getting stuck in my eyelashes. But I couldn't stop it. Like a dam had broke, everything was just rushing out and I wasn't even sure what all Bella caught of my melodramatic tell all.

"God, I'm pathetic, aren't I? I mean, it's so stupid and -"

"No, Handsome," she stopped to place a kiss on the top of my head. And even though I was fucking lost, I couldn't help but smile just a bit at the endearment. "It's not. No child should hear that from a parent. That's just..." She let loose a sigh and hugged me tighter to her. "I'm sorry."

It was a comfort to me, hearing her sympathy, because I knew she truly meant it. And even though she could do nothing to change anything, her acknowledgement of my...feelings...was enough for me.

I drifted off to the feel of Bella's warm body holding me close.

There were moments of awareness, hazy, but pressing in my mind. Of legs entwined. Of soft sighs and murmurs pressed against skin. Of lazy smiles and heavy eyes. Where Bella was in my arms, the two of us tangled together in the sheets and everything feeling perfectly calm in the middle of my shitstorm life.

I didn't know if I never wanted to fall asleep again or wake up. Just in case it was a dream. Inevitably though, sleep claimed me and I was lost to the fuzzy sensations of her.

When I woke up, I was alone. Rolling over to the feel of cool sheets, I wondered just how long ago Bella had left. And just how much of an ass I had been the night before. I didn't remember anything, except for the drinks and the bad sex and ending up at Bella's. Really, how the fuck _had _I even ended up at Bella's?

All I knew was that I was at her door, drunk and stupid and desperate for her. Who knows what I even said to her. My sweet Strawberry, who left her scent like a trail behind her.

My nose followed after it, leading me out of her room and to the kitchen despite the pounding in my head. I was such a dumb fuck. Why did I even drink again?

There, on her kitchen table, were a tall glass of OJ, some pain killers and a plate covered with a paper towel. With a note tucked under one side.

_Edward,_  
_I went in to work to cover for someone so I'll be gone by the time you wake up. Don't feel like you need to leave. Stay as long as you like. I hope you know you're always welcome here. And I'm glad you were able to open up some last night. I want to be there for you, Handsome. Hope you let me._

_Bella_

_PS- I also hope you like French Toast. ;)_

God, she was so sweet and perfect. Setting aside some aspirin, making breakfast for me before work, with such a cute little note that was just so _Bella _in its thoughtfulness, and...

It sunk in, a little too late, as I was chewing a bite of some seriously bad ass French Toast that Bella had wrote about me _opening up_to her. Just what the fuck did that mean? What did I say to her?

I swallowed too quickly in my panic and almost choked on the syrupy piece. Coughing violently, I took a swig of juice to ease the burn in my esophagus.

There was a curious lack of regret as I realized I must have told her about Carlisle, though in how much detail, I still wasn't sure. It was odd because usually the very idea of talking about my issues was anathema to me. But with Bella, it seemed there was an exception to every rule.

I was finding out I kind of liked it. And that, despite the agony of finding out Bella was engaged - especially after how she took care of me - there was still hope.

It still felt as if I was missing something though. Some crucial part of the night, whether something I said or something she did, that should be affecting me more deeply. The thought was a buzzing in my head as I continued eating, slower this time. What was I missing from last night? Did it really matter what I told her?

Deciding not to dwell on it was the best solution for me. If I did think too hard on it, not only was I sure to get a headache, but I would probably discover something I didn't want to remember. So I decided to let it go. Decided to just be happy that I got a glimmer of hope out of my fucked up night.

_There's still a chance. I can feel it._

* * *

**i hope that after such a long wait, this isn't a let down. god, the pressure! **_  
_


	19. With a Girl Like You

**so. this just happened. completely unbeta'd or preread. **

**chapter title: **

**With a Girl Like You by Dave Sitek**

**chapter songs:**

**Ten Thousand Words by The Avett Brothers  
My Heart by Paramore  
Just Say Yes by The Cure**

* * *

After finishing the French toast and downing the last of the orange juice, I stumbled back to Bella's bed, intent on sleeping just a bit more. Enough to get rid of the headache and overall sick feeling still lingering in my stomach, but not so long that I was still around when Bella got back. I figured that screamed a little too loudly of desperation. And holy shit, what would happen if Jacob got back before Bella to find II was in their bed? No doubt I could kick his ass, even on my worst of days, but it wasn't something I even wanted to worry about at the moment.

But Bella's scent, so concentrated on her pillows and sheets, was comforting. I buried my nose - as best I could while still allowing me to breathe - in the cotton bedding and stopped thinking altogether. I drifted off, smiling as I thought about how we'd shared the same bed last night.

I woke with a start, not knowing what had managed to disturb my sleep. When I sat up and looked around, I spotted Bella, guilty look on her face, with an armful of clothes.

"Sorry," she said quietly. "I didn't mean to wake you."

"Hey," I paused when I heard how hoarse my voice was. I didn't think I'd been out that long. Coughing a bit to clear it, I sat up and tried rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. "What are you doing back already?"

"Uh, Edward, it's four o'clock."

That couldn't be right. No, really. That could _not _be right. No way I slept for a solid eight hours.

My face must have registered disbelief because Bella walked toward me, reaching out for the small alarm clock on her bedside table. "You must've been really tired." She picked up the clock and held it out to me so I could see. Sure enough it read 4:06.

"Shit," I groaned while resisting to sink back under the covers of Bella's bed. Even with all that sleep I still felt exhausted. "I didn't mean to sleep so long. I didn't want to still be here when you came home.

Bella's face fell. "Oh."

It took me a minute to realize how that must've came across. "Oh hell, Bella, I didn't mean it like that."

"Like what."

"Like, I wanted to sneak away. Like you were some kind of one night stand I didn't want to face in the morning."

Bella turned so I couldn't see her face. "Like the one night stand you snuck away from last night?"

"What?"

"Or did you forget you told me about that." I didn't like the way Bella's voice had grown all hard and distant.

"It wasn't like that, Bella." It looked like she was about to interject, so I quickly continued. "That chick took advantage of _me._ No. _Really_." Even though I couldn't see her face I knew there was a look of disbelief there. "I was drunk and she came on to me. She's the one that kicked me out."

Bella made a small sound of dissent.

"Right after telling me she was engaged."

"Edward."

Oh. I hadn't meant to say that out loud. I didn't want to draw attention to that fact. Especially since Bella was engaged too. Even though I hadn't had sex with Bella - not from lack of trying - I had slept with her. And I'd do it again. In a heartbeat. To hell with Jacob.

But fuck, I didn't want to be that guy. Not for Bella. Even if Jacob deserved it.

Shit. Jacob.

"Where's Jacob?"

Bella must've been on the verge of speaking because I saw her clamp her mouth shut abruptly. "What?" she asked after a beat.

"I should get going."

I left the warm cocoon of Bella's bed and went in search of my shoes. They weren't in her room and I wondered if Bella had placed them out by her front door when she left this morning.

"But why?" Bella's voice sounded far too close behind me.

My eyes scanned the hallway, living room and the small, tiled entry way. There, nestled right next to Bella's Chucks, were my shoes. They looked good there; right where they belonged. It almost seemed wrong to pick them up, put them on, and walk away. But.

"Don't think Jacob would take kindly to coming home and finding another man in his bed."

I stooped down and grabbed my shoes, slowly slipping them on without bothering doing up the laces.

"Edward -"

"I really appreciate you letting me stay here last night."

"Edward -"

"And today too. I guess I really needed that sleep, huh?" I gave a wry chuckle.

"Edward -"

"Now I'll be out of your hair." My hand was on the door knob when I felt Bella's on my shoulder, stopping me.

"Wait."

"What, Bella?" I couldn't look at her, even though she was tugging at me, hoping I'd turn around.

"Do you not remember?"

That got me to turn around. Did I not remember...what? Something I said? Something she said?

"Jacob and I broke up."

Did she just say what I think she said? I needed to sit down. My knees weren't going to hold me. Oh god, was I going to faint?

"Edward?"

I shook my head as I walked toward her couch. I needed a minute to process what she'd just said. Bella and Jacob. Not dating. I sat down, well more like sprawled all over the damn couch, and tipped my head back until I was staring at the ceiling.

"Are you going to say something?" Bella sounded nervous.

"When?"

I wasn't very straight forward but she got the gist of what I was asking. "About a week ago."

A week? Jesus Christ, they'd been broken up for a week? And meanwhile I was slowly losing my mind thinking they were one step closer to marriage for absolutely no reason.

"Fuck."

"I'm sorry?" Now she sounded confused.

My head tipped forward until I was looking straight at Bella, my Shortcake, sitting on the coffee table opposite me.

"I didn't mean to say that out loud."

"You have a bad habit of doing that."

_Tell me about it. _"What happened?"

Bella took a deep breath and looked away from me before answering. "We just kind of grew apart. I don't know. We haven't been getting along like we used to and things were so forced."

"I'm sorry." Not really.

"Don't be. It's for the best. I couldn't stay with him when my feelings have changed." There was no hiding the pretty pink flush that was spreading on her cheeks.

I wanted to ask just how they'd changed. And maybe if it had anything to do with me. But on the off chance it didn't, there was no way I was going to ask and feel humiliated when Bella told me so.

So what did I say?

"I bet you're looking forward to all the awesome rebound sex out there." God, if I could've gotten away with discretely smacking myself I would've done it.

There was a small choking sound, followed by Bella coughing violently. She was bright red and I was beginning to worry she wasn't able to breathe.

"You okay?"

"Oh my god," she gasped. Bella looked at me and I saw tears in her eyes even though she was smiling now. "The things you say."

"What?"

Bella started laughing.

"Um," I scratched at the back of my head wondering what was so funny. "I guess not all rebound sex is good." This was getting uncomfortable, to be honest. Talking about Bella going out and having one night stands with someone other than me? No thanks.

"Handsome, I'm not interested in _rebound_sex."

No. No, I guessed Bella wasn't the type of girl who'd be down for that. "Right."

"Do you want to stay for dinner?"

That was some non sequitur. But I was grateful to get off the topic of Bella and sex.

"I'd love to but," I looked down at myself, "I'm not exactly, er, at my freshest right now."

She looked me over. Slowly. I didn't know what she saw at that moment but I hoped it was something good. I...really liked Bella. I wanted her to like me too. Even if I was a stinky, dirty, hungover (well not really anymore) man who'd had sex with some random slut the night before.

When I thought of it that way, I doubted she'd ever see anything worthwhile about me.

"Why don't you take a shower. I've got some of Jacob's old clothes you can borrow."

I didn't feel very comfortable in the loose sweatpants and t shirt Bella had pulled out for me. Of course, I hadn't felt comfortable since the moment I was alone in the bathroom. _Bella's _bathroom. This was where my Shortcake stripped off her clothes, stepped inside the hot, steamy shower and rubbed herself down with the soap that made her smell like strawberries.

It was far too easy imagining what Bella would look like; thick lather sliding down her creamy skin. I definitely didn't need help fantasizing about how I'd use my hands instead of a washcloth. They'd work her over from top to bottom, spending extra time on her sudsy breasts and between her legs until she was moaning against my bare chest.

There was no way I was going to jerk off in her shower, no matter how tempting it was to grab her strawberry body wash and wrap my hand around my cock. I wanted to, fuck but it would've felt good. But it seemed a little creepy. Besides, I wasn't too sure I could keep quiet and I didn't want Bella to hear me. Not like that.

So I had resolutely ignored my cock, despite the way it throbbed and jutted out away from my body and seemed to knock down every stray bottle that managed to get in its way. Problem was, I still had a _problem _and the sweats were doing nothing to hide it. How was I supposed to face Bella with a boner tenting my pants so obviously?

"You almost done in there?" I would be if I could only get myself off without feeling like a total sleaze. "Dinner's ready."

Sighing, I shifted my dick around and tucked it into the waistband of the sweatpants. It was fucking lucky Jacob liked big, baggy clothes because the shirt would at least be loose enough to somewhat hide the issue in my pants. That would have to do until I could escape home and take care of business.

Bella was standing in the kitchen when I finally managed to leave the bathroom. At some point during my shower, she must've slipped into her bedroom to change out of her scrubs. The thought of her naked on the other side of the door was enough to make me want to retreat to the bathroom.

Think unsexy thoughts, man.

"Hope you like stir fry." She smiled as she turned from the stove.

Bella was wearing a plain grey hoodie and blue pajama pants. Somehow she made it look sexy. It was mind boggling. No one had the right to look that good without even trying. Besides me, of course.

"Stir fry sounds excellent."

It was getting late. Bella looked exhausted sitting at her small kitchen table; as if at any moment she'd slump down, face in her dirty plate, and fall asleep. It was adorable, really. But I did feel bad. Because I was the reason she was so tired, wasn't i? I was the one that had stomped into her place late as hell last night and then kept her awake with my puking and rambling and shit. She'd had to work early. Instead of getting a nap like she deserved, she came home to find me still at her place and proceeded to make me dinner.

"You're kind of amazing, you know that Shortcake?"

Bella visibly startled out of the daze she'd been in. "Huh?"

"I thought you should know you're amazing."

My words must have come as some surprise because Bella sat there, speechless, with her mouth hanging open.

"I should get going." Bella looked like she was about to protest, which really fucking warmed my heart. But, "you're exhausted" I stood up and took my plate to the kitchen sink. "Do you want help with the rest?"

"No, you're right. I am tired. I'll just leave that until the morning."

"You sure?"

Bella nodded and stood up. Instead of clearing her own plate, she pulled me into a hug. She smelled wonderful. God, I thought i could probably be okay with staying like that, breathing her in. Only, I didn't want her to hear me, like, sniffing her. Creepy. I pulled away and smiled at her.

She didn't say anything but held onto my hand and led me to her door. I felt...something. I wasn't sure. It seemed like anticipation, like I was hoping for something. Expecting something. Which was ridiculous. But with Bella still touching me, I couldn't help it. There was definitely something there. Something. Some. Thing.

Christ, I was losing it.

"Will you be all right getting home?"

Oh right, I hadn't driven here, had I?

"I'll catch a cab. No problem."

We stood there, facing each other and I kept waiting. Waiting for that something that I couldn't shake off.

"So." I didn't want to leave yet. Just in case.

"So."

But Bella just kept standing there.

"I guess I'll see you later."

"Sure." Bella smiled, but it looked off. "Okay."

"Okay."

The door was opened then. There weren't any other excuses for me to linger. Fuck. I stepped out, just on the other side of her door, ready to walk away. But Bella was still holding my hand.

"The answer is yes," she said without preamble.

"What?"

"The answer, in case you were wondering, is yes." Which didn't clarify things at all. "In case you were thinking about asking if I'd like to go out with you."

I opened my mouth to respond but nothing came out. _I think I'm going into shock. Did I hear that right? _

Bella let go of my hand to touch my cheek, very briefly. And then, _seriously going into shock_, her lips followed - just as brief - to press against the same spot.

"Goodnight, Handsome."

And just like that, she slowly shut the door, leaving me gaping in her hallway. I turned around and started to leave when my common sense kicked my ass for me.

_What are you doing? Get the fuck back there and ask her out!"_

I jogged back to her door, knocked, and when there wasn't an immediate answer, knocked louder. Pounded was a good word for what I was doing.

Bella opened the door. I opened my mouth. But still, no words.

"Was there something you wanted to ask me, Handsome?" She looked like she was hiding a smile. Probably taking pity on my poor, confused self.

"Yeah. Yes. I was wondering if you'd like to, uh," Christ it all sounded so juvenile in my head. Might as well drop her a note reading: _Do you like me? Check yes or no._

"Mhm?" Now she was smiling outright.

"Would you like to go out to dinner?" Was that what people on dates did? I wasn't used to actually dating anyone anymore. Just taking girls out for the eventual night spent having sex. "Or...something?"

"Dinner sounds lovely."

In my head, angels were singing hallelujah.

"What day works best for you?"

Her gaze shifted up and the left, her lips quirking in thought. "How about Saturday evening?"

Saturday. I could do Saturday. I could do any day. "Sounds perfect."

"Great. Pick me up at seven?"

I nodded, in a trance. I was going to take Bella out. This Saturday. Me. Not Jacob. Hell yes. I was the fucking man. "See you then."

A part of me was hoping for another kiss, even a quick, chaste one. But Bella just continued to smile, saying a soft goodnight before closing the door again.

It wasn't until I was outside, waiting for a cab, that I realized she was expecting me to pick her up and take her out. In a car no doubt. And I still couldn't face driving.

Fucking fuck.

* * *

**bob is to thank for this. thank you, bob.**


End file.
